Swords, Sakura & Mayonnaise
by keyascribe
Summary: Moments from Edo. Shinsengumicentric. Ratings & level of HxO vary.
1. progress

**Disclaimer:** I own none of Hideaki Sorachi's characters, which is okay because really they tend to destroy things a lot.

**Rated**: Mild, despite the fact that Okita is in it.

**Summary**: Growing up. Even Okita has to do it, eventually.

**A/N**: I'm so happy they have a Gintama category now!

* * *

_Growing Up

* * *

_

"It's just a phase he's going through," Kondo says when a nine-year-old Sougou drops water balloons (filled with ice) on Hijikata's head. "He'll stop when he grows up a bit."

It's also just a phase when a 10-year-old Sougou sets snares ("I'm sure he was trying to catch rabbits not you, Toshi") and an 11-year-old Sougou digs pits (with spikes). He fills the holes after Kondo falls in (luckily avoiding the spikes) but Hijikata doesn't think that is much proof of Sougou growing up. Especially when the next week the boy starts reading books about how to create quicksand.

Later, when Sougou is hitting that awkward adolescent age but still managing to beat the snot out of everyone in the dojo ("He didn't realize he was using a real sword while you only had a bokken, Toshi, don't make it sound like he did it on purpose") Hijikata is still certain that any growing up the boy is doing is only on the outside.

As far as Hijikata can tell, getting taller just means it's easier for Sougou to try to strangle him.

"It's just a phase he's going through," Kondo still says as the two of them watch the fried edges of a wall steam gently after being the recipient of a missile intended for Toshirou. "He'll stop when he grows up . . . ."

"Unless I kill him first," Hijikata mutters. Kondo only laughs.

They patrol the city and Sougou doesn't grow up enough to stop asking for candy, or shirking work when it gets boring, or destroying entire buildings fighting Kagura-chan, or trying to poison him every couple of weeks.

"See," Hijikata snorts, "he'll never grow up"; but Kondo is sometimes surprisingly observant and doesn't laugh so easily this time.

They patrol the city and see a lot of dark things that no one any age should see and they do a few dark things themselves, although always for a reason that recedes sometimes but still shines brightly in the distance, in Kondo's smile. And gradually Hijikata notices that Sougou is spending fewer of his infrequent days off lounging around headquarters, and more time out in the city doing things that occasionally leaves him stumbling in late with dust or something darker and wetter on his clothes. After the Rengogukan incident Hijikata realizes it had been weeks since Sougou has last really tried to kill him, and when they go on a mission armed with rifles and not even a potshot flies his way, it's something Toshirou can't ignore.

Somehow instead of being relieved Hijikata just feels a cold heavy feeling settle in his gut. After all this time, Sougou is growing up. The problem with that is that growing up isn't a phase you can get through by growing up more. The only way to stop growing up is to die.

Sometimes, when he sees Sougou practicing hard instead of just sleeping, Hijikata wishes they could go back to when they were waiting (praying) for him to grow up. Then the next day Sougou will attempt to run him over while chasing a criminal and the unease abates, a little. They all have more than one foot on the road, even Kondo knows that, but there are still many steps to go.

So Sougou may be growing up (along with the rest of them) but he isn't close to finished.

He may get there yet. If Hijikata doesn't kill him first.


	2. duty

**Disclaimer:** I own none of Hideaki Sorachi's characters, which is fine because they tend to make a lot of mess.

**Rated**: Teen for HxO implications. If you don't like the idea, don't read.

**Summary**: It's a dirty job but . . . 

**A/N:** Yamazaki should really be fixing up Kondo, I suppose, but I was too lazy to write him in. Let's just say he's off playing badminton.

* * *

_In the Line of Duty

* * *

_

"Otae-san, Otae-san," Kondo moans lovingly as Sougou fixes his newly broken nose (Otae had some really heavy groceries in the bag she threw at him this time). "Oh what can I do to get through to you?"

"Stop rhyming, for one thing," Hijikata advises, smoking disinterestedly by the open door of Kondo's room.

Kondo winces as his nose snapped back into place, then fixes Sougou with an entreating gaze. "Naa, Sougou, you're good with words, you've got to go talk to her for me!" he pleads.

"I don't know, Kondo-san," Sougou says consideringly, ripping off a length of medical tape and placing it over the swollen bridge of Kondo's nose. "What if I go to talk to her and we hit it off and fall in love?"

Kondo stares at him, aghast, looking as if someone just suggested cooking puppy stew. "Sougou, you wouldn't!" he cries around the tape.

"Love is a strange power that no one can predict," Sougou replies calmly, gazing at the first aid kit meditatively. "What could we do if we became pawns of fate?"

Kondo's face crumples into a mask of anguish. "What a terrible thought!" he moans. Desperately, he grabs Sougou and pushes him into Hijikata's lap. "Quick, Toshi," he orders, "before Sougou can be swept away by the beauty of Otae-san show him the seductive power of man love."

"Wah?" Hijikata looks down with displeasure at the form of the Shinsengumi's captain whose abrupt arrival has almost knocked the cigarette out of his fingers.

"_Woo_ him, Toshi!" Kondo urges with a manic gleam to his eyes. "Woo him to keep Otae-san safe!"

"Kondo-san . . ." Hijikata growls with a long-suffering sigh.

"Quick! There's not a moment to lose!" reiterates Kondo urgently. "I'll be over in the other room _all day_. Don't let him leave until you know it's safe!"

Hijikata and Sougou regard each other silently as Kondo hurriedly exits the room, muttering something about passion and the mountains of fate.

"Well?" Sougou asks finally. "Aren't you going to seduce me away from the women?"

"Baka," Hijikata snorts around his cigarette. "Wasn't twice last night enough?"

Sougou twines his fingers around Hijikata's uniform lapels. "But now we have a vacation _all day_."

Hijikata supposes that's true. After all, who are they to ignore the Commander's direct orders? He just hopes no one else has to read the mission report this will result in.


	3. dango

**Disclaimer**: I own none of Hideaki Sorachi's characters, nor do I own the concept of a Sougou and Sadaharu showdown. I have owned dango in the past. But then I ate them.

**Rated**: Teen for implications and Hijikata's favorite adjective for Sadaharu.

**Summary**: Beware of things that look kind of cute but really aren't.

**A/N: **I realize Sougou got chewed on during the cherry-watching episode, but I think it was just because he wasn't trying.

* * *

_Monsters _

_(inspired by a snippet of doujinishi)_

* * *

When Sadaharu breaks loose (meaning Kagura is asleep and Gintoki and Shinpachi have both passed out from chew-related injuries) it's really because Katsura, standing outside the apartment and hearing injured groans within, opens the door and lets him out.

After Katsura recovers from having his head used as a chew toy, he picks himself up, staggers inside to survey the mangled bodies of the male members of the Freelancers (and is too much a gentleman . . terrorist . . . to peek in the bedroom to see where Kagura-chan is) and with a certain sense of wicked glee, picks up Gintoki's phone and calls a number.

"Yes," he says when the Shinsengumi operator answers, "I have to report a matter of civic urgency."

* * *

"What?" Hijikata groans. "The fucking dog again?" 

"Come on, Toshi!" Kondo says cheerily, because he's never met the fucking dog. "It'll be a nice change from chasing terrorists!"

"Can I bring the chain and collar?" Okita asks, eyes lighting up hopefully.

Hijikata shudders with repressed memories. "No," he says firmly. "Never again."

* * *

Watching Sahaharu go through an entire squad of Shinsengumi members is something akin to watching bowling. Sougou chomps thoughtfully on a stick of dango as the white dog bounds through the tightly massed men in black, tossing them joyously into the air. "Oh," he says, as they all hit the ground, "a strike!" 

"Sougou," growls Hijikata next to him, "quit eating and get down there! But first get this fucking collar off me!"

"That's not what you said _that night_," Sougou points out, methodically chewing the dango.

"Yes it was."

"Oh, that's right. I forgot. Ooooo, another strike!"

"Which squad?"

"10, I think."

Hijikata sighs. "Well, that's all right then."

* * *

Yamazaki creeps diligently through the park, keeping an eye out for anything suspicious, like a huge white psychotically bloodthirsty alien dog. 

Funny, you'd think it would have been easy to find. The screams from the 10th squad have all stopped now, however, and the park is covered in an eerie silence.

Suddenly, there is a feeling of motion behind him and then everything goes dark and painful.

His badminton racket falls uselessly to the ground.

* * *

"That was Yamazaki!" Kondo cries as he and Hijikata rush through the trees toward the slightly muffled scream of surprise and pain. 

They both stop short at the sight of their spy staggering under the weight of a giant white malevolent devil dog.

"He didn't even have time to raise his racket," Kondo says in sympathetic awe.

"Kondo-saaan," Yamazaki whimpers piteously from inside the dog.

"Hold on, Yamazaki!" Kondo calls out reassuringly and draws his sword. "Toshi let's go!"

They charge. It might have gone better if Hijikata hadn't tripped over the flailing dog leash attached to his collar. But it probably wouldn't have.

* * *

Sadaharu has never had this much fun. He jumps up and down on the three prone figures for another minute or two, then bounds off to find more playthings in black. 

"Naa, Toshi," Kondo wheezes after a while from the grass, "can we go back to chasing terrorists? You can still wear the collar if you want to."

Hijikata lights up a slightly mangled cigarette and ignores Kondo. "Yamazaki, you alive?" he calls out hoarsely.

"I think I . . . fell on my racket . . . " Yamazaki moans piteously.

Hijikata takes a long, seething pull on his smoke. "I hate fucking dogs," he says with great sincerity.

* * *

"Kondooooo-saaan, Hijikataaaa-saaaan, did everybody die already?" Sougou asks wonderingly, making his way through the battlefield littered with groaning Shinsengumi. He regards the fresh dango stick in his hand. "If everyone is dead, does that mean I get to be Commander?" he asks the candy. 

Suddenly, the ground begins to shake and a chill wind sweeps the field of fallen warriors.

"Oh?" Sougou wonders, looking up, dango dangling from his mouth.

In the distance but closing rapidly is a large pale dog-shape blur. Bloodthirsty fangs gleam in the afternoon sun.

"Okita taichou," one of the men on the ground moans desperately, "run while you can! Don't worry about us; there's nothing anyone can do. That thing is a monster. Save yourself!"

"Hmmm," Sougou says non-commitedly, still more interested in the dango than the dog. Sadaharu looms larger and closer, teeth and eyes gleaming red in the lowering sun. The men on the ground shudder and curl into pitiful balls in anticipation of further pummelling.

Sougou doesn't move as Sadaharu gallops up. "Does he want my dango?" he theorizes. "Well, he can't have it. It's _mine." _

His eyes snap up to meet the lunging dog – and there is a long, paralyzing moment as Sougou and Sadaharu glare at each other with the full menace of their evillness.

Then, with a small mew of apology, Sadaharu's ears and tail droop and he lowers himself subjectively to the ground.

* * *

"I knew it," Hijikata mutters as he watches everyone in the immediate vicinity jump on the cowed pet. "He's even more psychotic than the psycho dog." 

"That's our Sougou," Kondo beams proudly, slapping Hijikata on the back.

Hijikata grits his teeth as the collar jangles. "I wonder if the Freelancers want another pet . . . " he muses wistfully.

* * *

"What is THIS?" Shinpachi screams as he opens the door to find Sadaharu covered in twenty tons of rope, with a bill attached to his forehead for three dango, one badminton racket, 38 Shinsengumi uniforms, and 7 acres of park. 

Katsura simply sips his tea and carefully files away the fact that in the right circumstances, Sadaharu can be more effective than even a bomb.

* * *

It is very far into the night before Hijikata finally gets the collar off. 


	4. shuttlecock

**Disclaimer:**. I own none of Hideaki Sorachi's characters, alas alas. I do own a badminton racket.

**Rated**: One bad word.

**Summary**: We love our Prince of Badminton.

**A/N**: I owed Yamazaki for getting him so chewed on last time.

* * *

Five Moments of Badminton

* * *

"I always respect a man who likes badminton," Hijikata Toshirou says to Yamazaki on the day they hire him.

The new recruit's eyes light up. "Really, sir?" he asks hopefully.

Hijikata frowns. "Hell no."

* * *

Yamazaki is thrilled when Okita finally agrees to play a game with him . . . until Okita lifts the rocket launcher to his shoulder in lieu of a racket.

* * *

The Shinsengumi still talk of the day they went to the onsen and Yamazaki hit the ping pong so hard it burst into flames and burnt down half of the rec hall.

* * *

Why do all of the doujinshi make me a laundry-washing, mother-henning, usually stabbed uke?" Yamazaki wonders pitifully.

Kondo rests a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "It's the badminton, lad. It's the badminton."

* * *

Sometimes people ask Yamazaki why he likes badminton so much. He'll answer because it requires quick reflexes or skill or power . . . but the real reason is that if he hits the birdie up high enough, then just for a second, he can pretend it will never come back to earth again. Because secretly, he wants to protect the birdie from ever falling completely. 


	5. flu

**Disclaime**r: I own none of Hideaki Sorachi's characters, which is fine because they're all a little disgusting in this chapter.

**Rated**: Mild. I finally managed one without violence, swearing or sex! How odd.

**Warning**: Copious amounts of mucus?

**Summary**: Even Gintama has a flu season . . .

* * *

The Circle of Life

* * *

When Kondo gets sick, he whines in bed, looking like a little lost kid, "Toshhhhiiii, can I have another drink of watttterrrr?"

He bounces back quickly, of course, but not before he manages to infect Sougou, who he insisted stay with him the whole time because he is the only person in the universe who thinks Sougou's presence is actually _comforting_.

* * *

When Sougou gets sick, he lies quietly in bed, blankets pulled up high, and lets Kondo whine for him, "Toshhhhhhhi, Sougou needs another drink of water! And dango! And ice cream! And his rocket launcher! . . . Really? okay . . – and extra ammo, Toooooshiii, hurrrrryyyyy!" 

Hijikata grits his teeth and bears it, and at least when Sougou tries to aim the rocket launcher he gets dizzy and falls over instead, creating a nice skylight in the ceiling.

Later, when Kondo is sleeping in one corner of the room, muttering things about Otae in his dreams, Sougou wakes up in a fever and murmurs something plaintively.

"What it is?" Hijikata leans in closer. "Are you okay?"

Sougou sneezes all over him.

"I said I need more tissues," Sougou says tiredly, then turns over and dozes back off.

* * *

When Toshirou gets sick, Kondo bounces around in his room, bellowing, "Come on, Toshi! We're gonna capture some terrorists today, don't you wanna come? It'll be really fun!" and Sougou makes pointed remarks about how maybe it's time for a new vice commander, if Hijikata isn't up to the job anymore.

So Hijikata staggers out of bed and goes to fight terrorists. An hour later, when he and Katsura are locked in an intense standoff he feels a sudden tickle and, before he can stop it, he sneezes right in the terrorist's face.

Stunned by the mucus-related nastiness of what just happened, Katsura flees, prompting Kondo to dub the new attack Snot no Jutsu. As soon as he's well, Hijikata forbids Kondo to ever read Jump again.

* * *

When Katsura gets sick, he tries valiantly to ignore his weakness and then finally collapses dramatically in the middle of a street, because that's the only way terrorists with long flowing hair can do things.

Luckily, on the way to get this week's Jump, Gintoki notices him (after running him slightly over with his scooter) and, on the way back from the store he picks up his old comrade and takes him home.

"Don't nibble on my ear while we're driving," Gintoki advises as Katsura drapes feverishly over his shoulders on the little moped, but really Katsura is just weakly dripping mucus (in a graceful, long-haired terrorist kind of way) all over Gin-chan.

* * *

When Gintoki gets sick, he lies on the couch motionless, sometimes giving a faint groan. So really the only thing that changes is that instead of picking his nose with his finger, he uses kleenex. And then drops them randomly on the floor for Shinpachi to pick up.

At some point Sadaharu, not understanding the concept of germs, decides to chew on his head.

* * *

When Sadaharu gets sick, it's really really disgusting.

"Maybe we could collect it and make it into something," Gintoki suggests as he watches Sadaharu drip green slime.

"I think it's eating a hole in the floor," Shinpachi says in a voice halfway between horror and awe.

"We could call it a health supplement," Gin-san continues to muse. "Or something to unplug drains."

"It's coming this way!" Shinpachi shrieks.

Quickly they both clamber higher on the couches.

Kagura continues to pet Sadaharu, however, and doesn't even mind getting covered with amazing amounts of alien pet snot. Maybe she doesn't even notice. You can never be sure about Kagura.

* * *

When Kagura gets sick, she curls into a little ball and would look absolutely adorably frail if not for the hippopatamus-like goopy snorting sounds she makes when blowing her nose every second of every minute of every hour.

In less than a day, she creates a mountain of drippy kleenex by tossing them all over the ground (and Gini-chan, who is still recovering on the other sofa). Shinpachi waits a while to see if they will dissolve in Sadaharu's mucus, but finally gives in and picks them up.

* * *

When Shinpachi gets sick from picking up Gintoki's and Kagura's used kleenex, he goes home for a comforting, nourishing rest. He still has memories of hot soup and a soft bed when he was a child and ill.

Otae coos over him and swathes him with blankets and puts a cool cloth on his forehead, and then decides to make egg drop soup which turns into fried egg soup which turns out to be crusty black lumps soup.

Shinpachi is so touched that he blubbers all over Otae, who smacks him into next week for ruining her new kimono, but then returns freshly washed with more cool compresses for the new bruises.

* * *

When Otae gets sick, Kondo hears about it and rushes over with soup, fruit, ice cream, flowers, soft music, aromatherapy, acupuncture needles, a massage kit and a wedding ring (just in case). She seems a little touched (although it could have been the fever) and he even thinks she might be letting him try to kiss her . . .until she sneezes on him.

* * *

"Why don't you ever get sick, Elizabeth?" a recovering Katsura asks as Elizabeth feeds him grapes.

Elizabeth just shrugs.

A/N Of course when Yamazaki gets sick no one even notices. Oh poor, poor Yamazaki! You should really have gone into tax accounting like your mother always wanted.


	6. fiction

**Disclaimer:**. I own none of Hideaki Sorachi's characters, but if I did I'd probably be even meaner to them than Noir.

**Rated**: Teen for implications and mentions of pairings galore.

**Summary**: There are tougher places to find yourself than in Jump.

**A/N: Thank you **everyone for so many kind reviews! Was thinking the other day about doujinshi clichés and thus this silly thing . . . . Actually, however, I rather adore Noir.

* * *

Fanfiction with Pictures

* * *

It is not accurate to say that Hijikata Toushirou doesn't mind that on the mornings of the days when Jump comes out every member of the Shinsengumi suddenly has to "take some cookies to my sick grandmother, I'll be back in about twenty minutes". In fact, Hijikata Toushirou finds that kind of behavior craven and unmanly (he certainly doesn't waste money buying weekly chapters about random imaginary youngsters fighting imaginary things – not when he knows he can always borrow Yamazaki's copy if he wanted to).

"Jump is for kids and losers with natural perms," he likes to say, and when Sougo points out that Hijikata reads Zero Sum, he ignores the captain because that's different. Saiyuki is _art. _

So yes, Hijikata minds like hell that all the members of Edo's crack police force run down to the corner store like 3-years-olds every week and don't even get a discount despite the fact they valiantly put their life on the line each and every day (except during the hour they read Jump. Or Zero Sum. And maybe Ward but that's only quarterly so it barely counts.) But he doesn't say anything – much – about it because Kondou calls it a way to keep up team morale and anyway he's always vaguely interested in what the pirates are doing. Somehow he feels wistfully that Zoro never has to deal with as much crap as he does.

The day when the new doujinshi compilations come out, however, is quite different. Hijikata has vowed to exterminate on the spot any man found rifling through any of the special publications and giggling – especially if it's Noir, which has been known to put Hijikata in nursing uniforms.

* * *

Hijikata wakes up with a feeling that it is going to be a bad day. This is his customary feeling, but today it is additionally prompted by the knowledge that the day before was a major release date and despite his best efforts (read murderous threats) somebody (read Okita) is bound to have bought some. And distributed them copiously.

Sure enough, as he opens his eyes he discovers next to his pillow a thick book with a shiny dustjacket and a note taped on top. It's from Sougo, of course, and reads:

* * *

"Dear Hijikata-san,

You sick bastard. I will definitely never do pages 10-14, 25-36, 73-98 (especially the twirling through the falling cherry blossoms part) or 100-105. As for page 56, a Shinsengumi Vice-Commander should have more respect and I suggest you commit seppuku to make up for it. I'll be happy to assist as your second.

Sincerely, Okita Sougo

ps. I might be willing to do pages 123-126."

* * *

Hijikata groans, flips through the book growing more livid at every page and then throws it hard enough to dent the wall.

Later after he's put away his futon and dressed, he checks out pages 123-126 and then throws the book again because of course Sougo would have picked the one where he's on top.

He scribbles on the back of the note the simple message "Like hell!", sticks it on the battered cover and hurtles it through Okita's window on his way to breakfast.

Outside, he stalks to the common room and glares at everyone, daring them to smirk. Ironically, Okita, too, must be feeling the sting of the contents because he's brought his rocket launcher to the table. In some ways it might be worse for him because while Hijikata just has to deal with being paired with everyone under the sun in vague and unrealistically-proportioned ways, Sougo keeps ending up all angst-ridden and crying over dead cats-as-metaphors when actually Hijikata is still pretty sure he doesn't really have any emotions whatesoever.

When Hijikata stupidly looks at him, he mimes page 124 with his breakfast. Hijikata loses his appetite.

* * *

Yamazaki bumps into him outside and simultaneously blanches and blushes. Hijikata bites back the urge to bash his racket over his head. "I don't have repressed feelings for you, dammit," he growls. "I will never be tempted to jump you. Not if you take a sword for me, or get caught in the rain, or look inadvertantly sexy while doing the laundry, or even if Sougo starts molesting you in my presence in an attempt to make me jealous of _either_ of you!"

This list of common possibilities just makes Yamazaki more nervous, especially when Sougo rounds the corner. Hijikata resists the urge to explain to the wide-eyed spy that if Sougo ever got it on with Yamazaki in front of him just to prove to Hijikata that he had feelings for Yamazaki (which is a disgusting thought) or feelings for Sougo (which is even worse) the last thing he would be tempted to do is _stop_ them.

Idly, he wonders why they've never done that in Noir.

"So, Hijikata-san," Sougo begins after Yamazaki has run away, whimpering, "did you want to—"

". . . . Ask me again later," Hijikata sighs, cutting him off.

He walks off just as Kondou accosts Sougo, weeping and begging his forgiveness for getting him involved in a situation that causes such distress. 

"I never meant to cause you so much pain—" Kondou wails, holding Sougo's shoulders and shaking his head in remorse.

"Kondou-san, I'm not in pain."

"Having to cut down so many people—"

"I don't mind cutting down people."

"—and all the time hiding your inner turmoil from us –"

"Kondou-san, I really don't have inner turmoil."

"-but at least you can still have beautiful moments with Toshi twirling together in the falling cherry blossoms."

"Kondou-san, I will never twirl with anyone, ever. Hijikata-san and I are going to do pages 123-6 instead."

Kondo pauses, looking impressed.

"I have NOT agreed to that yet!" Hijikata hollers from across the yard and goes out to patrol, hoping he won't meet that terrorist because that's always embarrassing after the new doujinshi comes out.

* * *

Meanwhile across town . . . .

"Gin-chan," Kagura cries, her innocent young eyes wide at the pages of the latest releases which Katsura delivered that morning in a rather pissy way, "I can't believe you dressed up as Paako-chan and got it on with both Zura AND THEN Hijikata! Twice!"

Gintoki scratches his head from where he's lying stretched out on the couch. "Did I?" he wonders, trying to remember the previous night.

"AND you let Hijikata do you AGAIN in an alley AND you dressed up as some creepy-looking teacher AND you gave Okita a heart-to-heart talk when he was all emo AND you ate seven parfaits!"

Gintoki shrugs. It sounds possible. "Wish I had more nights like that," he yawns and goes back to sleep.

* * *

Yamazaki just wonders why he gets so much action in the doujinshi and none at all in real life.

Whistling, Sougo walks by with the preparations for pages 123-126. Crying on the inside, Yamazaki turns back to his laundry.

Maybe he'll have better luck next week when the OKS Special comes out.


	7. Sougo

Early Days in Edo: Sougo

DISCLAIMER: In no way mine.

WARNINGS: Rated PG this time! If you don't know who Sougo's sister is, a few lines won't make sense, so watch Episode 86 tomorrow and _then_ read this.

A/N: After putting Toshi through so much grief in Ten Steps, this is my attempt at turning the tables on Sougo and showing that Hijikata can be a pretty annoying person, too. After all Sougo can be young and confused too. I think.

* * *

Early Days in Edo: Sougo

* * *

The first time Sougo gets in an Edo fight he isn't in uniform and doesn't have a sword – or obviously there would have _been_ no fight. They're just arrived in town and waiting for their equipment and orders, and it's exciting but it's also the first time Sougo has been farther away from his sister than the dojo, and he's secretly a little homesick and resenting the fact that nobody else is. 

It's not that he really minds being away from home – after all, most of his home moved with him – but he's never been good with change. Somehow change doesn't ever seem to be toward something better, like when Hijikata came and he became a little less important to everyone, or when his sister started going out for walks with him less often and coughing more.

Later, Kondou will unexpectedly ruffle his hair – the last time he lets that happen – and proudly present a bag of super spicy senbei that Mitsuba has sent and Sougo will feel better, even though not even he can stand _eating_ the snack. On this second day in Edo, however, he's still looking around and trying not to seem like it's his first time here because he's already heard some of the comments people make about _backwoods samurai,_ and he doesn't want to embarrass Kondou-san. Instead of the tea shop where he can buy his sister's favorite tea, however, he finds the group of gang wannabes instead.

He _doesn't_ bump into them, because a member of Kondou Isao's dojo would never accidentally collide with anyone, but they exclaim anyhow and encircle him and it gets him annoyed how they somehow think he looks weak. So when one guy grabs his wrist hard to stop him from leaving, he doesn't really regret the necessity of fighting back.

He wins – or at least he doesn't really lose – because luckily one of them has a bokken and after he gets his hands on it, the gang quickly decides he's too much trouble after all. It's stupid fighting, though, and he knows Kondou-san will be upset with him when he gets back, and he is.

Sougo doesn't say anything when he arrives at quarters and asks for dinner like his face is always bleeding and his wrist is always bruised. Offering any explanation would seem like he had done something wrong, or couldn't handle himself, so he doesn't even change expression when Kondou freaks (I'm sorry) or Yamazaki patches him up (It hurts, stop that) or even when Hijikata lightly jeers at him (Shut up) because after all, there's nothing to say.

Kondou insists on putting him to bed early, as if he has a cold, although he's not that woozy and it's not that important. When he wakes up later that evening and sees the figure beside him and hears a soft "How do you feel?" he expects to hear Kondou, but it's Hijikata's drawling tones instead.

"What are _you_ doing?" he asks resentfully, because he's feeling bad and Hijikata never makes him feel better.

Hijikata sneers a little, lighting up a cigarette that reflects off his dark eyes. "What's wrong, brat? You that upset about a few bruises?"

He doesn't plan on answering – Hijikata's not worth it – but he doesn't want the older man to think he actually cares about the bruises. So he settles for turning grumpily away from the cigarette-lit man and, with more truth than he expected, says " . . I don't like it here."

To Mitsuba this would have been a complaint and to Kondou it would be a confession, but to this man it's a challenge bordering on accusation – not because he actually thinks Hijikata has anything to do with it, but because any time he's upset it seems to funnel back to the smirking dark-haired swordsman.

Hijikata makes a noise of disinterest. "Stupid brat," he says nonchalantly, "you're too impatient. Who likes anywhere on the second day?" He takes a dismissive pull on his cigarette and adds: "Things will change. You'll get used to it. If you don't get yourself killed like a moron first."

As always, Sougo hears the insults more clearly than the counsel, but maybe that tiny hint of understanding is why he says, after a long hesitation, ". . . Don't tell my sister I got hurt."

He's not looking at Hijikata and his voice is muffled by the covers, but it still takes an effort to ask.

"Why would I write to your sister?" Hijikata says, and leaves the room pretending it had been a real question.

* * *

The second time Sougo fights in Edo, he is pissed at Hijikata and is trying to beat out the older man's brains – although this doesn't really distinguish it from any of the other times they fight.

Sougo _should_ be able to beat him – he knows he's faster, in many ways stronger. Hijikata is wily, though; a veteran of many _real _fights, and no matter how hard Sougo tries, he can't counter those tactics. He gets more and more infuriated at each dodge, each feint, and that just makes it easier for Hijikata to slap him down. They both know it, but Sougo can't stop because even if he gets caught twice for every hit Hijikata takes, at least he's getting through _sometimes. _

Finally Hijikata doesn't bother with the shinai, just backhands him across the face with one hand, looking disgusted and like he doesn't care at all. Head ringing from anger and the hit, Sougo swings his practice sword so hard it shatters against Hijikata's parry, then sits down abruptly and feels astonishingly like he wants to cry.

"Idiot," Hijikata says, wiping blood from his lip where Sougo connected and taking out a cigarette. "There's no way I'm going to lose when you're that angry."

"I can't help it if you always make me angry," he says sulkily.

"In that case, you'd better get a lot stronger fast. Of course, I'll always be smarter than you _and_ strong."

"Isn't that why Kondou-san made you fukuchou?" Sougo asks before he can stop himself, because he _had _wanted so very much to know that Kondou would trust him with something like that.

Hijikata lets out an exasperated sound. "What's the problem this time?" he demands, in a way that really means _is that still the problem? _

"I already told you," Sougo mutters to himself. "I don't like it here."

He expects Hijikata to walk away disgustedly as usual, but instead he settles himself disdainfully on the engawa and tilts his head back to blow smoke into the evening air.

"If that's all that's bothering you, then get strong enough to change it," he says, almost commanding, mostly challenging, because they both know this time Sougo's not talking about Edo.

"Because you're _years_ away from beating me now," he adds unrelentingly.

Sougo glares at the way the dojo light outlines his dark hair, and vows to make Hijikata regret those words. He's always seeing this man in silhouette, because Hijikata is always on the brink of turning away from him, but one of these days Hijikata will have to face him head on. One of these days, he won't have a choice.

Hijikata doesn't know what he's getting into to – but Sougo will make that change.

* * *

The third time Sougo is in a fight in Edo, the rest of them are fighting, too. It's just a petty drug bust, hardly anything earth-shattering, but it's the Shinsengumi's first appearance and everyone is tingling with pride and resolve and excitement. Sougo doesn't really know if he'll enjoy protecting the peace and doesn't actually care, because either way he's determined to prove how good he is. But to his surprise, he's excited too.

The dealers never know what hit them. Hijikata kicks the door in and Kondou leads the charge and when the screaming dies down Sougo can tell even Hijikata is impressed at the number of unconscious thugs around him.

They're all breathing hard, but there were no injuries and Kondou is jubilant, Hijikata not displeased, and Sougo enjoyed this fight more than any of the others.

"Well, how do you like Edo now, Sougo?" Kondou asks cheerfully as they watch the criminals being man-handled into the waiting police cars.

He half shakes his head. "I don't like it," he says because it's still the truth.

"That's right, there are a lot of things wrong here," Kondou agrees. "That's why we came, to make it better."

Sougo can't help but nod at that, because Kondou is a nice guy and it's important he believes in what Kondou believes in.

Off to the side, Hijikata snorts around his incessant cigarette. "Both of you are so simple-minded," he says in a voice that later Sougo will learn to recognize as more a matter of form, of playing his part, than of actual derision (because of course he followed Kondou here, too).

Sougo doesn't hear the difference now, though – he hasn't learned to look for that side of Hijikata – which is why his 4th, 5th and 6th fights are with him.

He can beat anyone else, anywhere, anytime, but the smirking dark-haired fukuchou keeps eluding him. He doesn't like that.

That doesn't change.

* * *

_

* * *

Bobolac: Yep, seriously, gotta heart the Shinsengumi. Although I have a feeling HijiOkiZaki would just be a cruel thing to do to poor ol' Yamazaki._

_Smoking Panda: Lol, well, Toushirou does look surprisingly good in a nurse's uniform. . . ._

_Le Chanteur du Soir: Thanks so much for your comments! Hope you like the not particularly funny chapters of this, too . . . ._

_Takahashi NKK Ryopon: Ha, poor Hijikata has all sorts of stress ;) _


	8. silver bells pt1

DISCLAIMER: Apparently Santa didn't listen to my request, because Gintama is still not mine. Neither are a Christmas Carol, 'Twas the Night Before Christmas or any of the other holiday-related works referenced in this story.

WARNINGS: Initial rhyming. Spoilers for the Itou arc. Some reference to death. (But in a Christmas-y way!) Annoying formatting issues . . . .

A/N: Ah, I missed posting this before Christmas! You know when they say you can catch nasty colds when you travel on the plane? Well . . . they're RIGHT.

* * *

I'm Dreaming of a White(-haired, naturally curly) Christmas: pt 1

* * *

Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through the Shinsengumi . . .house,

Not a creature was stirring - not even a mouse

_Except for Okita, who was outside doing demonic rituals, and Hijikata who was obsessively trying to catch Okita doing demonic rituals, and Kondou, who serenading Otae under her window, and Yamazaki who was watching badminton porn . . . but we can safely assume everyone whose names we don't know was asleep, or making out, or reading Jump, or whatever it is they do when they're not looking menacing behind the people whose names we _do_ know._

_At any rate, _

The troop members were nestled all snug in their beds

_Okay, so that was what they were doing_

While visions of capturing terrorists danced in their heads

* * *

And Sougo with his rocket launcher and Hijikata with his smokes

Had just settled down (insert dirty jokes)

When outside the grounds there arose such a clatter

Hijikata sprang from his futon to see what was the matter

_Although he assumed it was Kondou coming home drunk and beaten up like usual_

_

* * *

_

The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow Gave a luster of midday to objects below

And what to his rather fiery and jaded eyes did appear

But a slightly lame scooter and some people sneaking near

_And hey, at least three of them were wanted!_

_

* * *

_

With a driver whose hair was so curly and white

Hijikata knew in a moment they would get in a fight

More rapid than eagles his supporting characters they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

* * *

"Now, Kagura, now Shinpachi, now Zura & Sakamoto

On Otose! On Takasugi! On Sadahura & Madeo!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

_Not that that made sense, because they were all dashing _to,_ not away, but on the other hand they were pulling a flying scooter, so obviously sense was not playing a big part in this scene anyway_._ For such is the wonder of Christmas. Or something. _

_Meanwhile,_

_

* * *

_

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the temple top the cameo characters they flew,

With a scooter full of randomness - and St. Gintoki, too.

* * *

And then, in a twinkling, Hijikata heard on the roof

Them all fall down gracelessly, with an oof

He had just drawn out his sword and was turning around

When in through the window St. Gin came with a bound

_Because Edo-style buildings don't have chimneys. Actually, I'm not sure if they really have windows, either. So he might have just slid open a door, having just been unceremoniously kicked off the roof by someone but probably Kagura._

_

* * *

_

He was dressed in full cosplay, from his head to his boot

And one layer was half off but still highly cute

A slender white finger he had stuck up his nose

And he looked like he was just waking up from a doze

* * *

He had a dazed look and some pretty nice pecs

And maybe it's fitting that that rhymes with se-_(censored for Christmas)_

Uhhhh, the stump of a Pocky he held tight in his teeth,

And I'd rather make this description a little more brief, _so . . . ._

_

* * *

_

He was lean & built, a more Legolas-syle elf

And Hijikata groaned when he saw him, in spite of himself

_Although it's debatable whether that's more or less rude than _laughing_ at someone_

He spoke not a word, but straight to his work

And ate all the candy, then turned with a jerk

_To avoid the cannon that Hijikata had borrowed from Okita. . . . ._

_

* * *

_

. . . Which missed him . . . . but completely shattered the rhyme scheme, although it's not as if it was working out that well before anyhow.

St. Gin looked at Hijikata reproachfully, thankfully abandoning all attempts at AABB rhyming. "Hey now, that's not what you call the Christmas Spirit!" he protested.

"Considering you've broken into our lodgings and are stealing our food . . . ." Hijikata, who actually hates rhymes – also puns - with a passion, countered, leveling the cannon for another shot.

"Where's your love of the fellowship of man and joy of living on this, the most special all of nights?"

"I repeat, you are breaking into our house."

"Kagura-chan wanted to hang a stocking."

"Then do it in your own place!"

Gintoki sighed. "You don't get this at all," he explained as if worried that Hijikata was recently suffering some brain damage. "Here, let me tell you a story so you can understand about the true meaning of Christmas."

"Don't you dare!"

"Okay, I will -"

* * *

And here is the very important Christmas story that Gintoki told. (All of you in class 3-Z, there _will _be a test).

* * *

Once there was a miserly, twisted man who made everyone in Edo-ville miserable with his unpleasant and penny pinching ways because his heart was two sizes too small. His name was Ebeneezer Toushirou, but we'll just call him Scroogikata for short.

Every day he made his subordinates sweat to the bone, and even his so-called boss had to spend his nights shivering over his paperwork, not even able to afford a scarf to warm him, not even one of those red ones they sell at Animate that are just little strips of red felt that someone over at the Gintama money-making Corp. has, like, cut out with scissors and then used a magic marker to just scribble the word "Gintama" on into the corner and then sold as Hijikata's special red scarf.

I mean, I love Gintama merchandise, but that's just a little sad.

. . . although I suppose it's still better than selling Sougo's red sumo thong. . . .

Anyway, one day Kondou came to his office. "Scroogikata, sir," he said humbly, "Yamazaki has recently had a terrible accident and I'm afraid his badminton racket is irreparably broken. Could I possibly have a Christmas bonus to buy him a new one?"

"What!" bellowed Scroogikata, who was already in a bad mood from having to watch _It's a Wonderful Life_ fourteen times with Sougo, because it's secretly Sougo's favorite movie since he's obsessed with the idea of making certain people disappear or even better never having lived. (Although the happy ending always annoys him.) "Money for badminton rackets! You're already destroying our budget with that stupid Christmas party! And you think we can afford rackets, _too_! Next you'll be wanting money for _food_ or _soap_ or _orphans _or happy little fluffy smiling _bunnies_! We can't afford to be so wishy washy in the Shinsengumi! We must keep our guard up!"

Ooo, Scroogikata just channeled Tezuka from Prince of Tennis.

Obviously, this annoyed him even further, because who wants to channel a stoic 14-year-old who looks 25 and can say nothing that's not related to pillars, keeping guards up or running laps? Although he does glow gold sometimes, which is cool. Scroogikata isn't really a gold kind of person, however, so he channeled the normal kind of 14 year old instead and threw a Christmas hissy fit revolving around the words "badminton" "party" and "good will" that left Kondou wilting and dismayed.

"I'm sure we'll figure out something, Toshi," Kondou murmured, looking sad for the mobile cloud of grump that was his friend Scroogikata. "Anyway, this party is tonight and I hope yo—"

"Bah!" interrupted Scroogikata. If he was still channeling Tezuka he probably would have made Kondo run laps around the compound, but instead he just lit up a cigarette and gestured to the heaps of reports scattered on his desk. "Look at all this paperwork," he demanded. "The streets of Edo don't just clean themselves of criminals on their own, you know. I don't have time for parties and such nonsense!"

"But Toshi . . . It would mean a lot to all of us if . . . ."

"Excuse me," Scroogikata said unrelentingly. "I have _work_ to do."

And leaving Kondou behind, Scroogikata stomped outside, where a plaintive voice begged him to stop. "Please sir, I am a sad little matchstick girl, aru," said a sad little red-headed matchstick girl. "Please buy my matchsticks so that I can eat some sukonbu for Christmas and not starve to death."

"Those aren't matchsticks, they're just sticks," Scroogikata said callously. "That one still has leaves on it. If you really want to sell matches so bad, why don't you go down to a bar and mug some smoker so you can at least have something to sell someone might want to buy?"

And with that he went on his unfeeling way, kicking some snow in her face. Ooo, he was a bad, bad man.

Next he went to the town square in the hopes of finding some criminals, but all he saw was the tiniest Who of all, Shinpachi-Lou, hanging a precious little ornament on an adorable Christmas tree.

"Bah humbug," he snarled. "All this Christmas emotion is making me nauseous." And with that he stomped back home, locked himself in his office and chain-smoked himself into a stupor and fell asleep.

* * *

He was woken by someone saying, "Scroogikata-kun," in an eerie voice, which confused him because the only person annoying enough to call him –kun on a regular basis was currently dead.

Scroogikata opened his eyes and blinked blearily at the pale and slightly oozing figure in front of him.

"Dammit, Itou, why are you here?" he demanded. "And what happened to your arm? Aren't things like that supposed to re-attach in the after-life? You're dripping on my floor."

"Good evening, Scroogikata-kun," Itou said, ignoring the remarks about his partial dismemberment, which actually _were_ pretty tacky considering that Scroogikata's best friend was the one who had caused said dismemberment in the first place. "I am here to warn you that you are in great danger of spending eternity in torment."

"Why you?"

"Well, actually, everyone else _wanted_ to see you spending eternity in torment. But since we bonded at the last moment that one time . . . ."

"You mean when we screamed at each other in really big and extended font and then I killed you in honorable combat, thus allowing you to regain your samurai pride? Eh, well, maybe . . . "

They considered rebonding a little, but that would pretty much require screaming each other's names really really loud, which would probably wake the neighbors, so they decided against it.

"Anyway," Itou continued. "I'm here to warn you. It's too late for me, but if you don't mend your ways, what happened to me could happen to you."

"What, you mean I'll kill _myself_ in honorable combat?"

"No, I mean that even though I realized the importance of comrades and trust and goodness at the end, I still must pay for my misguided actions in life by enduring an existence of unspeakable torment and pain."

"That sucks."

"Eh, I'm up for patrol next year so it's not so bad. But you, Hijikata-kun, you won't have that chance! You're squandering your opportunities by the handful by turning your back on the people who make your life worth living. If you don't stop being such a cold-hearted bastard you'll end up an old alone disillusioned man with hemorrhoids, mark my words!"

"I don't know why I should be listening to you," Hijikata snapped. "Go find your arm or something. I need to get to sleep."

"Ah, I'm sorry to hear you say that," Itou sighed, "because now it is my sad duty to inform you that you will be visited by three ghosts this night. Heed them well, Scroogikata-kun, for this may be your last chance . . . . "

And with that, he disappeared.

"Whatever," said Scroogikata and fell back asleep.

* * *

More randomness and less rhyming in part two! 


	9. silver bells pt2

DISCLAIMER: Apparently Santa didn't listen to my request, because Gintama is still not mine. Neither are a Christmas Carol, 'Twas the Night Before Christmas or any of the other holiday-related works referenced in this story.

WARNINGS: Spoilers for the Mitsuba arc. Some reference to death. (But in a Christmas-y way!) Also, if you're one of those people who get irritated when, in English, someone writes a name/title such as Shiroyasha using a "the" . . . .sorry.

A/N: I actually was planning on trying something actually heart-warming and then suddenly . . . I don't know. I don't even begin to know where this came from. Ho ho ho.

* * *

I'm Dreaming of a White(-haired, naturally curly) Christmas: pt2

* * *

Sometime later, in the dead of night (we can assume Itou came in the dead of, uh, late evening) Scroogikata was awoken by a ghostly, white-haired figure tripping over him.

"Ouch," said the ghostly, white-haired figure. "I thought you'd be in bed sleeping the sleep of the innocents on Christmas Eve, not slumped over your desk in a tobacco-induced stupor like an old, alone, disillusioned man plagued by hemorrhoids. Don't you have any shame?"

"Look who's talking," snapped Scroogikata, and then he really did look who was talking.

"Hey, aren't you the legendary infamous Shiroyasha?" he said in surprise, because that's the kind of person you don't expect to find tripping over you on Christmas Eve. Then he paused. "Wait, am I even supposed to know who the Shiroyasha is?"

The legendary infamous Shiroyasha shrugged. "I was pretty notorious, I guess," he said modestly.

"But . . . I've never noticed that you're actually Gintoki?" Scroogikata continued, confused.

"I don't know," the Shiroyasha confessed. "I haven't really paid close enough attention to the storyline to notice if you've noticed."

"How could I not?" Scroogikata wondered.

The Shiroyasha scratched his head under the dramatically fluttering (even without wind) headband. "Well," he hazarded, "I cut my hair."

"That should not be enough to confuse an entire corps of highly trained policem – and stop sniggering like you don't think we really are highly trained and efficient because we _are! _I should arrest you right now!"

"No, no," said the Shiroyasha quickly, "That's okay. All that was _way in the past_ so it's _totally unimportant now _and we should _forget all about_ i– oh wait, no, that's not what I'm supposed to be telling you. Uhhh, what I meant was," continued the Shiroyasha awkwardly, "_speaking_ of the past, I'm here to show you _Your_ _I__mportant and Significant Past_ so that you can remember a time when you weren't such a cold heartless bastard."

"I've ALWAYS been like this, moron," Scroogikata pointed out, fishing out another cigarette.

"You mean there wasn't even like a short time somewhere when you were joyful and gay?"

"You mean gay as in happy?" Scroogikata asked suspiciously.

"Yes."

"No."

"Well, look at these scenes from the past anyway," the Shiroyasha shrugged. "See, here's when you first met Kondou. Ha, you really got the sht kicked out of you, didn't you? And here's, uh, well, you're just standing around . . . Hang on, give me a second to find something better . . . ."

"That's it?" asked Scroogikata dubiously as the Shiroyasha flipped rapidly through Volume Fifteen. "All you're doing is showing me scenes from the manga. And you even wrote in it. Look, it says here 'Gin pwns Hiji' and over here – what's this? Did you actually draw a poo on my head!?"

"That was Kagura, she was exploring her artistic potential," the Shiroyasha said dismissively. Then he seemed to remember that he was a scary harbinger of something or other, so he added, "Woooo".

"Aren't you supposed to at least take me back in time to relive my past?" Scroogikata complained, because he didn't really care if random and stupid things happened to him (he was used to that) he just asked that a little effort be put into them.

"Can I do that?" the Shiroyasha asked interestedly.

"Why are you asking me?! Isn't this your job?"

The Shiroyasha started to clean his ear with a pinky. "Well, actually, I'm just a temp. This morning a sort of white glowy thing came to my office and asked me to fill in for it on a job, but it wasn't very specific. In fact, I'm not entirely sure I'm even supposed to be haunting you. I was just given this book and told to look for the cold-hearted bastard, so I assumed it was you."

"That's me in the manga," Scroogikata pointed out.

"Is it? I can't tell because your hair is different."

"Will you stop obsessing about hair?! I mean, at least you could show me the anime. It's in color."

The Shiroyasha shook his head. "I haven't downloaded Episode 86 yet," he admitted. "Look here, the pretty lady is really in love with you, huh?"

Scroogikata looked at page 171, panel six, and against his wishes remembered that yes, the pretty lady really had been deeply in love with him, and he her – and the memory of how they had bonded over excessive use of condiments made him so emotional that he had to lunge for his desk and whip out a big chunk of wasabi and stuff it in his mouth so that he could blame the tears on it being spicy.

"Okay, now that you've remembered the pure clean feeling of love, are you ready to stop being such a bastard?" the Shiroyasha asked, inspecting the contents of his ear unearthed by his finger.

"No," said Scroogikata grumpily.

"It would be nicer if you did."

"Too bad!"

"Well, in that case," the Shiroyasha flicked the ear wax across the room thoughtfully, "you will be visited by the Ghost of-" there was a rustle as he took out a crib sheet – "Christmas Presents."

"Isn't that Santa Claus?" Scroogikata asked, a little confused as how they had gone from _eternal torment old alone hemorrhoids_ to Ho Ho Ho.

The Shiroyasha rechecked the paper. "_Present._ Sorry. Christmas Present."

"What does that mean?"

"How am I supposed to know? Figure it out yourself and grow in the ways of manhood."

Scroogikata started to say something insulting, but suddenly the Shiroyasha was gone.

* * *

Immediately, however, Scroogikata sensed another presence (because the dead of night can only last so long and things had to get a move on here) and turned quickly, hand on his sword, only to see a dark-haired figure in a kimono staring at him in distaste.

"Hello, dog of the Shogunate," said the dark-haired figure. "I'm here to show you how your Bakufu-loving ways are turning Edo into a cesspit of shame and ignorance, where men cannot stand tall and women, uh, can't either."

Scroogikata blinked at the figure. "Do I know you, O Ghost of Christmas Present?" he asked at last.

"It's not Ghost of Christmas Present. It's Katsura."

"You mean the terrorist? I can't believe I didn't recognize you!"

"Ah, well, I recently cut my hair. Anyway, follow me and I'll show you how your misguided loyalty to the puppet government is slowly sinking Edo into the slime."

"Um, okay, whatever," said Scroogikata.

The-Ghost-of-Christmas-Present-ja-nai-Katsura-da walked to the door and opened it. "Come on," he said shortly.

"We have to walk?" complained Scroogikata, quickly grabbing his patented cheap red scarfTM to protect his neck from the cold. "The special effects are pretty low budget in this haunting."

"Hauntings used to be much braver and nobler," It's-not-the-Ghost-of-Christmas-Present-it's-Katsura said sorrowfully, "until people like YOU helped support the aliens overrunning our noble country and –"

"Yeah yeah, I get it and I even agree with you somewhat," Scroogikata interrupted. "But can we get on with this?"

"Whatever," said TGoCP-ja-nai-Katsura-da, and walked out the door. Hijikata followed him as they went down the engawa, turned right, turned left, then walked for three more meters and stopped.

"That's it? You took me to the rec room?" Scroogikata asked disgustedly.

TGoCP-ja-nai-Katsura-da gave him a dark look. "What do you expect? We're supposed to looking at the _present_ aren't we?"

"The present _could_ be far away," Scroogikata pointed out.

"Well, it's not. Live with it."

Luckily, before they could get into a bitch slap fight, a big warm roar of laughter rolled out into the night from the common room and distracted them.

Curious despite himself, Scroogikata peered through a slightly open window (because I'm still pretty sure they didn't have glass at this point) and saw a pageful of rosy, laughing faces reveling in holiday spirits. (Not holiday spirits like the ghost of Itou. The other, God Rest You Merry Gentlemen, cheery and bright, kind.)

Suddenly, however, Kondo's content smile faded slightly. "Ah, if only Toshi were here," he said wistfully, sighing a little. "It's not the same without him . . . . Everyone, let's drink to our missing friends – and the warm feeling of fellowship we share this cold night!"

Yamazaki, cradling his makeshift badminton racket made out of twigs and used dental floss, with a pincone for a birdie, lifted his cup high and added, "And Kami-sama bless us, everyone!"

And there was a lovely, long, waffy, feel-good clinking of glasses that was as close to a group hug as you can get without anyone actually touching anyone else.

* * *

" . . . Well, I don't know what that's supposed to teach me," Scroogikata said gruffly after a moment.

"It's supposed to teach you that by supporting the weak and dishonest Amanto-controlled government, you are not only hurting all of the country, but also those closest to you," said Katsura (NOT the Ghost of Christmas Present) promptly.

Scroogikata looked at him narrowly. "Actually, I _don't_ think that's what it's really supposed to teach me."

Katsura da shrugged. "Fine, it might be trying to teach you not to be such a cold-hearted bastard. Same diff."

And then he disappeared. In his place, a disconcertingly oval duck-like creature appeared and held up a hastily lettered sign, although really that's more like Panda!Saotome in Ranma1/2 than Elizabet--

"Good God!" said Scroogikata, interrupting that tangent with his surprise at the appearance of the Ghost of Christmas Present point five.

Then, recovering from his shock, he bent down to decipher the sign: "Oh, by the way, you will be visited by one more ghost this night," he read slowly. "The Ghost of Christmas Futu—"

* * *

Suddenly, Scroogikata trailed off at the sound of a familiar whine of machinery . . . and barely dodged as abruptly, the prudently abandoned sign was splintered into a thousand pieces by a fiery projectile.

"Yep," said a black-robed Sougo, resting the smoking rocket launcher on his shoulder, "that would be me. The Ghost of Christmas Death."

"It's the Ghost of Christmas _Future,_ idiot," Scroogikata retorted, brushing himself off.

"But your future is death, Scroogikata-san," Sougo said calmly. "Why don't you see for yourself?"

And with a wave of his hand, the scene changed. Scroogikata found himself on the edge of a city in deep night.

"Where is this place?" he demanded, because it was creepy how it was only Sougo who could just wave his hand like that and make them materialize somewhere else.

"This is your graveyard, Scroogikata Toushirou," answered Sougo solemnly.

" . . .it looks like a garbage dump."

Sougo shrugged a little. "Well, after you died the Shinsengumi pretty much fell apart and no one had enough money to bury you properly."

"You mean you just tossed my body in there?"

"Not really your body." Sougo tapped his rocket launcher thoughtfully. "It was more like ashes, technically."

Scroogikata stared at him. "You killed me? Did you really kill me? Seriously?" he demanded. "You did, didn't you? You psycho!"

Sougo held up a hand. "Maa, Scroogikata-san," he reprimanded, "I'm not allowed to tell you the future, just show you the results. But I can tell you that you died alone, regretting all the many many MANY stupid decisions you had made, but most especially the ones that caused you to cast aside Kondou-san's friendship and seclude yourself like a –"

"-cold-hearted bastard with hemorrhoids, yeah, I know," Scroogikata said a little absently, pondering the garbage dump and more especially the way Sougo had said the Shinsengumi had fallen apart. He was a grumpy, cold-hearted bastard (although he did NOT have hemorrhoids) in order to _protect_ the Shinsengumi, not hurt it. Well, okay, some of that was just natural preference, but . . . .

"If the Shinsengumi fell apart," he said slowly, "what happened to . . . . "

Sougo's face seemed to recede into the darkness of his cloak. "Kondou-san died first," he said softly, "and then the rest of us followed . . . . "

He waved his hand again and the scene changed to a real graveyard and a row of smooth grave stones under a tree. A haggard-looking, heavily scarred Yamazaki, was carefully placing flowers on all the graves. "If only Scroogikata-fukuchou had stayed with us," he sighed, limping to the next grave. "But he only cared about himself, that cold-hearted bastard."

"No," said Scroogikata in horror. "I never wanted that! And why does everyone else get gravestones when I'm in the garbage dump? Why can't I be with the rest of the Shinsengumi? Why am I – alone?"

"Because you chose to be," Sougo said tonelessly.

"But—"

"Yes, Scroogikata-san-" and Sougo's voice seemed to boom in his ear, growing louder and colder as everything started to go black, "you die alone, just as you lived alone. . . ." He lowered the rocket launcher accusingly, the dread last word echoing _alone alone alone_ as Scroogikata's world tore into flame--

* * *

"AHHHHH!" Panting, Scroogikata woke to find himself draped over his desk, the taste of stale cigarettes in his mouth. Had it all been a dream? He didn't know – but it stole over him the feeling that he was wasting this most precious time of his life.

There was no time to lose! He had to. . . get that rocket launcher away from Sougo! But before that, he had to embrace the warmth and love of the holiday season.

Moving so fast he actually skidded around the corners, like that scene with Tom Cruise, although it would be so much better if it had been Scroogikata in boxers and his Shinsengumi coat and a cigarette, Scroogikata raced the seven meters to the common room and flung open the door, panting.

There was a slight pause as all of the assorted guests, who were pretty much every random character you've ever seen in the series, even the ones who had absolutely no business being there, blinked at the heavily breathing, slightly crazed-looking madman who had burst into their festivities. Then they realized who it was and were immediately filled with warm fuzzies at the thought that Scroogikata had decided to join them. In fact, there was even an impromptu cheer and someone stuck a pair of humorous reindeer antlers on his head as Kondo beamed tearfully at him and handed him a festive drink involving nog and/or mulled something.

"Toshi!" he said happily. "You came!"

And Scroogikata, seeing the happy faces of the assembled friends and misc., felt his heart grow one size larger, because seriously two or three sizes is just not going to happen with this guy and also could probably lead to cardiac arrest.

Then he suddenly remember the little match stick girl and raced outside to scoop her up from her pile of snow.

Although actually by now she was warmly wrapped in a cloak and sitting on a huge mound of sukonbu thanks to following Scroogikata's suggestion of robbing some poor drunks blind. But she was still very happy to get to go inside where there was food and laughter and song, not to mention good will toward man and hefty amounts of nog.

"And Kami-sama bless us," said little Yamazaki (again), "_every_one."

* * *

"So there," said St. Gintoki.

"What did that have to with _anything?_" Hijikata demanded.

"You couldn't see the parallels?"

"Parallels to what, you insane housebreaker?"

"You see, Virginia," St. Gintoki explained patiently, while behind him Kagura and Shinpachi ate all the food, and Katsura stole secret documents, and Takusugi set fire to the Christmas tree, "although your innocent dreams may have been hurt when you went to the department store as a toddler and noticed Santa smelled not like holy mistletoe but like second tier rum, still, wherever there are silver bells walking in a Winter wonderland on high on a silent night that decks the hall away in a manger while chestnuts roast over an open fire and little drummer boys bring joy to the world on the third day of Christmas while shepherds their watch are keeping . . . A thousand years from now, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood. Because yes, Virgina, there IS a Santa Claus!"

Hijikata glowered. "My name isn't Virgina. And how was _any_ of that supposed to make sense?"

St. Gintoki shrugged. "Whatever."

* * *

And laying a finger on the side of his nose (not in it this time)

And giving a nod, out the . . . door . . . he rose.

_Leaving nothing in the kitchen and the burning Christmas tree flaming merrily (which was why Kondou woke up to find Hijikata covered in lights because Sougo really wanted a tree)._

_

* * *

_

And we heard him exclaim 'ere he scootered out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all!"

And to all a good night.

* * *

Merriest of holidays, y'all.


	10. hair

DISCLAIMER: I kind of want to make this statement about Gintama being totally not mine in a Katsurap yo kind of way . . . but I won't.

WARNINGS: Rated PG for . . . violence to hair?

TIMELINE: pre-manga :)

A/N: So far I've been sick all of 2008, which is irksome (sigh). This one's kind of weird, but a while back, some people wanted to see Okita's hair on fire. Oh, Sougo, why do you have to have such short, not easily caught alight hair?! But I do think it's interesting to imagine what happened in the time between them leaving the dojo and them being who they are in the present day. Somehow, Toshirou always ends up bearing the brunt of everything . . . .

NOTE: In old-style Japanese buildings, which I'm assuming these are, there was a fireplace right in the middle of each room, over which hung a kettle or cooking pot or whatever. So that's what's up with the first part of this story.

* * *

Early Days in Edo – Hair

* * *

They've been in Edo for two weeks now and things are beginning to fall into place, other than the fact that Sougo seems to have decided that killing Hijikata would be a really good idea and Kondou seems to be subtly condoning this because apparently Sougo seems so much more cheerful now.

Hijikata's sure there are dozens of cheer-inducing hobbies in Edo that _don't_ involve daily attempts at maiming him, but he doesn't really care enough to make a big deal out of it. Besides, Sougo, eerily brilliant swordsman though he is, has so far proven himself to be entirely inept at stealth with a real katana, so Hijikata isn't worried.

He's _easily_ identified all of the attacks in the last few days, which is why it almost disturbs him when he hears the sound of footsteps suddenly _very _close and has to duck with a lot more fervor than usual to avoid the slicing blade. Sougo, after all, has always been a quick learner when he wants to be, and obviously this execute-Hijikata-because-I-hate-him-with-startling-intensity game is bringing out his best efforts.

It's not the first time that Sougo has gotten this way, but it's never been this consistent – or dangerous – before, which is maybe why Hijikata strikes back this time, kicking out his feet to topple Sougo, who isn't expecting it because it's part of the game that Hijikata is too condescending to fight back. The boy falls, caught off guard, and manages to miss the heart of the central hearth by instead hitting the kettle hanging above it and bouncing, ending up on his back at the edge of the ash while the kettle flies off to an opposite corner and lands with a dull ringing thud.

Hurriedly, Hijikata crouches down besides the sprawled captain.

"Shit, Sougo, you okay?"

(It's a strange life when you find yourself apologizing to your would-be assassin.)

Sougo blinks and puts one hand to his head accusingly. He's half lying in the hearth, mostly ash now but still a few embers here and there, and while he's not bleeding from the blow to the temple, he's . . . .

Hijikata sniffs and leans toward him.

"Sougo," he says with a frown. "You're smoldering."

It's hard to catch but just for a second, Sougo actually looks shocked. " . . . what?"

"Your head is on fire," Hijikata clarifies, slightly annoyed to think that Sougo would even think he would waste time on bad pick up lines while he was slightly _afire._

Instead of expressing distress at this situation like a sane person, however, Sougo just shoots him another, much more Sougoish look, one that Hijikata knows means they are about to start yet another battle of nonchalance.

Really, Sougo's glare is more scorching than any average flame.

"It's the heat of youth," he pronounces defensively, as if he has _ever_ acted either passionate or youthful. And then, "You're always so judgmental."

Which is pretty ironic coming from the kid who decided to hate him _seconds _after meeting him. But also beside the point.

"Your _hair_. Your hair is on fire." For Kondo's sake, for - yes, for Mitsuba's sake although he will never admit it - Hijikata grits his teeth and points this out yet again with iron-clad patience, relying on repetition to get the point through since the growing smell of burnt follicles obviously isn't doing the job. "I don't mean this in any kind of moral or metaphoric way. Your hair is really on fire. I'm just saying in case you want to put it out."

Sougo seems to believe this is an absurd statement, although not for the logical reasons, and continues to regard Hijikata with sizzling, unmoving, dislike. "You're not the boss of me."

Yes Hijikata is, but he knows saying that will not get them un-on fire any sooner. "I don't want to be," he says instead, which is true. "I'm just mentioning to you that your _hair is on fire_."

And this time, finally, the boy hesitates a little, as if debating how to answer. "So's yours," he says eventually.

Which is . . . true, Hijikata realizes. Bending over Sougo like this, his ponytail is definitely long enough to have landed in the hearth, and a quick glance over his shoulder confirms that it is indeed now flaming a bit.

However. That is also _not_ the point here.

"Mine's longer," he says dismissively, because there's no way he's letting Sougo win something stupid like this. After all, he has _minutes _before serious scalp burns occur and Sougo's only got a few seconds at best.

Unexpectedly, Sougo's glare rekindles from amid the embers and the boy moves to sit up with a jerk, sizzling hair strands swinging like tiny stars past his cheek.

"That's why everyone's saying you're a backwater samurai who doesn't know anything about Edo," he mutters grumpily.

Hijikata narrows his eyes, ignoring the growing hiss and crackle and smoke behind him. This is unexpected – not the comments or even that Sougo has noticed them, but that he _cares_.

"I'm the only one who has lived here before, moron," he says for lack of anything else to rebut Sougo's concern/accusation/pout.

The young captain still looks upset, which is so out of character for Sougo, even a mildly aflame Sougo, that Hijikata is slightly at a loss. "We're supposed to be Kondou-san's impressive team," he tells Hijikata almost angrily. "You shouldn't let them laugh at you."

Hijikata probably should correct the boy, reminded him that they are here to serve the bakufu, not Kondou. But he doesn't believe in unnecessary lies, and he knows Sougo knows as well as he does exactly why they are all in Edo.

Really, this _is_ a stupid game they're playing.

Although he's still not going to lose.

So instead of saying anything, he just leans forward again until he's face to face with Sougo, tilting slightly just before their noses touch, to casually pull that sizzling lock of hair forward to meet the cigarette he was about to light before all this happened. A slow inhale and the smoke is lit, and Hijikata grinds out the follicles between his finger and thumb like any match and watches the burn of the cigarette reflect in Sougo's turbulent eyes.

Then he leans back, because he's found a new way to end this that's close enough to winning that he doesn't mind what he's giving up.

"Anyone who takes the Shinsengumi lightly will find out the hard way just how good we are," he reminds Sougo laconically, half promising, half stating a fact.

The extinguished captain looks only partly mollified. "It could take weeks to beat everyone in Edo," he frowns.

"You could be right," Hijikata calculates absently, enjoying the taste of the cigarette. "In that case, we should start right away."

When he doesn't move, Sougo says, a little tentatively, "Hijikata-san, your hair is still on fire."

"Aa," he agrees nonchalantly.

Uncertainly, Sougo half-reaches out a hand toward the now nicely burning trail of black, then stops as Hijikata exhales a slow cloud of cigarette smoke.

"They make good tobacco here, at least," Hijikata says reflectively.

Sougo changes his motion into a vague shrug. "Un," he murmurs in a sort of unspecified, uncertain, agreement.

They sit silently as Hijikata and his hair smoke, then when the cigarette and the ponytail have been consumed, get up and beat the crap out of the first people who laugh. And the second. And third.

All in all, it's a good week in Edo.

(end)

* * *

_Once again, thank you to all you awesome reviewers! You guys rock sooo very much. _

_Ya-chan, nice to hear from you again! Thanks! Niram, you're so nice to write so many reviews! I like the idea of a collection of one-shots - sort of logic-defying like the Shinsengumi pack of lone wolves :D Bobolac, I think you were the one who started me obsessively trying to figure out how to set Okita on fire, so . . .I don't know whether to thank you or not. XD_


	11. kaboom

DISCLAIMER: Completely not mine.

WARNINGS: Rated PG for . . . Sougo x Bazooka OTP

TIMELINE: pre-manga :)

A/N: Man, the reviews I get are so much funnier/twisted than anything I could think up! That's awesome. I've been meaning to update for a while, but students keep getting in the way, so I'm sticking two random shots up today while I can, because this is really my favorite trio since Star Trek. Although Spock & McCoy didn't try to kill each other. . . . Although it would be pretty hilarious if they did. Ooo, and Happy Valentine's Day!

* * *

Early Days in Edo: Accessories

_in which Sougo narrowly avoids cosplay_

* * *

"It's no good, Toshi," Kondou sighed. "We need to be more intimidating. Fast and efficient is the key. Right now these missions are taking too much time because the bad guys still think they have a chance at resisting. They need to take one look at us and know they're in trouble."

That was Kondou Isao – a grown man naïve enough not only to say things like "the bad guys" with a straight face but who actually still _believed_ in a difference between bad guys and good guys, and yet could nail a problem with pure instinct.

And then somewhere along the line it had been determined that Hijikata was supposed to come up with the solutions to any and all of said problems. He sometimes wondered when that had happened. Why couldn't _he_ be the one who got to say,_ We need to defeat those twenty-nine fire-breathing aliens equipped with top notch technology__ and strange mutant powers__. Sort it out will you, Isao? _

But since Kondou's only ideas were slight variations on CHARGE WITH MANLY VIGOR!. . . yeah, that's why it had happened like this instead. Most of the time Hijikata didn't mind, even somewhat enjoyed getting to be the vicious demon mastermind in the organization. Or at least he was planning to enjoy it (a lot) once these pesky little problems such as gaining the respect/fear of all Edo were taken care of. But in the meantime . . . .

The uniforms _were_ helping – they had a snap and flutter to them that was impressive, as well as being happily flexible enough not to hinder swordsmen who had fought in hakama all their lives. Kondou looked appropriately ferocious when fighting and Hijikata _knew_ he looked nice and lazily evil. The real problem was that the truly terrifying one on the team looked – at least if you were far away enough that you couldn't see his expression – like a kid.

And having a so-called kid prominently featured in the ranks turned every operation ever so subtly into a family picnic. Even in the uniform – maybe especially so – it was easy to spot how much younger and damnably short Sougo was. By the time you were close enough to notice his sadism, it was already far too late.

However, short of giving him a t-shirt that read "_I am evil. Fear me."_ in really big letters, there wasn't much that could be done until Sougo finished what was promising to be not much of a growth spurt, or at least outgrew his baby face tendancies.

"Brats look like brats," Hijikata summarized, shrugging.

"We never get any action because everyone always goes for Sougo thinking he'll be an easy win," Kondou agreed musingly. "One of these days he could actually get hurt. Maybe we could give him, like a buff eyepatch, or something. Or dye his hair an intimidating color?" He pondered the common attributes of kickass characters in the new peridiocal popular here in Edo called Jump

"Piercings _might_ work . . . ." Hijikata suggested dubiously. The mental image this conjured up certainly disturbed him, at least. "Or using a lot of hair spray somehow. . . . ."

Warming up to the brainstorm, Kondou mimed a line from temple down through one eye. "What about a fake scar or two, maybe?"

Hijikata fingered a slash in his sleeve where Sougo's last good morning "greeting" had gotten a bit close. "Real scars would be better . . ." he sighed wistfully

"Toshi, we're being serious."

"Are we?" Hijikata rarely was, completely. He had learned a long time ago that it was easier to keep sane that way.

"Of course!" Kondou, on the other hand, was _always_ earnestly serious. And possibly insane. "Now, how about tattoos?"

"Too subtle. Platform shoes would help with the height, I suppose . . . "

"What about a really cool hat or a cape or something?"

"A mask, maybe . . . . "

"Menacing-looking glasses that sheen in the light?　Ooooo, how about some kind of menancing catchphrase?"

Hijikata blinked at Kondo ;s repetition of the word "menacing", not a word usually associated with groups who were supposed to be cleaning up Edo. It was on the tip of his tongue to point out that most of what Kondo was suggesting was usually related to the _evil_ characters . . . but on the other hand, considering this was Sougo, that actually made perfect sense. Forget about Champions of Justice. Sougo just needed to look, from a minimum distance of ten meters, as nasty as he really was.

"I guess if he had some kind of . . . exotic leather and . . .studs . . . " he hazarded, although there was definitely something mentally scarring about this conversation.

"Rig—eh?" Kondo hesitated mid-enthuse and shot him a wary look. "Uh, Toshi, we're talking about what will make him seem dangerous, not, you know . . . kinky."

Hijikata scowled his special Insta-Scowl. "How is MY suggestion the only one that gets called kinky?" he demanded.

"Now, Toshi," Kondo said placatingly, holding up a hand, "I'm just saying that right now isn't the time to fulfill your fantasies, it's about –"

"_I don't have fantasies about Sougo and leather!"_ Hijikata checked that sentence and added sternly, "I don't have fantasies about Sougo and _anything. _How many times do I have to tell you that? Now, maybe we could build him a giant mecha."

"He'd probably step on you."

"Damn, you're right. Well then --"

Just then, Sougo himself walked across the yard carrying the largest piece of weaponry they had ever seen.

"Oh, Kondou-san," he said, ignoring Hijikata, "I was over at that shop by the river and I thought I should buy this. They were having a 10 percent sale but I bargained them down to 20 percent since they're doing black market trade."

"Uh, Sougo, we're the police," Kondou began. "We're not supposed to be—"

"Don't worry, we can shut them down tomorrow now that we've got proof. Anyway, what do you think?"

He leveled the bazooka at them from across the lawn.

Kondou swallowed. "Toshi," he breathed happily, "I think I'm feeling really intimidated right now."

Hijikata said nothing, staring mesmerized into the distant mouth of the weapon. Somehow the dark, blank opening, promising apathetic but relentless death and destruction, mirrored Sougo's habitual expression exactly. If Sougo's own malevolence could take a form, this would be it. The world seemed to crystallize around him, and Hijikata realized that thought he was standing far away, it still wasn't far enough. . . .

"It's . . . perfect!" Kondou finished his thought. "Just what he needs. It – uh, Sougo, what are you doing?"

"Now, what did this button do again?" Sougo seemed to be wondering to himself as he regarded the little round button by his fingers. He pressed it.

Hijikata instinctively dove and felt something bright and searing pass so close to his face that he could feel the heat.

"Oh, right. That's 'fire'," Sougo said calmly as Kondou – with great presence of mind as befitted the leader of the Shinsengumi - prudently beat out the sizzling edges of what had been, two seconds ago, the door to the common room.

Shouts and cries of alarm sounded from inside the now mildly exploded room, since this was before such occurrences had become a part of daily life, _thus_ greatly stimulating troop members' ability to duck and dodge _and thereby_ saving many lives which would have otherwise been lost in the line of duty, in a cunning and effective strategy called "Have Allies Crazier Than the Enemies."

(. . . Although in the case of Jyoui and Takasugi, that didn't work out so well.)

"Well, anyway, that's one problem solved," Kondou said happily, helping Hijikata to his feet.

Hijikata just glared at Sougo's back as he idly sauntered away, rocket launcher leaning casually on one shoulder. Somehow, staring from the slightly smiling boy to the blackened and still smoking woodwork, Hijikata had the feeling that the real problems were just beginning. . . .

* * *

_Swirly: Ha, you're so right! Seriously, what kind of the karma does the real Okita have to get saddled with these incarnations? On the other hand, what kind of karma does the real Hijikata have to always end up, in every version, so very much Hijikata?_

_Bobolac: You should totally pat your back. . . . wait, that sounds a bit weird out of context. Maybe it sounds weird IN context. I meant . . . ::humble:: thank you for always reviewing. ::bows repeatedly::_

_Grak-tensai: Somehow seeing RAWRs makes me happy :)_

_Ryopon: Well, the usual scenario in the doujin seems to always involve Sougo and scissors, but I really can't believe Hiji would ever let sharp-object wielding Sougo that near his neck . . . ._

_Chris F.: I'm so glad you liked so many! The ones your mentioned are probably my favorites as well . . . :)_

_Yamazaki-rei: I gotta say I agree with you!_

_Serenitaitis: Cool! Thanks for the cross-fandom reviews! _


	12. tough love

DISCLAIMER: Not mine, which is okay because I can't afford their medical insurance.

WARNINGS: Rated PG for slight references to bodily harm.

TIMELINE: Yay, again with the pre-manga :)

A/N: I like Kondou's mother hen tendancies, which I'm not sure we see in actual canon, but nevertheless I'm adamantly sure exist. We've passed 50 reviews! Wooow! That's amazing, considering there are like 11 people in this fandom. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HARD WORK REVIEWERS!!

* * *

Early Days in Edo: Efficient Leadership

_In which Kondo only pretends to do paperwork, because we all know Hijikata actually does all of it _

* * *

Hijikata's standard reaction when Sougo gets hurt is: "Idiot, what kind of master swordsman gets beat up?" Then he hesitates and offers a hand to pull Sougo to his feet, saying "Come on. Kondou-san will be worried."

Sougo's standard reaction when Hijikata gets hurt is laughing. Sometimes when the wound is more serious, however, he'll make a dissatisfied face and sigh, "Che, if only it had been another cm to the right it could have hit a major artery." Then he'll shoulder his rocket launcher and say "Hurry up. Kondou-san will be worried."

They can afford to be so nonchalant because they know that Kondou's standard reaction to either of them getting hurt is to gasp, pale, cry wildly for bandages, and demand: "Sougo, Toshi, what _happened_!" (Sougo keeps a silent tally of how many times Kondou says his name first). Sometimes if Kondou is really worried he will capture them in a bear hug and shake them dramatically, which usually hurts more than the actual wounds, but they put up with it because it's no fun being all tough and nonchalant if no one else notices.

After Yamazaki has been summoned and then sent scurrying off for bandages, Kondou will again demand to know "What _happened_?"

More often than not, Hijikata and Okita will simultaneously point at each other and say, "_That_ guy was being annoying."

At which Kondou will sigh in relief, briskly crack their heads together as a reprimand for being stupid, and let them goof off for the rest of the evening. And all is how it should be.

* * *

Hijikata and Sougo, both slightly tacky with drying blood, stand in Kondou's office as they report on successfully capturing some criminals.

They are a little disconcerted when Kondou doesn't freak at their bedraggled appearances, instead just nodding dismissively and turning back to the work on his desk.

"And there was. . . fighting . . ." Hijikata repeats just to make sure Kondou understands.

"Yes, I see you two have been having fun again," Kondou says in a preoccupied voice, barely offering them another glance before turning back to his paperwork. "Try to be more careful next time、eh?"

There is a long silence as Hijikata and Sougo wait for something more. Something concerned. Something embarrassing and over the top, but at the same time wholesome and inspiring. In short, something _Kondou._

When it doesn't come, the two wounded officers shift their feet awkwardly.

"Uh, I was sliced up by an alien," Hijikata offers after a further pause.

"A wall fell on my head," Sougo adds.

"Terrorists did it."

"I wasn't fighting with this guy."

"It . . . bled."

" . . . I'm seeing double."

"Uh huh," Kondou says distantly. "Good work."

And that is apparently all they're going to get.

Hijikata and Sougo continue to stand for a minute, feeling a bit lost (not that they'd ever admit it).

Time ticks by. Kondo starts on a new page of forms and doesn't even look up.

Finally, Hijikata eyes Sougo and says, "You probably need something for that concussion." 

Sougo starts to nod and then bites back a wince at the motion. "Hijikata-san is still oozing, too," he says cautiously, unused to being forced to show concern for any one but Kondou or his sister.

Gingerly, confused about having to worry about each other now that Kondou has inexplicably stopped worrying for them, they walk down the hall, closer than normal in case Sougo gets dizzy again but not too close in case anyone else is watching.

Kondou unclenches his fist as the door slides shut behind them. His teeth are grinding together with the effort of being cold and callous. He hates to do it, really _hates_ to, but according to the recent best seller "How to Be an Efficient Superior Officer" it's best not to coddle your subordinates or they will rely on you too much. It's better to encourage – nay, _force_ – them to rely on each other.

But . . . but . . . Kondou is really _worried_. Admittedly Hijikata has a history of bouncing back even after taking hits from dozens of men, and Sougo is well known to be slightly inhuman, but _still. _They were _bleeding. _And a _wall_ fell on Sougo. His _brains _could be scrambled. And Toshi would definitely rather just lean against something and smoke in a classic film noir way while he bled to death, rather than go whine to Yamazaki like a sane person. When it comes to taking care of themselves, those two can't be trusted at_ all. _

Kondou finds himself unconsciously shredding the papers in front of him and reaches a decision. Perhaps this is the best way to be an efficient superior officer, but he has never considered himself the superior to any of his men, and would never willingly call Toshi or Sougo his subordinates. This isn't a business, after all; it's something _important. _

He sighs in relief at the decision and – because it's true a leader has to be firm sometimes – waits a full five more seconds before tearing open the door, racing down the hall, and bursting in on . . . . Sougo doing a decent job for someone with double vision of trying to strangle Hijikata with Yamazaki's bandages while Hijikata attempts to get his non-sliced arm within wielding distance of his sword. (What, you thought they were going to get _along_?)

Both pause in their deathmatch, however, and look up at his entrance with expressions a little bruised – and who knew Toshi even knew how to do reproachful puppy eyes?

Kondou Isao takes a breath. And then, in a very satisfying way, "Tooooooshi, Sooooooougooo!" he wails. "Why are you two so carelesssss! You could have really gotten huuuuurt this time!"

Before they can respond, he grabs them, one arm for each, and squeezes them as if they might dissolve before his very eyes if he isn't careful. His exuberant concern invokes a litany of "Yes – ow – ye- ow – stop – ow – ow – don't – ouch – Kon- ow – sa- ow–" that he allows to continue for some time before pulling back and surveying his two foundlings fondly.

"Okay. So long as that's clear," Kondou says in satisfaction.

And all is once again right with the world.

This is also one of the reasons they don't encourage Kondou-san to read.

* * *

_. . . . ano, if Sougo's brains did get scrambled, could we tell the difference?_


	13. Yamazaki

Rating: PG for death, but not really. 

Spoilers: Oblique mention of the post script (Yamazaki's fate)to the Itou arc. 

Timeline: Some random time after the Itou arc. 

Warnings: Yamazaki's POVgives his superior officers their titles most of the time, which might be irritating. 

AN: Ironically, I wrote this a while ago because I felt like Yamazaki was being neglected . . . .and then completely forgot to post it! Poor Yamazaki. He really needs some love. But he's getting this instead.

* * *

Yamazaki: Reincarnation

_In which Yamazaki doesn't actually die. _

* * *

The first time Yamazaki died he didn't really and anyway got upstaged by a dog. The second time Yamazaki died he also didn't but only a few people actually know the truth about that. Here, then, is the chronicle of the lives of Yamazaki.

* * *

It had been a near thing, Yamazaki knew. A hair's difference in the thrust and he wouldn't have been able to survive. Luckily, he had been able to employ a hallowed Yamazaki family technique handed down for generations (in fact some of those generations were only around to hand down the technique _because _they had used it). So just as the space pirate stabbed he had jerked every so slightly to the right to avoid the absolutely fatal hit. He was then able to give a convincing impression of being 100 percent dead while only in fact being 99 percent dead, which naturally allowed him to not die. 

The problem was that everyone thought he _had_ died. You would think since they'd been through this once already they would exercise a little caution in their snap judgments of "oh, someone said he got stabbed with a six foot sword so he must be dead". But no, once again everyone seemed almost disturbingly eager to believe he had laid down his life in the line of duty. 

So when Yamazaki had recovered enough to stagger back to headquarters he discovered preparations for his funeral vigorously underway, and whenever he tried to tell anyone that this was not necessary, they only gasped and ran away. Admittedly losing almost all your blood can have a bleaching, ghostlike, effect on one's face, but Yamazaki still thought the reaction was a little extreme. 

Finally he tracked down Okita-taichou who, if not his first choice for sanity, at least probably had enough familiarity with a) dead people and b) vengeful spirits, to tell that he was neither. 

"Oh. So you're not dead," Okita-taichou noticed after a minute, barely pausing in hanging up commemorative streamers for the unnecessary funeral. 

"Hai. So you see, I don't need a funeral," Yamazaki hinted, gingerly waving one arm to further demonstrate his lack of deceasedness to the captain. 

Okita-taichou frowned a little. "But we've made all the plans," he countered, as if Yamazaki should see why that was a more valid argument than _not dead_. "This time we were really bored so we worked hard for you!"

That was a little touching, but kind of beside the point. Or maybe it wasn't, since it was obvious that Okita-taichou wasn't going to let all of his work go to waste easily. And since it was in Yamazaki's nature to compromise, at least when talking to psychotic killer/superior officer/ really good swordsmen, he quickly backpedaled his initial demand of being recognized as alive _and_ unfuneral'd. 

"Well . . . How about you hold the funeral now and when – if – I die sometime in the future, you don't have to do it again?" he suggested diplomatically. 

Okita-taichou considered this. "We could do that," he said finally. 

"Thank you very much, Okita-taichou!" Yamazaki said gratefully, failing to notice that Sougo had never agreed to considering him alive. 

* * *

It was a lovely funeral. Flowers abounded, Kondou-kyokuchou wept copiously and gave a heartfelt eulogy in which he cited various heroic deeds that Yamazaki was pretty sure he had never done, but which nevertheless sounded really good. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, in a funereally kind of way, except for Hijikata-fukuchou, who looked like he wanted to pound his head against a wall, which Yamazaki guessed meant he had probably noticed that Yamazaki was actually still alive. 

"－And I will keep this badminton racket as a memorial of a brave soul who gave his life to protect us," Kondou-kyokuchou weepily concluded, raising the racket high over his head. 

Yamazaki felt his jaw drop. His badminton racket!

"And I will keep his iPod and LP collection,"Okita-taichou said solemnly. "Hijikata-san, what do you want?"

"Hmm, let's see . . . "

Yamazaki hated to interrupt his own funeral (again) but . . . _his badminton racket. _And he had just bought that iPod. 

"Everyone! Pl-please wait a minute!" he protested. 

They all turned to look at him. 

"Oh, it's the ghost of Yamazaki," Okita-taichou remarked pleasantly, as if he had completely forgotten their previous conversation. Which he might have. 

"No, but I'm _Yamazaki,_" Yamazaki protested. "Alive Yamazaki."

Okita-taichou considered this. "You can't be Alive Yamazaki," he said finally. "We just had a funeral for him. And now we're going to have the wake. You can come if you want," he added generously. 

Yamazaki watched them all file out of the hall. 

"Hijikata-fukuchou!" he said plaintively as the dark-haired bastion of semi-sanity went past. 

Hijikata just shook his head. "Alcohol first." 

Depressed, although still touched, Yamazaki filed after the rest of the Shinsengumi. 

* * *

No one seemed to mind a supposedly deceased person joining his own wake, although for the rest of the night they called him ghost-of-Yamazaki. And actually, it was a veryimpressive wake indeed – so much so that suspicious people (_not _Yamazaki, because he was a kind-hearted, trusting . . .spy . . .) might have wondered if this was all just an excuse for a big party. But Yamazaki figured it was all okay, because Kondou-kyokuchou was still teary-eyed and Okita-taichou had a sake bottle almost as big as he was, and surely Hijikata-fukuchou would sort things out once everyone woke up in the morning. 

In fact, Okita Sougo was a happy drunk, so much so that it would be tempting to just keep him mildly tipsy at all times, except for his tendency to pass out approximately 1,145 seconds after coming into contact with alcohol.

"Hey, ghost-of-Yamazaki," he said after 1,140 seconds, sidling over to the spy with a disturbingly genial smile. "Is it true Yamazaki had a crush on me?"

"Wha-wha-wha - No!" Yamazaki stuttered. 

Okita-taichou peered closer. "Really?"

"Uh, uh-" Yamazaki had no idea what the right answer would be. 

Okita-taichou nodded in satisfaction. "I thought so," he said contentedly, and passed out in Yamazaki's lap. 

In the background some money changed hands and Yamazaki noticed miserably that now Hijikata-fukuchou was staring at him in a sort of disturbing, kind of bloodthirsty, way. He had a feeling he had just lost his only sane ally. 

Sure enough, much much later, as they all staggered back to headquarters (Okita-taichou draped over Hijikata-fukuchou's back and happily chewing on one of his ears), Hijikata stopped Yamazaki at the gates with a chilling glare. 

"Sorry, _ghost-of-Yamazaki_," Hijikata-fukuchou growled, "specters sleep outside."

And he shut the gate in Yamazaki's face. 

This made Yamazaki very sad, and despite the fact that he knew at least seven different ways to break into headquarters, including just knocking on the gate and asking someone else to let him in, he obediently crouched down by the gate and waited. 

Then he realized this was kind of stupid, so he went to a restaurant and ate an early breakfast and then went to a movie and THEN came back and crouched down by the gate. And waited. 

* * *

Actually,Yamazaki contemplated as he sat in the sun and listened to everyone start working, being dead was sort of peaceful. Still, at some point he would run out of money, and his stab wound hurt, and he was still worrying about his badminton racket, so when Hijikata-fukuchou finally staggered over to the gates, looking hung over and vaguely chewed on, he had no scruples to bow down in the dirt and beg to be forgiven for being alive. 

"H-hijikata-fukuchou," he pleaded tearily. 

Hijikata sighed, because deep down – very deep down – he was a soft touch, and without Yamazaki around all the laundry was piling up. Therefore . . . .

"Oi, Kondou-san," he said briskly, pulling Yamazaki into the compound, "we have a new troop member here. By an amazing coincidence, it turns out Yamazaki had a brother who is just as much as a badminton spy freak as Yamazaki was."

"That is an amazing coincidence!" Kondou-kyokuchou exclaimed, never doubting Hijikata for a second. 

Hijikata-fukuchou rolled his eyes. " Yeah. Lucky us."

Kondou-kyokuchou peered at Yamazaki curiously. "They even look almost alike," he mused, "although Yamazaki Number One wasn't quite as pasty looking, was he?"

"Eh?"

"And his haircut wasn't as bad, na Toshi." 

"It was pretty bad, too," Hijikata-fukuchou said casually around his cigarette. 

"Yeah, but not this bad. I mean, this is really really bad."

"Kondou-kyokuchou –" Yamazaki said miserably. 

Kondou-kyokuchou clapped a hand on Yamazaki's shoulder. "No matter. Truly, Yamazaki Number Two, your brother was a dedicated and glorious member of the Shinsengumi," he declared nostalgaicly. "You can only pray you will be half the man he was." 

"H-hai!" Yamazaki saluted, feeling a little intimidated by the legend of . . . himself. 

"Well then, Number Two," Kondou-kyokuchou said suddenly cheerful again," let's show you to your quarters." 

" . . . Please don't call me Number Two," Yamazaki asked helplessly. 

"What was that, Number Two?" Kondou-kyokuchou asked heartily. 

" . . . Nothing." 

And so it was that Yamazaki was reborn as Number Two, and the great cycle of karma wound on. 

* * *

_A/N: Reviews seemed divided onthe consequences of Sougo's brains being scrambled and mostly either thought it would result in him suddenly becoming kind and loving towardmankind (but still not Hijikata) or all-out, complete, cataclysmic world annihilation. Although I think that last would more likely happen if they ever open a Starbucks in Edo, because Sougo on a caffeine high would _certainly_ equal world destruction. _


	14. ice cream

DISCLAIMER: I forgot to mention last time that there are numerous reasons why I cannot be the one who owns Gintama, some of the most prevalent being my incorrect name, gender & nationality

RATING: PG+ for kisses.

WARNINGS: Slightly OOC Hijikata rant. Blame the liquor. Or Gintoki. Or both.

A/N: I'm so depressed at the lack of HijiOki in society today. I'm also too tired to write crack these days, so from here on out it's gonna be pretty much straight fluff. Well, not STRAIGHT fluff . . . eh, you know what I mean . . . .

This one is dedicated to Emiliana because that was like a, wow! marathon review session. arigatou yo :)v

* * *

Natural Progression: Thinking

_In which quite a lot of ice cream is eaten_

* * *

Hijikata and Gintoki are drunk (again) and arguing (like always). That fact that they are like this in the middle of the afternoon has its origins in a long and complex story that Kagura and Okita enjoyed at first but are now finding to be painfully dull.

"Gin-chan, let's go," Kagura calls, shifting fretfully. She gets a half-wave as an answer as Gintoki redoubles his volume and halves his coherency with a long convoluted metaphor/soliloquy involving samurai, soap, and waterfowl.

"Hijikata-saaan, aren't we supposed to be catching terrorists?" Sougo tries next and gets even less response.

The two junior members sit, mostly bored, somewhat indifferent, and just a little abandoned.

"It's always like this when those two get together," Sougo mutters.

Kagura steals a quick look at him. "Are you jealous?" she ventures.

"No." He slides his gaze over to her bright blue one. "You?"

"Don't be stupid," she says in a tone that means yes. Then in a small voice: "Maybe."

He looks away again, and finds a spot on the horizon where the two aren't fighting. "That's pathetic," he says quietly to himself.

"Yeah."

Kagura isn't particularly good at sulking, however, and soon rouses herself with a shake of her head. "Anyway," she says more firmly, "since Gin-chan is busy with that guy, you should buy me ice cream."

Sougo arches an eyebrow. "How is that logical? _That_ guy started it. You should buy _me_ ice cream."

"I don't have any money, dummy," she says as if that should be obvious, which it actually is.

"I only have 500 yen," he admits. "Hijikata-san docked my pay this week for knocking a hole in the rec room, although it's his fault for dodging."

They look at the ice cream stand hungrily as Hijikata attempts to kick Gintoki in the face with decent success and Gintoki retaliates by missing him but hitting a garbage can into his head on the rebound.

"Fine," Kagura says finally, as if she is the one making the concession, "we can share it."

"I don't want your germs," Sougo protests, making a face.

"My germs are better than your germs," she shoots back, as if that also is obvious, which is actually isn't.

Nevertheless, they buy the cone and with one finger she draws a careful line up one side of the swirled softserve and down the other to indicate Okita's side and Kagura's side.

"That's yours," she declares, pointing over the melty line in the vanilla.

"Fine," he says and they begin to eat.

Which is why, once Hijikata gets the trash can off his head and he and Gintoki take a moment to look around, they see their two young partners carefully licking something creamy and melting with mouths just bare millimeters away from each other.

Instantly, Kagura is firmly tucked under Gintoki's arm as he vigorously rubs her mouth with one slightly grimy sleeve, and Sougo is blinking from some shrubbery five feet away where Hijikata's firm yank at his collar has landed him.

"What was that?!" Hijikata demands, but of Gintoki rather than either of the actual participants.

Gintoki looks down at his struggling armful, then over at the Shinsengumi officers, then around at the world in general.

"There is no way I want to think about what just happened," he declares.

"Like I do?!" retorts Hijikata, looking like he's not sure who to be most angry with.

"So I'll let the matter pass this once," Gintoki continues, as Kagura squirms under the sleeve still cleaning her face. "But if we're sober and it ever happens again, honor will demand retribution and I warn you right now that I won't be afraid to take it up with your superior, although come to think of it he's a stalker himself so he probably won't care. Just what are the guidelines for recruiting people into your organization, anyhow? But in that case, since there's no hope of a wiser guiding force setting him straight, I'll just say . . . .there had better not be a next time!"

"That last part should be my line," Hijikata snarls. "Sougo, you idiot, let's go."

Gintoki stalks away, still absently scrubbing Kagura's mouth and muttering about how he's too young to be a father and he shouldn't have to deal with this sort of coming of age thing, not when he never made his father deal with that kind of thing, he barely even _had_ that sort oof thing, well except for once or twice but anyway isn't it different for girls, they have things to protect, they can't be all "Oh, ice cream, yoshi!" and at any rate he might have done some questionable things for ice cream in the past but at least he had never – well, almost never – picked out a sadistic madman to do ice cream-related things with . . . . .

. . . . and Hijikata moves in the opposite direction, radiating the same disapproval and muttering about how it's not like Sougo to be passive aggressive since he's usually just _aggressive_ aggressive and there is no way he's having anything to do with this, Kondou was supposed to be the surrogate father, dammit, he had been reading those stupid parenting manuals preparing for this, hadn't he, because it's not like they couldn't have seen this coming and _of course_ Sougo would pick some mentally questionable combat powerhouse because everyone knew he had a warped taste, and they never should have let them be jan-ken-pon partners that one cherry blossom viewing time because they should have known this would happen, although using that logic that would mean he, Hijikata, and Sakata would be . . . well, no, that wasn't going to happen, because, well, because for one thing he had to wear black all day and Sakata would probably shed all over him with those stupid white curly hairs and . . . .

Sougo trails after him, picking leaves off of his uniform and not bothering to listen to the half-inaudible rant. He doesn't think it's fair that Hijikata can spend half the day with Gintoki but still gets to complain about what Sougo does, especially when he wasn't getting into fights or trying to blow up anyone or anything else Hijikata _usually_ complains about.

"It was my ice cream," he finally says sullenly, feeling he should at least lodge a protest.

"You shouldn't waste money," Hijikata says shortly, and Sougo wonders why he somehow feels dissatisfied with the answer.

* * *

He bumps into Kagura a few days later, that bright umbrella and red China dress looking somehow comforting and confident, just like Gintoki is white and blue and cool, and Hijikata is simmering.

They insult each other for a while, then the topic turns to the other day's Ice Cream Incident.

"What was that about anyway?" Sougo asks eventually and Kagura tosses her head in disdain.

"Because men don't understand anything," she says cryptically.

"Really?" Sougo has never known this before, but now that he considers it, it makes a lot of sense.

She shoots him an impatient look. "Of course not. Why else would they have gotten so angry?"

"Hijikata-san's always angry. Why do you think?"

She shrugs, refusing to answer. "Gin-chan thought we were going to kiss," she says, and maybe that's kind of an answer.

"Hm. Were we?"

"I didn't know yet."

"I guess we could," Sougo offers, because he can't see much wrong with it. They've already gotten into trouble for it, after all, so they might as well.

She rolls her eyes and he remembers that men don't know anything, but it's innocently offered and innocently accepted. "But we have to have ice cream first," she stipulates and Sougo shrugs because ice cream seems as good a reason to kiss as any.

Dutifully, he buys the cone and once again Kagura draws a careful line in the swirls. This time they finish uninterrupted and then regard each other hesitantly.

"You have ice cream on your face," Kagura says finally.

"So do you," Sougo notices.

Carefully, they lean toward each other and kiss it off.

It's cautious and chaste and it's fine, not much of anything really. "Is that what it's supposed to feel like?" Kagura asks after they part again and Sougo doesn't know the answer either.

It's gotten him curious, though so when he returns to quarters and sees Hijikata reviewing reports with his customary frown, he drops a book on his fingers to get him to look up, and when he does, bends down and kisses him, too. He tastes like smoke, not ice cream, and his lips are rough. Hijikata doesn't move but it feels different and there's the inkling of a heat that starts inside Sougo that suggests the answer to the Kagura's question.

"What was that?" Hijikata says when Sougo pulls back. Hijikata's eyebrows are so raised they're reaching into his hairline and any other time Sougo would be deeply smug to have caused that much reaction for _any _reason.

"I was just wondering," Sougo says thoughtfully, and just this once, if Hijikata had asked, he might have told him what it was he was wondering. But of course Hijikata doesn't, just snorts and turns dismissively away.

"Keep me out of your bizarre tests," he orders.

Privately, Sougo decides that might be difficult.

* * *

Sougo and Kagura meet again the next week, feeling somehow like co-conspirators although they're just now beginning to realize what the conspiracy is. Sougo buys ice cream but two cones this time and they sit on a low wall and eat.

"What do you think?" Kagura asks, swinging her feet idly.

"I don't know," Sougo hedges. "You should try with that guy."

She shakes her head. "No, that would be too weird right now. I like Gin-chan but . . . Maybe someday, I hope."

"Maybe it's the same with Hijikata-san."

She gives him a strangely old look. "He'll _never_ make up his mind by himself. He's even worse than Gin-chan."

"Is that so?" Sougo says thoughtfully. He's used to using Hijikata as the measuring stick of everything he hasn't reached yet. It's a new and compelling idea that there might be something stupid about him.

Kagura nods emphatically. "He's completely hopeless. Really, men are all idiots."

Once again Sougo has to admit she probably has a point.

* * *

So he gives in and kisses Hijikata again and this time it lasts a bit longer and Hijikata has a new look on his face when they part. "And what was _that_ for?" he asks, and there's something a little different in his voice, too.

"I wanted to," he says, but he's aware he sounds a little unsure.

This time, Hijikata doesn't turn away, just lights up a cigarette and stares up into the cloudy sky. "Idiot," he says, but it's almost gentle. "Tell me when you really make up your mind."

Sougo's aware there _is_ a decision in the making, although even he still isn't sure exactly what it will be. One thing he does know, however. Whatever it is, when he does decide, Hijikata had better watch out.

end

* * *

_Thanks to all the reviewers who thought Yamazaki needs more attention. I'm sure he's happy to hear that. Or possibly, it makes him cower in fear._ _One of the two, no doubt._


	15. catalyst

**Disclaimer:** I own none of Hideaki Sorachi's characters. My apartment is too small for them anyway.

**Rated**: Teen for implications. Oh, and Sougo mentions killing people. Geez, he does that so often that I forget I need to warn about it.

**A/N:** Oh YES, Episode 103!

Super thanks as always to all reviewers (heart)! Glad to know so many people out there are stubbornly sticking to HijiOki, because really they're just so darn fun together. This chapter starts a story arc. Sort of. The fluff is taking over, heeheehee :D

* * *

The Truth Is, Aliens Also Ship HijiOki

_In which at least one person gets a clue_

* * *

There are really too many possible suspects to even bother trying to guess who is behind it (later Yamazaki will come up with a ridiculously long list, and that's only considering the people they KNOW they've pissed off, half of whom are technically their _allies_), but the night that _someone_ sends shapeshifting assassins to infiltrate Shinsengumi headquarters, Hijikata and Okita rush into Kondo's room and are distinctly relieved to see him standing mournfully over the very obviously deceased body of an Amanto mercenary, its shape reverted back to its natural rubbery form after a precise stab through the heart.

"I knew it couldn't really be Otae-san," Kondo sighs wistfully. "She smiled at me. _Nicely._ And didn't even try to split my lip once. So I knew it had to be only a beautiful dream."

"Kondo-san, your shirt is untucked," Sogou points out with what could be innocence.

Kondo coughs a little, because apparently it had taken him a minute or two to realize he was actually awake and so it really couldn't have been _that_ kind of dream. "Yes, well, anyway," he says hastily, "what about you two? Did they come after you, also? Are you both okay?"

Sougo shrugs. "I figured out it wasn't Hijikata-san when he didn't duck in time."

"Yours looked like. . . Toshi?" Kondou echoes, looking from his own not-Otae, who had obviously strategically chosen the shape most appealing to the Shinsengumi commander, to Sougo, who looks predictably blasé, to Hijikata, who looks predictably outraged.

"And you killed it thinking it really was me?" Hijikata demands, because it still annoys him to have proof that yes, Sougo really means it when he's attempting to lop off parts of his body.

"Only because it ducked so slowly," Sougo explains casually, as if it's the fault of the _creature,_ that it died - which it sort of is, after all. "Still," Sougo adds, tipping his head thoughtfully, "it was pretty satisfying- until it turned into _that._"

He sighs disappointedly.

Kondou still has a mathematical look on his face as he slowly puts two and two together.

"What about you, Toshi?" he asks with careful nonchalance. "How did you find out?"

Hijikata hesitates for a split second. "It was when Sougo _didn't _immediately try to kill me," he says at last, deciding not to mention just what the not-Sougo had been trying – apparently in an attempt to get close to him - to do instead, and had made a certain amount of progress with before Hijikata realized that in no sane universe would things be that easy.

"Yours looked like Sougo," Kondo repeats, eyeing Hijikata a little strangely. Hijikata shifts uncomfortably. This is no time for Kondo to develop Insight.

Sougo, as always, is never one to bother noticing subtext. "Anyway, Kondo-san," he says cheerfully, in as fine a humor as only getting to legimately slice up Hijikata can put him in, "we should make sure there aren't anymore assassins on the premises."

Kondou nods an agreement to the suggestion, but Hijikata is very aware that the commander is still looking at him measuringly.

"Ah, Toshi . . ." Kondo says slowly, as Sougo practically skips out of the room, sword gleaming in readiness, ". . . why is your fly unzipped?"

Hijikata freezes. "No reason," he says, hastily remedying the situation.

'And did someone _bite_ you?" Kondo continues.

Hijikata slaps a hand over the offending mark above his collar bone. " . . . No," he says.

Unusually for Kondou, he seems not to accept this blatant lie at face value, as across the yard Sougo happily attempts to stab Yamazaki simply for uncharacteristically not carrying a badminton racket.

Kondou spares Sougo a glance, then returns to Hijikata, looking serious and ever-so-slightly overprotective. "Toshi, we may need to have a talk later," he states gravely.

"I didn't do anything! Nothing was done! They were doppelgangers!" Hijikata protests.

"Yes, yes, I understand," Kondo says soothingly.

"So don't go reading into anything. Not that there's anything to read into."

"Of course, of course."

Hijikata hesitates. Across the yard, Yamazaki is whimpering for mercy. "Okay, then," he says. "Just as long as that's clear."

"Very clear, Toshi," Kondo says comfortingly. "Now let's go rescue Yamazaki before we have to give him hazard pay again. You know it always looks bad when we have to list "Sougo" on the paperwork as "Reason for Injury"."

Hijikata relaxes minutely and nods, looking forward to being able to work on completely repressing anything and everything that might have happened during the last ten minutes.

"Oh, but Toshi?"

"Mm?"

Kondo's heavy, fatherly, hand falls on his shoulder. "We're still having that talk."

* * *

the end for now

_ . . .Yamazaki got away with only light flesh wounds this time . . ._

* * *

_Bobolac: Glad to give your morning a fluff start :)_

_Swirly: Well, Sougo probably got a buck back from paying for the ice cream. But then Kagura probably reached out and pocketed the change first. And then they got into one of those vicious cat fights that look like a giant dust ball with only the ice cream and an occasional kicking foot or biting face visible. THEN they ate the ice cream. _

_serenitatis417: Yeah, I like how it's difficult to tell with Sougo if he's innocent or indifferent. Or evil. Probably all three, really . . . ._

_grak-tensai: arg, I only got internet access again yesterday after a month, so now it's morally imperative I stay up all night catching up with Gintama eps!_

_Emiliana: "nothing quite compares with : " . . . .with what?! What a cliffhanger of a review :D_

_Niram: Yeah, in Gintama all the pairings are a kick :)_

_kifha: 3-Z, eh? . . I'll see if inspiration strikes . . . ._

_DarknessofHotaru: Lol, thanks for the LOLs :)_

* * *


	16. school days

**Disclaimer:** Gintama 3-Z is not mine, which is good because seriously, I would not want to try and teach those kids.

**Rating:** Teenish for the results of teenage hormones, poison, and Sougo.

**Warnings:** I know pretty much nothing about 3-Z, aside from the existence of the Student Discipline Committee. Is Takasugi even a student?? I've seen him as a teacher in some stories, but wow, disturbing idea.

**A/N:** . . . Can I take this opportunity to say that Bus Gamer just _rocks my socks_ and having watched it, D.Gray-man & Gintama all in one day, I am on such a Suzumura Kenichi high! With the added bonus that given the voice actors of B.G., it cracks me up to imagine Sougo glaring at Eiji while Atobe slouches and/or beats the crap out of people with a pipe . . . . ha! Uh, anyway, today you get 3-Z because Kondou had to go off and sharpen his sword in preparation for his chat with Toshi, but next up is The Talk :grin:

* * *

Life Ain't Easy When You're in 3-Z

_In which Katsura plots and Hijikata bewails being a teenage boy_

* * *

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and it's another day in class 3-Z. From the next classroom, they can faintly hear the teacher shouting about despair, but that would never happen in _this_ class. The teacher of _this_ class would never expend enough energy to be in despair. Instead, he just stands in a lab coat (as if this is all some bizarre experiment rather than a classroom) radiating near terminal boredom.

He's a weird teacher, Ginpachi-sensei is, but then it's a weird class. Kagura-chan is probably asleep behind those swirly glasses; Okita-kun obviously _is _asleep, head pillowed on his folded arms on the desk. Hijikata-kun is slouching, looking annoyed at the world in general; Kondou-kun sits straight up alertly, radiating a Lassie-like keenness and it's only a shame that he never understands a single thing any teacher says. And in the most shadowy corner of the room, Katsura-kun is plotting something.

Of all of them, Katsura-kun is the only one who had Ginpachi-sensei as a teacher back when the white-haired man was teaching at Jyoui Junior High. There are rumors about the mad, flashy tactics he used to employ in his lessons, until his name was whispered with awe up and down the hallways and the teacher's lounge was full of his exploits. He claims to have given all that up now, however, content to live a life so blasé that usually you would need heavy prescription meds to achieve it.

Katsura-kun remembers, though. Katsura-kun can't stop thinking about that radiant energy, that almost vicious zest for education. Katsura-kun wants it back.

So Katsura-kun is plotting . . . or rather, waiting to see for his latest plot bears fruit. He has, in an effort to snap Ginpachi-sensei back to his senses, loaded up the teacher's morning mug of strawberry milk with enough caffeine to kill a rhino. Surely, he thinks, that will be enough to bring back the old fire.

It is first period, and the class sits, or sleeps, or slouches, waiting for their teacher to amble into the room the customary two seconds before the bell. Ginpachi-sensei does, hands in his pockets, cigarette (lollipop) smoking aimlessly, sandals scuffing along the floor.

He stops at the podium and gives the class his customary once-over, looking half like he has never seen any of them before and is wondering what he's doing here, and half like he's spent the last hundred years teaching them and regards this as his own personal hell.

They stare back, looking about the same. Except for Kagura who's asleep and Sougo who is dreaming and Hijikata who is annoyed and Katsura who is plotting.

The bell rings. Ginpachi-sensei blinks slowly, looking resigned, and reaches for his morning milk. He sips it.

The class and Katsura wait, although for different reasons.

Ginpachi-sensei drinks some more. A strange look slides across his face. He drinks again. The look intensifies. An aura of something seems to start rumbling around him. His eyes begin to gleam. Although there is no wind in the classroom, somehow his hair seems to be blown about in a dramatic swirling gust of ki.

Katsura can feel it, the tingle in his veins of the teacher's primal energy, rearing its head once again. Even the other students shift in their seats, feeling the sudden difference.

Ginpachi-sensei leans forward, looking like a lion among educators – a warrior – a _demon_ –

"_YOSHI--!" he_ _bellows and_ - then it's over.

" . . . everyone open your books to page 27 please," he finishes in his normal indifferent voice. His power up is completely extinguished.

Katsura curses inwardly. Even this most powerful cocktail of caffeinated substances has failed in the face of his sensei's apathy. Also, he forgot his book today.

Damn.

* * *

The School Discipline Committee patrols during lunch. Some of the committee would rather _eat _during lunch, but the head of the squad is adamant. Bad Things Could Happen and so the committee must be read to Swing Into Action.

"What happens if we do find someone breaking the rules?" Sougo asks. He's wearing his against-school-dress code Superman t-shirt again, which means _he_ is in fact technically breaking the rules, but everyone politically ignores this fact.

"We stop them!" Kondou proclaims dramatically. "And then report it!"

"Hm." Sougo considers this. "Can we kill them?"

"Only if they're vampires," Kondou replies thoughtfully, because he's been staying up late watching reruns of Buffy.

"What about just using violence, then?" Sougo inquires in the tone of someone bargaining down.

Kondou gives him a reproving look. "Sougo, we're supposed to be setting an _example_ for the rest of the school."

"Mild violence?"

"It depends on the situation. Na, Toshi?"

Hijikata rolls his eyes. "Whatever," he says, because he tries not to encourage either Kondou _or_ Sougo.

"I think Katsura-kun is plotting something," Sougo remarks idly.

Hijikata sniffs. He doesn't like Katsura-kun. Their junior high schools were rivals and there is a past history of many brutal battles between them for control of the Kantou area sports records. Kondou secretly suspects, however, that Toshi is really just annoyed that their school rules hadn't allowed long hair while Katsura's had.

Of course, it could also be Katsura-kun's habit of blowing up the science lab every time they do experiments together.

* * *

Science class is getting quite complicated. After the disturbing incident with the laughing gas and Inappropriate Touching last semester, Katsura and Takasugi-kun are no longer allowed to team up. Likewise Kondou and Sougo usually pair up for safety reasons, due to Sougo's tendency to sneak ingredients into his pocket to spike Hijikata's lunch with. The girls keep to themselves, since the one time Sougo and Kagura-chan partnered the science lab suffered so much damage that class had to be canceled for a week. Yamazaki-kun gets out of science class because he's training for a badminton scholarship, and ultimately, Shinpachi-kun is pretty much the only one who can stop Kagura from taste-testing all of the ingredients (probably this is why her eyes are so bad). Takasugi is very carefully kept away from, if possible, . . . well, everyone.

Actually, Kondou feels kind of bad for their science teacher, who has pretty much given up teaching them anything and instead spends most of every class in the corner, whimpering and trying not to notice the explosions.

Sometimes he wonders if maybe _that_ has something to do with why Ginpachi-sensei is the only homeroom teacher in the school willing to teach them.

But knowing sensei, he probably just lost a bet or something.

* * *

"Why do you think Katsura-kun is plotting something?" Kondou asks Sougo.

Sougo shrugs. "He usually is. Also, I overheard him asking Takasugi-kun where he could buy amphetamines. I think he's stalking sensei."

"That would be a crime!" Kondou - who is still sporting bruises from the last time he tried to follow Tae-chan into the girl's locker room during gym - declares without a trace of irony.

"That would be _retarded_," Hijikata grumbles. He's feeling extra annoyed today.

Sougo just shrugs again, and Hijikata watches the material of his open black uniform jacket shift up and down.

Some days he notices Sougo. A lot. Maybe it's because they haven't had real kendo club practice for more than a week, thanks to Sougo putting their instructor in the hospital last Monday, but Hijikata's been feeling edgy, and the noticing is happening more and more often.

He doesn't like noticing Sougo; it annoys him.

The fact that, although he doesn't like noticing Sougo, at the same time he _does_, annoys him even more.

Somedays, Hijikata is completely fed up with being a teenager, and just wishes he could be grown up, with a real job like a, like a . . . postman or something . . . away from strange apathetic white-haired teachers and plotting classmates and Kondou's simplistic attitude and Sougo's, well, everything . . . .

On the other hand (since he's daydreaming and all) it wouldn't be so bad to be grown up and employed as something really cool, like a jet-setting international secret agent adored by one and all and far too busy with foiling plots and stopping terrorists, via dramatic fights culminating in kickass explosions, to be concerned with _anyone _connected to this school.

_Especially _Sougo, who's now arguing that breaking bones would surely come under the heading of "acceptable measures".

"Toshi, what do you think?" Kondou asks.

"Send them all to hell," Hijikata replies absently – and then gets sent to principal's office when a passing teacher hears him.

* * *

Sougo is waiting for him when Hijikata exits some time later, his ears still ringing from the dressing down Otose-kochou gave him. That woman knows how to _sneer._

"Kondou-san went over to the gym to ask Yamazaki-kun to investigate Katsura-kun," Sougo says in a satisfied tone. "Give me a ride home."

"Your house is in the opposite direction of mine," Hijikata growls.

"Then give me a ride to your house. Half my books are there, anyhow."

"Fine," Hijikata says grumpily, because he really wants Sougo to come over and that's annoying. Sougo grins at him and that's annoying, too. And the faint warmth of Sougou's back as he perches on the back of Hijikata's bicycle, facing away from Hijikata and gazing idly into the sky, is very _very _annoying indeed.

Trying to study in his room, Hijikata at his desk, Sougo sprawled on his bed and biting absently on the end of a pencil, is _dramatically_ annoying. The smug expression Sougo gives him when (as always) Hijikata finally reaches the end of his patience and leans over to kiss him, is annoying too, but not as annoying as other things.

The rest of the afternoon is the least annoying part of the day, until finally Sougo moves away because his sister is cooking dinner and he doesn't want to be late.

He lets Hijikata convince him that another ten minutes won't be a problem, though, and seems to appreciate the various ways in which a tongue and two hands can be put to use more obviously than normal. Maybe the lack of kendo is getting to him, too.

Hijikata bikes him to his house, like he always does even though it IS in the opposite direction as his, and Sougo even slightly smiles at him at the door. Hijikata is almost completely un-annoyed as he bikes home, until he gets back to his room and realizes that not only did Sougo pack up his textbooks, but he took Hijikata's as well, which means there's no way he can study for tomorrow's test.

He spends all of dinner weighing two hours of heavy petting against murderous rage at the sabotage of his school career, then gives up and goes to bed.

* * *

Hijikata's planning to be highly pissed the next morning when he bikes over to pick up Sougo, but instead he oversleeps because Sougo changed the hands of his clock last week and he keeps forgetting to change them back. The only positive part of this is that if Hijikata is late to school, then by default so is Sougo. Sougo rebukes him, though, as a thoughtless friend, and Hijikata is back to oh so highly annoyed. At least if they had kendo practice he would have an excuse to hit Sougo a lot.

They are biking madly toward the school when they see a familiar white lab coat and a tousled head of white hair. Ginpachi-sensei is wading around in the garbage bags piled high at the curb for morning pickup.

There is an awkward moment as they realize that their teacher is knee-deep in garbage. Also, said teacher has just seen them cutting class. On the other hand, they have just seen their _teacher _cutting class. In garbage.

"I lost 500 yen," he explains.

Sougo nods. "I lost my homework," he agrees, as if it's the same thing.

"Someone _took_ my homework," Hijikata reminds him irritably.

"Oh, that's right. I lost my homework _and_ Hijikata-kun's homework," Sougo corrects himself without the faintest hint of guilt.

"Okita-kun, in this year, you have lost more homework than I have lost 500 yen coins," Ginpachi-sensei points out, as if there's actually a meaning to that statement.

"That must be because there is more homework in the world than there are 500 yen coins," Sougo returns as if that's a logical conclusion to their sensei's illogical comment, and not for the first time, Hijikata reminds himself that everyone around him is insane.

"You can't buy anything with homework," Ginpachi says like a proverb, although its message is pretty much the opposite of what any teacher should be telling his students.

"In that case, please forgive me for losing mine," Sougo concludes cheerfully. "But Hijikata-kun is more responsible than me, so with him, you shouldn't be so lenient."

"Hm, yes," Ginpachi muses. "As soon as I get to school, Hijikata-kun, I'll have to mark you down for having no homework."

And down he dives into the bags in search of a glint of gold.

* * *

There's not much to do after that beside bike on.

"You don't look annoyed," Sougo comments, craning around on the bicycle to study Hijikata's face.

"Yes, I do," Hijikata corrects him through clenched teeth.

"More than normal, I mean," Sougo says.

"That's because you're always like this," Hijikata tells him, because a) it's true and b) it sounds a lot better than "that's because I'm completely distracted by the fact your arms are currently around my waist as we bike".

He can't _wait_ to be grown up so he can be jaded and world weary and not so horny that Sougo's mere existence can turn him on more than even seeing their teacher pawing through garbage can turn him off.

* * *

They get to school, tardy. Ginpachi-sensei arrives soon after.

Hijikata fails the test.

He's still planning to be pissed with the light-haired boy after class, but Sougo once again manages to distract him into making out in the stairwell to the roof. This makes Hijikata late for his next class and he misses a pop quiz and gets a nice round zero. He is annoyed.

"Yamazaki-kun says he saw Katsura-kun buying some kind of animal amphetamines at the vet," Kondou announces at lunchtime as they patrol by the students eating. "So he must have been worried about a sick cat or something, not sensei."

Sougo, who did well on the test and whose third period class didn't have a pop quiz, is whistling. When he feels Hijikata's special glare at the back of his neck, he turns and gives him a wide-eyed, completely unbelievable, look. Hijikata grits his teeth and really hopes that kendo practice starts again soon.

That afternoon when Ginpachi-sensei drinks his post-lunch milk, he starts to froth at the mouth, goes into spasms, and then collapses, eyes rolled up into his head. Hijikata silently curses him for not doing that in the morning when it could have postponed the test. Glancing over as Kondou and the other awake students rush to their distressed teacher's side, Hijikata notices that Katsura-kun looks distinctly disappointed.

Sougo, however, has only raised his head sleepily, peering at the chaos through one half-opened eye before cuddling back down into his folded arms. His uniform jacket is off and he's leaning forward onto the desk, which makes his against-dress-code shirt rise up above the black pants to show a slice of smooth back and, if one cranes to see, a hint of toned stomach.

Hijikata finds he is craning to see.

At this point, he realizes, probably not even kendo can save him.

* * *

Someone once explained about karma to Hijikata. He wonders dully what kind of horrible past life he had, to warrant this one. But no, surely it could never have been as bad as this.

So Hijikata sighs, and thinks about taking Sougo home after class, and figures oh well, there's always next life to look forward to.

end

* * *

_I have no idea how Katsura got animal amphetamines. Is there even a such _thing_ as animal amphetamines?!_


	17. confrontation

**Disclaimer: **N.O.T M.I.N.E

**Warnings:** Just the usual HijiOki implications and a smattering of violence-related talk.

**Author's Increasingly Random Notes**: Whew, got this out before Golden Week! Rock on to everyone who weighed in for Bus Gamer, the closing songs of which I was listening to compulsively as I wrote this chapter. And on a rather unrelated note, I just heart Kondou's paternal side.

* * *

The Talk

_In which, because Sougo does not actually appear in the main story, there is barely any mention of violence until the omake._

* * *

Kondou Isao sat in formal hakama and crested haori, hands resting on his knees in proper style, and regarded Hijikata solemnly. "Toshi," he said seriously, "it has come to my attention that your relationship with Sougo has been . . . evolving . . . of late."

"Evolving?" Hijikata asked suspiciously. Squad gossip was always dangerous, especially once Yamazaki got a little juiced up, but he couldn't think of any particular rumor going around involving Sougo other than the one about the pickle and Kondou probably wouldn't understand _that. _

"I was told that you were frantic the other day when he got knocked out."

Hijikata shifted uncomfortably. Oh, that.

"Frantic is a little extreme," he muttered with a certain embarrassment.

Okay, maybe there had been slightly more shaking of Sougo's unconscious body and screaming of his name that had been strictly necessary, but it was hardly _frantic._ And running halfway across Edo to the doctor (just because he had been a little distracted and had forgotten about the police cars didn't mean there was franticism) wasn't _that_ out of the ordinary. Sougo had suddenly collapsed (heat stroke, the doctor said). Sougo _never_ collapsed. So he had been worried. That was natural enough. It wasn't like he had been inexplicably gut-wrenchingly terrified to the point of nearly incapacitated gibbering. Or anything.

Kondou sighed. "Toshi, I'm going to ask you this and I'd like a truthful answer. Do you have feelings toward Sougo?"

"Of course I do!"

"Positive feelings," Kondou clarified.

"Oh." That was more difficult to answer. Did a growing desire to beat his head against a wall whenever he was alone with the light-haired captain count as positive? It might, considering that before it had always been _Sougo's_ head he wanted to beat in.

" . . . Maybe," he conceded cautiously.

"Toshi," Kondou said gently, "Sougo is inexperienced with emotions. And as someone who cares very deeply for him, I get worried. Also, I feel I owe it to Mitsuba-dono to make sure Sougo makes a good decision in this kind of life choice."

Hijikata still wasn't sure Kondou wasn't completely jumping the gun here, but: "You mean you wouldn't want to date me?" Hijikata demanded, feeling vaguely affronted.

Kondou shuddered. "God, no," he said frankly. "There's no one I'd rather have at my back in a fight, but love is a completely different matter. You're brusque, insensitive, ruthless, arrogant, snide, bloodthirsty, condescending, frequently blood-stained, you smoke too much and honestly you can be generally scary as hell. However, aside from the smoking, Sougo is pretty much that way too, so I may be able to overlook those particular traits in this case."

Hijikata wasn't sure if he should be grateful or pissed off, but Kondou was looking at him expectantly, so he settled for muttering a vague, "Thank you."

"Of course. Now," Kondou settled back on his haunches, "do you have a steady job?"

Hijikata blinked. "I . . . work for you," he said slowly.

Kondou nodded thoughtfully. "Which means the advantage of a steady paycheck, but the drawback of possible violent death on a daily basis," he mused. "Although half of that's Sougo's fault. Any known hereditary ailments?"

"What? I don't think so."

"Any STDs or other transmittable diseases?"

"NO!"

"Any connections with the underworld of crime?"

"I . . . arrest them."

"That's acceptable. Any connections with the ruling classes?"

"I sometimes arrest them, too. They pretty much hate me."

"How about family?"

"Hate me."

"Hm. Well, I can vouch for you, at least. Now as for Sougo, will you shower him with love and affection and buy him chocolates every day?"

Hijikata didn't even have to stop and think. "Hell no."

Kondou nodded approvingly. "Good, he'd hate that. Will you at least stop being so mean to him?"

"When am I mean to him?" Hijikata demanded, because it wasn't as if _he_ was trying to blow holes in various parts of Sougo's anatomy with a rocket launcher on a near daily basis.

"You sneer a lot," Kondou pointed out.

"I do not!"

"Yes, you do."

"Doesn't he sneer too?!"

"Yes, but you're better at sneering than Sougo is, so you always win and it makes him sad."

"No, it doesn't."

"Yes, it does, and if you don't agree with me I won't let you get within five feet of him."

Hijikata gritted his teeth. "Fine, I won't do it . . . _as often_."

Apparently that was close enough, because Kondou beamed like Hijikata had just won the lottery instead of, apparently, Okita. "In that case, congratulations! You have my permission to court Sougo. And if everything goes well, in a month or two – or three – I will allow you to try a kiss."

"_Court_ Soug—wait, _months_?"

Kondou nodded firmly. "This is no laughing matter. I can assure you I will be just as strict with any of my future children. We don't want emotional wounds to be inflicted just because someone can't keep it in his pants, now do we?" he added meaningfully with a dark look. "Of course I ask this as a friend rather than as your commander who can order you to commit seppuku for _any reason he sees fit. _But . . ._do _we?"

"No . . . sir," Hijikata muttered.

"After all," Kondou continued gravely, "even in this day and age, this sort of relationship will be difficult."

"Because Sougo's a sadist?"

"Well, yes, a little, but that's not what I meant. In this case, everything will be new to Sougo, so the burden is on you, Toshi, as the mature and responsible one. After all, this kind of relationship doesn't just involve trying not to be maimed by Sougo. It will - at some point - far in the future - require delicate bodily contact such as embracing him, or kissing him, or massaging him or blo--"

"OK! I get it" Hijikata interrupted hastily before he could hear something he would deeply regret. After all, he hadn't even exactly decided that he _wanted _to do that sort of thing with Sougo yet, and hearing it come out of Kondou's mouth was just . . . . highly disturbing.

Kondou chuckled warmly, apparently misinterpreting Hijikata's creeped out expression as a sense of shouldering his deep responsibility to usher Sougo firmly but gently into the realms of manhood. "Don't worry, Toshi, you still have months and months and _months_ before you have to worry about any of _that_, and in the meantime I've had Yamazaki collect reference material to aid in your study and preparation."

" . . . _Reference _material?" Hijikata tried very hard not to imagine what kind of reference material about this particular subject would be lying in wait for him. And did that mean _Yamazak__i, _Yamazaki, who despite being a spy was the worst person in the entire Shinsengumi at keeping a secret, also thought he was planning to . . . do whatever . . . it was he might possibly, conceivably, not be adverse to - maybe - doing with Sougo. . . ?

Hijikata's head sank down heavily to slap into his hand. From amid the buzzing of his head, he heard Kondou ask in a concerned voice, "Toshi, is something wrong?"

"N-no."

"Excellent. Now, there are a few other rules before you get started . . . ." Kondou said brightly, reaching into his sleeve and pulling out a thick role of paper, which he unrolled with a flourish. The list fell to the ground and bounced once or twice.

"Item: " he began, "curfew for dates to be kept at no later than twenty minutes past the setting of the sun. Item: minimum distance kept between bodies at all times during movies to be no less than ten cm_._ Item: alcohol consumed at romantic candlelit dinners (see above curfew stipulations) to be limited to not more than one glass per night, dependent on legal age. Item: prohibitation of romantically suggestive gifts such as massage oils, bubble bath etc (further prohibited items listed separately) until such time as the approved timetable (see attachment) dictates. Item: No physical contact to last beyond ten seconds until the approved timetable (see attachment) dictates, _unless_ said contact is required for protection of your life. Item: cosplay is not to be mentioned, cross-dressing is not to be mentioned, leather goods of any kind are not to be mentioned. Item: any and all lingering looks are to be limited to not more than five seconds. Item: if you make Sougo cry I will have to kill you. Item: . . . . . "

Hijikata sighed and wondered what he was getting himself into.

* * *

_Omake One: _

Sougo looked up from cleaning his sword and smiled as Kondou entered the room and sat down cautiously in front of him.

"Kondou-san! Your note said you wanted to talk to me?"

"Y-es. Sougo," Kondou began slowly, not wanting to make the younger man either defensive or violent, "I'm not sure you're aware of it, but it seems to me that perhaps your relationship with Toshi has been changing lately . . . ." He trailed off in surprise as the young captain sighed and came as close to blushing as Okita Sougo could.

"It's that obvious?"

"Well, when you stopped aiming for his vital parts and started just attacking his extremities . . . that was a pretty big hint," Kondou admitted sympathetically.

"How embarrassing . . . ." Sougo looked away, running a hand through his hair self-consciously.

"So then, you _do_ like him?" Kondou asked to clarify, because you could never be sure with Sougo if you were both really talking about the same thing.

Sougo sent him a quick, sideways glance. "Does that mean I have to stop trying to dismember him?"

"That's up to the two of you," Kondo replied truthfully. "Although maybe you could try not doing it quite often . . . ?"

"Then I guess at least I'd have the element of surprise on my side again . . . ." Sougo agreed thoughtfully, looking happier. "Because Kondou-san, I really don't think Hijikata-san would like it if I started being unnecessarily nice to him."

Strangely, Kondou could see the (twisted) logic in that, because Toshi was nothing if not a machocist – or why else would he be in the Shinsengumi?

"A relationship doesn't mean you have to change _every_ thing about the way you interact," he said gently, although privately he was kind of hoping it would change a _few_ of the more expensive, city property-destroying things. "It's just that . . . somewhere down the line – far _far_ down the line - things may get . . . physical. You know," Kondou hinted, blushing a little, "_closer_ between you two."

Sougo's confused expression cleared. "Ah, that. Don't worry, Kondou-san, I'm ready for _that_," he said confidently. "Look—"

Kondou's eyes widened as Sougo whipped out a box containing coils of rope, thick waxy candles and iron nails. "Um, not _that_ kind of physical," he corrected weakly.

Sougo looked disappointed. "But I've been practicing on the terrorists we catch!"

"No, it's . . . it's not really the same thing . . . ." Kondou managed.

Sougo was close to pouting. "So . . . no torture?"

"Sougo, the Shinsengumi _needs _Toshi."

"What about just the rope?"

"Well, not unless you ask him first and he says yes."

"Hai, I understand!"

Maybe, Kondou thought as Sougo brightened and began to test the tensile strength of the rope, it really was Toshi after all whom he should be worried about in this relationship.

* * *

_Omake 2_

"Yamazaki," Kondou said gravely, "it has come to my attention that lately your feelings toward your badminton racket have been, shall we say, in _flux_—"

Yamazaki's eyes widened and he clutched his racket protectively. "It's not like that, Kyokuchou!" he protested. "The rumor that I was infatuated with a newer model was all a lie! There will _never_ be any racket in my life other than Ko-Hana-chan! Look, we even have matching grip-tape rings!"

Kondou blinked dumbly at the ring of grip tape on Yamazaki's passionately shaking finger.

"Uh, okay then," he said finally. "Never mind."

End

* * *

_And we can only hope that Hijikata and Sougo will follow Yamazaki's positive relationship model. But I have a feeling they will be closer to Kondou & Otae's perverse and violence-ridden style instead. If the contents of Sougo's box were unfamiliar to you, then you haven't been reading your Shinsengumi history._

_THANK YOU ALL REVIEWERS!! :D I'm sure Hijikata-kun is nearly as pleased with the stairwell/after school making out as all of you were, especially considering he hasn't gotten any action in these stories since like chapter 2._

s_erenitatis417: _

_Yamazaki: "Mada mada da ne, Hijikata-fukuchou."_

_Hijikata: :STABS HIM:_

_Emiliana: I'll never complain about long reviews :D Yeah, there's a nice little HijiOki moment coming up in the Itou arc . . . although when I say nice I mean brilliantly typical . . . . and Minekura-sensei is just WOW._

_Yamazaki-Rei: Hope The Talk lived up to your expectations (fears). Kondou kept getting weirder thanks to your comments. _

_Bobolac: Beleagured Hijikata of any age is so much fun._

_Niram: Yes, the trials of teenagerhood. Not that, in Hijikata's case, being an adult is really much better. _


	18. tests

DISCLAIMER: I generally disclaim.

WARNINGS: Nothing you wouldn't be expecting in HijiOki stories. Also, holy crap this story became annoyingly long. Xo

TIMELINE: Sort of follows _The Talk._

AUTHOR'S RANDOM NOTES: Hi! So I went to Mibu Temple recently (WOOT!) and right next to Kondou Isami's grave was memento from a visitor and on it was a very nice drawing of . . . Elizabeth. Holding a sign that said "I love Okita." Now THERE'S a crack pairing for ya! Also glee-worthy was KFC's statue of the Colonel dressed in full Shinsengumi regalia (Chicken Soku Zan!).

But on another note, OMG!! Over 100 reviews. WHOA. That's seriously cool.

* * *

Learning the Ropes

* * *

_In which, despite the title of this series of one-shots, the M-word is mentioned for the first time ever._

* * *

In the grand scheme of mankind and the history of ages, there have always been things that seemed like good ideas at the time (like Sougo and the rocket launcher). And then there are the things that might seem like bad ideas but end up turning out all right (Kondou is still fervently sure this category includes the lovely Otae-san). Then there are the things that happened most of the time, the things that you just know are going to be at least as bad as you expect them to be.

How to Strengthen Trust Through Teamwork and Mutual Respect of Comrades, Kondou was afraid, was _palpably _one of those absolutely irredeemable ones.

Not that strengthening teamwork and camaraderie was in and of itself a bad concept. Far from it! The Shinsengumi relied on each other to watch their backs as they fought on the streets and waged stalwart war against the Forces of Evil. They had to be able to trust each other, and they had to be able to work together. If they could do these two things without causing each other serious emotional or bodily harm, all the better.

However, if Kondou Isao had learned anything in his life (other than the fact that some women inexplicably did not like to be serenaded from telephone poles in the middle of the afternoon) it was that when dealing with men of honor, strength, and very short, skewed tempers, there were certain things you did not try to do. You did not try to skimp on the condiments while shopping, you did not try to change the channel during Lady's Four. . . . .

And you certainly did not ask Hijikata Toshirou and Okita Sougo to demonstrate _public cooperation. _

This of course had always been true, but even more so now that they were cautiously, almost sullenly, embarking on a new facet of their relationship wherein at some point they both _knew_ they would have to be seen being pleasant to each other. It certainly hadn't happened yet - the somewhat admitted mutual attraction seeming to have created an initial backlash of spectacular dislike, wherein they reverted to the emotional state of four-year-olds fearful of cooties - but the _someday_ still lurked in the future and consequently was apparently making them very very upset.

Or maybe that was because of the timetable.

Or the rampant rumors about the Shinsengumi that were currently energetically circulating the city after all squads had been deployed to search the city's doujin stores in order to bring back "research material" for Toshi.

Or the fact that Toshi's room was still half-filled with said material because he _claimed _he couldn't figure out any way to get rid of two tons of boylove that didn't involve intense personal and professional embarrassment.

Or it could have been the fact that, in order to subtly promote the idea that love did not necessarily equal physical violence, Kondou had ordered Sougo to read a somewhat _different_ selection of material. He had honestly never seen Sougo so traumatized as after being forced into close proximity of Shoujo manga for eight hours.

Or maybe it was just the fact that they had figured out Kondou was having Yamazaki secretly carry around a camera in order to catch, when it finally happened, that unique, almost considered impossible, first moment of pleasantness.

. . . . And make _damn _sure that moment didn't mess with the timetable.

For the moment, however, the timetable seemed in no danger. In fact, they were already several weeks _behind_ even the extremely puritan – but completely justified and well thought out - schedule Kondou had devised. And given that said schedule started out week one with "standing in the same room without kicking each other" . . . . Yes, they were definitely regressing.

It wasn't as if they _couldn't_ cooperate with each other after all. Kondou had time and again seen the two officers work seamlessly together in the middle of fights, when everyone who saw them would probably end up dead or arrested, or at least intimidated enough that they would never mention it again. The current situation, however, was completely different. In fact, being as it combined orders, each other, and cliché, three things neither Toshi nor Sougo responded particularly well to, Kondou was just gritting his teeth and waiting for the carnage.

Hopefully it would just be collateral damage. Flesh wounds at worst.

. . . he was safe up in this observational room, right? Surely the glass up here was bullet-proof and reinforced . . . . .

The orders in question were from some bureaucratic who had evidently decided that all government-funded groups should be forced to pass certain "quality control" tests. Oddly enough, sheer bloody-mindedness and ability to keep standing after being impressively pummeled were not among the tests. Neither was the ability to look really cool while fighting, or being able to slice absurdly large objects in two. As far as Kondou was concerned, _those _were the kind of qualities he liked to see in his employees.

But of course the trust thing was good, too. Of course it was. Kondou had no illusions about what kept the Shinsengumi together. Trust was _vital. _

It was just . . . .

Mentally shaking his head, Kondou looked through the picture window of the observation room and watched his most trusted men; his comrades; his family. Right now Toshi had his "I knew the world was stupid but this is a new low" face and Sougo was in "pause" mode, looking more bored than lethal, which always worried Kondou because Sougo never did well with too much time to think.

Oh yeah. He trusted them entirely. And that's why he knew.

This was gonna be _so_ bad.

* * *

It _is_ a somewhat cliché situation –

As per the parameters of the test, Hijikata and Sougo are each clinging to one half of a very long rope which runs up over a pulley hanging down from the ceiling. Next to the pulley there is a pretty golden ring: the target. The obvious solution to enable the retrieval of the ring without one man falling as the other climbed up, is for each person to climb up their respective ropes at exactly the same time and, due to the weight difference, it would be even easier if the two partners walk themselves up feet to feet. Either strategy obviously requires working together in mutual trust and respect.

Which is _so_ not going to happen.

Standing next to an expressionless and yet somehow frowning Matsudaira (who has come down to watch officers' tests and has rather conspicuously not failed to bring his gun) Kondou watches the captain and vice-commander swinging from ropes on either side of a pulley and silently counts down.

"Now," says the government-appointed test reviewer through the microphone, "imagine the ground is full of vitriolic acid and any false move could plummet your partner to a most gruesome and agonizing dea–"

He cuts off abruptly because there is a whizzing sound of uncoiling rope and Hijikata has collided with the ground. Sougo, sword out, neatly grabs the severed end of Hijikata's rope with his free hand as his fukuchou/thereotical boyfriend plummets, and legs wrapped around the longer rope for stability, balances between the two in the air and watches Hijikata pick himself up from the undignified heap in which he landed.

"Dammit, Sougo!" the dark-haired vice-commander yells from the floor and immediately grabs onto the trailing end of Sougo's side of the rope and pulls hard enough to send the captain rising, hard, head first into the pulley.

"Uh, the test hasn't started yet, right?" Kondou asks nervously as Hijikata continues to fume and yank on the rope so that it pulls Sougo repeatedly into the pulley with a somewhat humorous boinking noise.

The reviewer just gapes, too astounded to even answer the question.

Meanwhile Sougo collides again, then retaliates by cutting the rest of the rope so that Hijikata has to dive out of the way as it drops toward him in heavy coils. This also necessitates that Sougou grab ahold of the ring on the ceiling, to keep from following the rope down. But then a well-thrown boot suddenly collides with his face, knocking loose the ring, and he topples.

And lands with both heels on Hijikata's face.

Predictably, things go downhill from there.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the reviewer freezes the screen on the image of Hijikata trying to stretch Sougo's mouth into twice its normal shape while Sougo pulls at his hair.

(Somehow, Kondou figures it has to do with the fact that, although grown men, they seem to be picking up their crushes at the starting point of preschoolers. Or maybe it's just that they have always expressed affection – although also hatred, and indifference, and boredom and . . . everything really – with mayhem.)

There is a long silence, expectant on the side of the commanding officers, and surly on the side of the commanded ones.

"Hijikata-san shouldn't have been able to fight back, since he had already been eaten by acid," Sougo mentions petulantly to no one in particular.

"If I had been eaten by acid you wouldn't have been able to land on me," Hijikata argues grumpily.

"I could if your corpse was floating."

"Moron, my corpse couldn't be floating if it was _eaten_."

"They never said how fast it would be eaten. You could be floating in torment for a long time." Sougo brightens a little at the mental image.

"Even still, your ankles would definitely be burned off."

They continue to discuss the relative buoyancy of Hijikata's potential corpse in undertones as the test reviewer turns to drill Kondou and Matsudaira with a disapproving gaze, as if they are responsible for the lackluster performance of their men.

(Which, Kondou privately admits, technically they sort of are. But really, it's a bit harsh to blame either Sougo or Hijikata on any mere human. It's like assigning culpability for amazingly dangerous calamities of nature. Really, for some things only huge vague concepts like Fate or The Powers That Be should be held fully responsible. . . . )

"As you can see," the reviewer says in a clipped, somewhat scandalized voice, tapping the screen and then gesturing to the still bickering swordsmen, "their teamwork is beyond atrocious, and trustworthiness, selflessness or even the most basic milk of human compassion is little to none."

Kondou sort of wants to argue this point but . . . it's actually sort of true. So he keeps his mouth shut.

Once more, the reviewer, Kondou, and Matsudara silently regard the two pillars of the Shinsengumi. Hijikata has a bruise from a kick in the face and Sougo has a bandage over his palm from a bite. They return the accusing gazes sullenly.

"Kondo-san," Sougo addresses the only one of the people in the room he will voluntarily talk to, "I don't see what was so bad about it. We didn't l_ose_. We got the ring down."

"But you also maimed each other in the process," the reviewer says, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

Sougo looks blank. "You never said we couldn't," he points out.

"It's an exercise in _partnership_," the reviewer emphasizes incredulously. "Not maiming each other should be _obvious_."

Sougo looks at Hijikata. "Was that obvious?"

Hijikata shrugs. "Che, don't ask me," he says disinterestedly.

The reviewer takes a deep breath. "The Shinsengumi is a high-stress job where every day one's life is in the hands of one's comrades-_Okita-kun, please stop kicking Hijikata-kun's chair-_and so your superiors –_Hijikata-kun, __if you don't stop trying to stab Okita-kun I'll have to confiscate your sword __-_ and so your superiors felt it prudent to orchestrate a reminder of how important teamwork is. That's why all members of the Shinsengumi came here today for evaluation."

Both Hijikata and Sougo turn to stare accusingly at Kondo, who waves his hands in front of his face, silently disavowing all conspiracy to orchestrate or remind _anything,_ and instead points as fervently and yet silently as possible at the back of Matsudaira's head.

They subside, returning to sullen. Really, they would be so cute if they weren't about to get themselves fired.

The reviewer sighs. "Let's go on to the second part. Please answer these questions," he says. "First, Okita-kun. What does it mean to you when I say 'Win the game'?"

"Beat Hijikata-san," Sougo says promptly.

The reviewer twitches. "All right. What about 'Capture the enemies?'"

Sougo considers. "Capture the enemies . . . and beat Hijikata-san."

"'Eat dinner'?"

"Eat dinner . . . better than Hijikata-san."

The reviewer twitches again.

"Oi, how can you eat dinner _better_ than someone?" Hijikata objects irritably, because he is completely immune to the death threats by now.

"Hijikata-san is disgusting when he eats," Sougo says fastidiously.

"I am not!"

"It makes me sick. It makes Kondou-san sick, too. Ne, Kondou-san?" Sougo looks over at their commander for confirmation.

"I . . . just don't look anymore," Kondou admits.

"This old man would kill anyone who ate like that and tried to get close to my daughter," Matsudaira agrees with a significant twitch of his gun hand.

"Since when was I trying to get close to your daughter?" Hijikata snaps. It's almost imperceptible, but just for a split second, Sougo looks like he also wants to know that answer.

Awwwwwwwwww, thinks Kondou happily, riding the moe.

Unperturbed by the subtle spikes in UST, Matsudaira narrows his eyes behind the sunglasses. "She cuts out all the newspaper articles mentioning you," he accuses.

"Ah, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything," Kondou feels he should interject diplomatically. "I mean, Sougo does that, too!"

Hijikata stares over at Sougo, maybe a trifle uncertain what to make of that. However, this is firmly pre-Next Step behavior, so Sougou nods without a hint of embarrassment. "I have hair and nail clippings, too," the captain adds.

Hijikata AND the reviewer twitch this time. "That's for voodoo, you freak!" Hijikata sputters, "not fangirling!"

Sougo shrugs. "Sometimes I just sell them when you dock my pay. Intimate articles go for an especially good price."

Hijikata suddenly frowns as he mentally catalogues how many pairs of boxers he's blamed Yamazaki for mislaying in the wash in the last months.

"Fangirling?" Matsudaira is frowning for an entirely different, not particularly underwear-related, reason. "Are you saying my lovely, pure, flower of a daughter is fangirling you? Is that the kind of crude thing any father wants to hear, after he sweats his life away every day to provide for his family? Does this old man need to demonstrate his deeply wounded reaction to your implication?"

Kondo laughs forcefully as Matsudaira's hand creeps down toward his gun and Hijikata attempts to climb over his chair to strangle Sougo. "Ha! Ha! Reviewer-san! Why don't you continue the test! Ha!" he suggests meaningfully.

"Uh . . . . Right. Okay, Hijikata-kun," the reviewer blinks, looking a bit glazed, "why don't you try to answer. 'Win the game'."

Settling back in his chair, Hijikata gives the man a level look that's somewhere between I-will-kill-you-in-your-sleep and long-suffering. "Remember that after winning, Sougo will try to kill me," he answers nonchalantly.

The reviewer twitches yet again, while Sougo just looks modest.

"'Capture the enemy'?"

"Remember that after capturing the enemy, Sougo will try to kill me."

" . . . eat dinner?"

Hijikata smiles a little. "Mayonnaise," he says lovingly.

There is a slight pause while the reviewer looks like he's considering finding a new job. "The correct answers," he says finally, "were "We can win together", "Help my partner capture the enemies", and "Is my partner hungry, too?"

"But the questions were a big unclear," Kondou objects weakly.

"Everyone else answered them correctly," the reviewer replies sternly.

"Really?" Kondou's secretly impressed, because as much as he adores his men, even he has to admit they're all somewhat to completely insane.

"Well, one participant talked a lot about badminton, but even he managed to understand the _concept_ of teamwork.," the reviewer says pointedly

"I understand teamwork!" Hijikata snaps. "What's wrong with knowing that one of your teammates is trying to kill you?"

The reviewer blinks, caught off guard. "Well, uh . . . ."

"And what's wrong," Sougo jumps on the bandwagon, "with trying to incinerate or dismember one of your teammates at least once a day? Wait," he adds thoughtfully, "that does sound sort of bad when you put it that way."

"Of course it's bad, moron!" Hijikata growls. "I'm not the reason we failed this stupid test! My partner was the one _who dropped me into acid_!"

"If you were a good partner, you would have expected me to do something like that," Sougo returns loftily, as if it is obvious that greater and deeper mutual understanding would inevitably lead to greater and deeper mutual suspicion.

Kondo can tell this isn't going well. Also, once again he's beginning to fear for Toshi's safety in this new and precarious Next Step. Maybe he should try again with the shoujo. Sougo would have to get tired of setting fire to it sooner or later . . . .

But then again, the way things are going, they're going to be discharged before they can fully even _get_ to the true next step.

"Ha, ha, well, at any rate, I'm sure there were lots of groups who needed to work on things," Kondo says desperately to Matsudaira.

"Is that true?" Matsudaira asks.

The reviewer looks a little gleefully malicious as he answers: "No, everyone else passed."

Sougo turns to Kondo. "Kondo-san, I'm bored. Can we go?"

"Everyone _else_ passed," the reviewer repeats. "Given the extremely _easy_ nature of this review, only persons who are _deeply emotionally stunted_, not to mention completely _devoid_ of any whisper of _basic humanity_, could not pass. In fact, most _criminals_ could pass. In my professional opinion, anyone who can _not_ pass would pose a substantial danger to the populace at large if they were trusted in any official capacity."

Hijikata and Sougo look at each other, expressions a bit like they're not sure they can really argue with the prognosis. Kondou's fists clench at his side in silent worry about his friends.

Matsudaira sighs.

"Is that so?" he says heavily.

Expression never changing, the gray-haired commander pulls out his gun again and begins to line up the sights. "Well, this old man knew this day would happen sooner or later," he intones blandly, squinting down the gun barrel, "but he never expected it to happen like this."

"P-please wait a minute!' Kondou cries as Matsudaira eases back on the trigger. " . . . W-why are you aiming at ME?"

"A commander is responsible for the actions of his men," Matsudaira explains tonelessly. "A commander who can't install the basic conception of teamwork in his team, is a worthless scrap of garbage and should be taken out before he infects Edo with his taint--"

He stops there, possibly because he's run out of breath, or the extended metaphor, or possibly due to the twin blades now resting against each side of his neck. Proof that Hijikata Toshirou and Okita Sougo can indeed move very fast when they want to.

"My, my, what's this," the white-haired man says, looking barely annoyed, let alone worried about the very sharp metal next to his skin. "It's the fault of you two that we're in this situation. Acting like this won't make anything better."

"If it's our fault, then we'll take responsibility for it," Hijikata says darkly, his katana glinting sleekly in the room's harsh light. "No one can help the way another man is born, can they?"

"It's not nice to blame poor Kondou-san for our warped personalitites," Sougo agrees, eyes sheening just a little abnormally blood-red.

"It's not as if he likes it any better than you do-"

"-because he's a much better guy than we are –"

"-so it's no use taking it out on him." Hijikata leans closer to Matsudaira. "Put it this way," he purrs, "just think of we would have been like without his influence?"

"Toshi . . .Sougo . . . " Kondo's eyes are teary, while even Masudaira looks a little disturbed at the mental picture conjured up by Hijikata's hypothesis.

Sougo nods firmly, although his blade doesn't waver. He could probably tap dance and it wouldn't. "That's right. So if you want to brutally murder anyone, kill Hijikata-san instead. He deserves it--"

"Almost as much as Sougo," Hijikata completes, not missing a beat.

"Gentlemen," Matsudaira sighs. "This isn't helping anything."

"Actually, sir . . . I might have to disagree!" the reviewer suddenly cuts in, looking almost happy for the first time since the test began. 'While I should mention in passing that our company has a no execution on the premises policy, and to proceed with your planned course of action will invoke a substantial fee, the more pertinent point at the moment is that just now, these two acted in perfect harmony. Whether or not deciding to create a substandard Mexican standoff is morally sound in this sort of situation, there's no denying that they demonstrated _ex_cellent teamwork."

Kondou brightens hopefully, while Hijikata and Sougo scowl at each other with a "we've been tricked" air. "Oh, so you mean they pass!"

"Absolutely not." The reviewer shakes his head decisively and Matsudaira goes back to sighting down the barrel of the gun.

"But," the reviewer adds, "I do think they have earned the right for another chance. Say, in two days, this same test."

It's obvious what the two officers in question think about this marvelous second chance, but Kondou gets to the answer before they do. "They agree! Thank you!" he says quickly. "Very much!"

With a shrug, as if either way is the same to him, Matsudaira holsters the gun. Breathing much easier, Kondou gives his men a meaningful look and they lower their swords as well.

"Well, now!" The reviewer rubs his hands briskly. "As for facilitating your progress. There are some traditional methods of helping along camaraderie," he says brightly. "For example . . . " walking to the desk at one end of the room, he opens a drawers and withdraws a pair of handcuffs. " . . . forcing the two to go through daily life needing to work in close contact and harmony."

The handcuffs gleam gently in the light of the room.

Matsudaira looks at Hijikata and Sougo. Kondou looks at Hijikata and Sougo. Hijikata looks at Sougo. Sougo looks at Hijikata.

"As soon as he gets impatient he'll slice my arm off," Hijikata says.

"At night he'll roll over on me and he's heavy,' Sougo complains.

There was a pause. "Yeah . . . that's not going to work," admits Kondou.

(Not to mention it would be violating the terms of the timetable by _quite_ a number of months.)

"That was an image this old man didn't need to have," sighs Matsudaira.

" . . . .in that case," the reviewer amends hastily, "you are both put on suspension pending a second test. If you can sufficiently improve your teamwork in two days' time, you have the chance to pass this simple exercise that even criminal maniacs can pass."

"If that's true, what's the point of this test?" Hijikata wonders.

"Whatever! We just want you to pass very very much!" Kondou states firmly, trying not to whimper. "So that you can be back on the streets protecting Edo like always."

"And this old man won't have to incur a penalty fee for executing your commander," Matsudaira adds.

"If you don't do it on the premises, you won't have to pay," Sougo says reasonably. Or, given the subject of his comment, completely without reason.

"Ah, this old man hadn't thought of that," Matsudaira muses.

"S-sougo," Kondou quavers.

"Don't worry, Kondo-san, whatever my personal feelings about this guy may be, I won't let him stand in the way of your safety," Sougo says loyally, jerking a thumb at the guy in question, who scowls and gives him the finger.

Kondou ponders all the times that Sougo has put aside his personal feelings to accomplish something and can't think of even one instance.

Oh, he has a very bad feeling about this.

* * *

"It's so stupid," Hijikata complains later that afternoon, staring at the mock rope and pulley test Yamazaki has set up in one of the practice halls. "I mean, when are we ever going to need to do something like this?"

"Well, last month –" Sougo points out thoughtfully. "But there were sharks under that one _and_ we were hanging with our hands tied together."

Hijikata glowers at the reminder; Kondou had been fighting elsewhere at the time, but rumor has it that the process of escaping that tricky situation entailed a lot of close personal contact mostly summed up by repeated 'accidental' knees to the groin.

"That's my point," Hijikata points out now with iron restraint. "When is it going to happen _again_? We've _done_ that."

"And more creatively," Sougo adds.

"'Let me push off of your stomach and swing over to the control platform I promise I won't kick you below the belt – whoops' _isn't_ being creative, it's sadism!" Hijikata snaps.

"I keep telling you those were all accidents."

"And I keep _completely failing_ to believe you."

Kondou feels it is time to steer the conversation back to the here and now, especially since Sougo looks fully prepared to re-enact the situation for clarification purposes.

"Now remember, Toshi, Sougo, my life depends on you two being able to get along long enough to get the ring at the top of the ceiling," Kondou says pleadingly.

"Don't worry, Kondou-san," Sougo says solemnly expression softening now that he's not looking at his supposed boyfriend. "I won't let anything happen to you. Even if it means working with this guy."

"I should be saying that," Hijikata growls.

"No, I should."

"No _I _sho_– _Teme! That almost cut me! You said you would stop doing that, dammit!"

"I don't remember saying that."

"Kondou-san said you said you would!"

"Well, Kondou-san said _you _would try to jump me the first chance you got."

"Moron, I haven't _had _any chances! I mean – no - what? Are you stupid? I should kill you and put you out of your misery!"

"No, I should kill you."

"No, I should kill _you."_

"No, I should – Kondou-san, what is it? Is there something wrong?"

"T-toshi . . . Sougo . . . I'm going to be _executed_ . . . . " Kondou whimpers plaintively.

The two officers quickly square their shoulders and sheathe their swords, instantly back to looking grim and determined.

"Ok," says Hijikata, glaring at the gently swinging ends of rope, "let's do this."

"Right," Sougo says.

Thirty seconds later, they are rolling around on the ground, pulling hair and attempting to gnaw on each other.

"Ah, Otae-san," Kondou sighs mournfully, "I'm sorry I won't be able to grow old with you."

* * *

It is two days later when, looking grim, resolute, and slightly tattered, Hijikata and Sougo arrive back at the testing facilitity, with a wan-faced Kondo trailing behind.

"Can they do it?" Matsudaira asks.

Kondou wishes he didn't believe in his officers so much. Then at least he would have had the sense to hightail it out of town already.

The problem is, he knows Toshi and Sougo will do _something_ to fix the situation and protect him. Trying to imagine what they will come up with is far more nerve-wracking than the simple threat of execution.

The two officers walk up to the doors leading to the test room.

"Ok, let's do this," says Hijikata like he hasn't been saying that for the past two days straight.

"Right," Sougo replies, as if he hasn't been answering the exact same way for those same two days.

And they stride into the arena as if nothing in the world could stop them.

Five minutes later, Kondou sighs as he watches Sougo jumping up and down on Hijikata's stomach as Hijikata, twining his feet around Sougo's rope, attempts to both hold onto his side and slice off Sougo's ankles.

"I told you before," he says, "they don't do well with simulations. Now if, for example, there were ten guys in there really trying to kill them, then. . . . "

Too late, he remembers who he's talking to.

"Life and death?" Matsudaira perks up and is already pulling out his cellphone before Kondou can take back the words. "This old man can do that."

Sixty seconds later, men with black masks and flame throwers suddenly flood the testing room.

Things get very busy indeed.

Several extremely interesting minutes later . . . the reviewer gazes through the window in amazement. "That shouldn't even be possible," he whispers, awed, as they watch Sougo and Hijikata continue to kick at each other while simultaneously, in perfect sync and scant regard for gravity, fighting off the ninjas and climbing to the ring at the ceiling.

"So they pass, right?" Kondou sighs in relief.

"Yes, although they scare me very much."

Kondou claps a hearty hand on his shoulder. "I know the feeling!" he says sincerely.

Later, when – slightly charred, and Hijikata looking just slightly protective of Sougo's singed shoulder – the two Shinsengumi officers make it out of the room in record time and Hijikata wheezes irritably, "Who the hell suggested _that_?" Kondou very wisely keeps his mouth shut.

He, after all, knows his teammates _very_ well indeed.

Which is also why he carefully doesn't comment on the fact that Toshi has left a steadying hand on Sougo's arm, and Sougo has yet to attempt to chop it off.

Absolutely irredeemable had he thought? Never! If it involved Toshi and Sougo no situation could be irredeemable. _They _aren't. Say more, they are just redeemable enough. Eventually. When they have to be.

And Kondou wouldn't have it any other way. After all, from here on out things can only get more interesting.

Shrugging, Matsudaira has already turned and is making his way out of the room, ready to move on to strategies and tactics and politics that Kondou is honestly grateful that he himself has no ability to even begin to understand.

Instead, he grins at the retreating back of the Shinsengumi's savior, and then races off to join his men and to see – just as soon as he buys Sougo more shoujo and Toshi more instructional porn - what in the world will happen next.

* * *

Next time, we'll explore Sougo's increasing obsession with Hana Yori Dango. Or really, no, we won't.

T_o everyone who reviewed last time! Wheee! I'm soooo happy (and relieved!) you guys enjoyed the Talk(s)! You all are awesome._

_Need a dose of cute today? Check out 3-Z getting down and Sougo doing the cosplay dance! Because Japan is bizarre. But adorable._

_www.youtube. com/ watch?vNJiRa56LPno_

_www.youtube. com /watch?vAZe4SHjKNQQ_


	19. books

DISCLAIMER: I just want to state that there is a lot of really good doujinshi out of there that have lovely illustrations and thoughtful content. But this story will be talking about the other kind. Also, Gintama totally doesn't belong to me.

WARNING: Rated T, cause, you know, doujinshi. And Hijikata. And Sougo.

A/N: Yo, it's been a while! I kept waiting, thinking this one would spontaneously get better, but it never has, so I'll just post it anyway. There are about four more stories to this series and I'll get to them someday . . . .

Big thanks to everyone who has reviewed in the last months from *all over the world*! Wow, that's so cool.

* * *

Everybody's Favorite Topic

_In which Sougo and Toshirou do not lack inspiration, but the author does_

* * *

It was a calm, quiet afternoon, but counter to tradition, the captain of the first squad of the Shinsengumi was not doing anything to actively make it less calm and quiet (such as planning Death Attacks and hoping Hijikata wouldn't notice). Nor was he sleeping/pretending to sleep to annoy his fukuchou (and hoping Hijikata _would_ notice, because otherwise it was no fun). Instead, he was sprawled in his room with the doors open, in the midst of various small pastel-colored books, most of which seemed to heavily feature flowers on their covers.

He did not seem particularly surprised when a slender A4 size publication with a significantly more dubious cover illustration than fluttering daisies suddenly hurtled through the air, catching him full in the face (because he didn't care enough to move) before sliding down into the pile of much less r-rated novels.

Okita Sougo rarely did display surprise when violence happened, because he approved of violence. Also, it was that time of the month, and by this point everyone in the compound knew what _that_ meant. The wiser members were already keeping to their rooms and trying not to draw any unnecessary attention to themselves for the next day or two.

From all the way down the engawa, Sougo's irate assailant wound up again and prepared to throw.

"I-" Hijikata Toshirou roared, brandishing another booklet in a full-throttle rage that only waking up to Yamazaki cheerfully carting into his room all the city's new doujin output could produce, "will NEVER do ANY of this with you!"

The object of his ire did not seem impressed, either by the risqué book to the face, or the accompanying pronouncement, despite the energy which Hijikata had placed on the both rising note of the sentence and the wind-up of his throw.

"Whatever," Okita Sougo (sort of boyfriend) shrugged, barely looking up from volume 9 of Fruits Basket.

"Do you hear me?!" Hijikata continued to snarl, throwing still more ragged 'zines at his unresponsive sort of boyfriend, who ignored the rain of mild porn, dodging it with ease while carefully turning the pages of his manga. He was rooting for Kyo, hoping that some day he would be able to beat that damn fukuchou . . . er . . .rat.

"Not this!" ::smack:: "Not this!" ::smack:: "NEVER this! Or THIS!" ::smack smack:: "And DEFINITELY not—well, no, that would be okay. But not this!" ::smack:: "Are you listening to me???!"

With a sigh, Sougo reached the last page of his volume and closing the book, reached up without looking and deftly intercepted the latest Adults Only missile. It seemed to feature ribbons and handcuffs, but someone – probably Kondou– had written on the picture "always use the padded kind!" a message then crossed out by someone – definitely Kondou – to say "No, actually just don't use any!"

"Really, I don't see why you get to read porn anyhow and I have to read this Hana to Yume stuff," Sougo complained, trying to decide from the cover picture which way was up. There were feet pointing in all directions, so it was a little hard to tell.

Instinctively, Hijikata snatched the book back before he could open it. "Because you _already_ read porn, you twisted little sadist," he said, rage momentarily exhausted and thus leaving him temporarily more aggrieved than homicidal.

From the floor where he was half-buried in various interpretations of romance, Sougo tilted his head up to view Hijikata thoughtfully. "So that means . . . Hijikata-san already reads shoujo?" he postulated. "Ne, can you tell me who Tohru-san ends up with?"

Hijikata stared at him horror. He hadn't even fallen that low when he had been brainwashed into liking Jump. "NO!" he snapped, feeling the manly urge to go hack at something with his sword to ward off the angsty teenage romance vibes emanating (even under the light dusting of porn) from the books surrounding Sougo. "Meaning no I don't know! If you want to know, ask Yamazaki, he likes that kind of thing!" he clarified sullenly.

Sougo brushed more doujinshi off himself, still studying the man in front of him. "So Hijikata-san _has_ read porn then?"

"Of course I . . .I mean obviously . . . ." Hijikata fidgeted, because actually although in one way he did, in most ways he did _not_ want to be discussing porn with Sougo.

Sougo's eyes narrowed. "Did you think of my sister when you read porn?"

"Shut up!"

"Then, did you read porn while thinking of me?"

Theoretically this question could have been asked in a passion-arousing way. It wasn't.

"What the hell kind of questions are these? Moron!"

Sougo considered the matter. "How about thinking of Kondou-san?"

"I do NOT find Kondou-san attractive!"

"Katsura? How about Katsura? He's pretty. Or Danna, although maybe you would like him better when he's in that kimono he likes to wear. China's too young, you shouldn't be robbing the cradle like that, even in your thoughts, although I guess I should have guessed you were such a closet pervert, so maybe you like thinking of something more exotic, like that annoying animal-loving prince? Although if that's what you like I don't know why I'm even considering dating you, Hijikata you sick bastard –"

Some days you couldn't even hurl slash at your boyfriend in peace.

"Fine! You! I thought of you, okay!" Hijikata snarled, taking the route of (kind of) lesser evil. "Much good it did me." He kicked disgustedly at the fallen volumes. "This research material is totally useless."

"Reallly?" Sougo looked vaguely interested for the first time since Hijikata had stormed in hurling soft porn. "What's in it? What do they do?"

Correctly interpreting Hijikata's dubious expression, he added with a shrug, "Just because I ask people if they have porn doesn't mean they give it to me."

"I . . . find that kind of relieving, actually," Hijikata admitted.

"So what happens?"

Hijikata hesitated, trying to find the loophole that would make such a glaring opening turn from Opportunity to Death Trap. Then, condemning his soul to his fate, he reached toward Sougo –

- and immediately hit the ground hard as the hilt of Sougo's sword caught him casually in the solar plexus.

"Hijikata-san, you should know better than to just lunge at me," Sougo said reprovingly as Hijikata coughed in pain.

"That's what _I'm supposed to do_," Hijikata grumbled wheezingly.

"Why?"

Sougo was obviously missing a few fundamental clues about basic doujinshi.

"There are NO reasons in these damn things!" Hijikata snapped irritably. "It just happens! According to them, you should just pout and let me do whatever I want with you."

Sougo considered this. "But I don't want to."

"Then how the hell am I supposed to be using this crap for research if you won't act like it says you're supposed to act?" Hijikata demanded sourly.

"How am I supposed to act?" Sougo asked interestedly, since he was only allowed to be reading high school romantic comedies, and was thus under the growing impression that it took at least 20 entire volumes, not to mention at least one trip to New York and/or dramatic hospital/amnesia episode before one was allowed to have a successful conversation, let alone prolonged bodily contact.

(This was, of course, exactly the impression that Kondou was hoping to cultivate).

"Um, well . . . for example . . . ." Hijikata frowned as he mentally perused the rather clichéd and slightly mentally scarring volumes he had recently been forced to read. " . . . Slip into my bed at night and molest me until I wake up?"

"Kondou-san would get mad. And wouldn't you instinctively attempt to kill anyone groping you as you slept?"

"Then . . . fall conveniently sound asleep somewhere and let _me_ molest _you_?"

"Kondou-san would get _really _mad. Also, I don't want to. And I would _definitely_instinctively kill anyone groping me in my sleep. Especially if it was you."

"In that case . . . . " Hijikata coughed and muttered something.

"What was that?"

The vice-commander glared at him and spoke again with defiant clarity. "I said, 'suddenly develop the personality and basic accoutrements of a cat'!"

" . . . Hijikata-san, are you on drugs?"

"Dammit, why am I even reading this crap?!" Hijikata demanded to the world in general. Which, thankfully for the vice-commander's still valiantly struggling pride wasn't really listening.

But since he HAD been reading it . . . . He hesitated. "I take it you're not just, you know, you happen to be just . . . randomly horny?" he asked hopefully.

Sougo considered it. "No."

"Dammit, I knew this would be useless! You're supposed to be interested and ready to be instructed and – and – _pliant_!"

"No."

"Or into wearing maid outfits."

"Definitely no."

" . . .school girl uniforms?"

"That might be okay," Sougo said thoughtfully.

". . . . "

". . . . "

". . . . did you really mean that?"

"Die, Hijikata-san."

" . . .That's what I thought." Hijikata settled back to lean against a pillar in a subdued huff. "This is the stupidest of stupid ideas Kondou-san has ever thought of," he muttered, glaring balefully at both shoujo and doujinshi. "It's not like _either_ of us are learning anything. As if either of us are going to fit into a shoujo romance!"

"Oh? But they have lots of advice . . . . " Sougo picked up one of the volumes of his own arsenal of information, a slightly stabbed-looking copy of Aisteruze Baby. "For example, according to this, you should – no, wait, I don't want you to do that. Or that. I'd kill you if you did that. Well, hm, that would be okay."

Hijikata craned to see and slowly absorbed the flowery picture in front of him. "You want me to . . . make you a lunch bentou--? Wait a damn minute! Why are you giving me the girl part?!"

Sougou regarded him passively. "Do you really want _me _to make you food? That you consume?" he asked simply. "Because I will, but you will _have to eat it."_

Hijikata folded his arms across his chest, pouting (manfully), because he may have spent the past months reading nothing but porn, but he still had his dignity. Sort of. "If food figures anywhere in this, it should not be in a bentou!" he snarled.

Sougo looked at him with big, wide eyes.

"W-what the hell are you doing?"

"Looking at you with big, wide, eyes, like they do in Shoujo when they want to affect men. Is it working?"

"Dammit, yes."

Rather pleased, Sougo continued the shimmery look. Somehow, although they were inside and it was the middle of summer, the air around him began to glimmer in a sakura petal-like way.

"Stop that. "

Abruptly a breeze came out of nowhere and stirred Sougo's hair, not in the usual "I have an aura of evil around me that will crush you" motif, but in a playful, almost fetching way.

"No, seriously. Stop it."

"I bet if I wanted to, I could make sparkles appear, too," Sougo said smugly.

Obviously even Hijikata Toshirou, demon vice commander who could make even a crying child hush in fear as he passed, could not withstand sparkles.

"Fine!" Hijikata growled, capitulating ungracefully. "But I'm not making it pretty!"

Satisfied, Sougo blinked and returned to his normal 'I'm only not killing you right now because I'm too bored to" expression. "I want rabbit ear apple slices."

"NO!"

"And octopus sausages. And sakura carrots. But no mayonnaise."

"I will NOT—wait, what do you mean no mayonnaise? How can you eat carrots without mayonnaise?"

" . . . Are you sure you don't want me to kill you now and put you out of your misery?"

"You _are_ my misery, and it's not like I've gotten in – no, wait, forget I almost said that." Hijikata winced, instinctively looking around uneasily in case Kondou was stalking them as usual and about to jump out and lecture him about innuendo.

"No mayonnaise, Hijikata-san."

Hijikata sniffed. "Like I care if you can't appreciate fine cuisine."

"Cross your heart and promise to let me kill you? Oh, and I want my rice balls to look like Hello Kitty characters."

"What the f—"

Sougo's eyes started to get wide and glittery again.

"Dammit!"

Just at that moment, Hijikata couldn't decide who he hated most: shoujo mangaka, Kondou or - - no, no, actually he did know. Okita, it was _definitely_ Okita.

"If you want, you can walk in on me changing sometime," Sougo offered to sweeten the deal. "That happens a lot in these books."

That sounded more promising. "And then-?" he said hopefully.

Sougo looked smug again. "I get to hit you for being a pervert."

Hijikata never thought he'd say this, but: ". . .I think I like the porn better."

"Pervert."

"Brat."

"Ecchi old man."

"Twisted psycho killer."

"If you're not nice I'll tell Kondou-san on you."

" . . . . damnnit . . . . "

And thus Hijikata stormed away to make a violently made (albeit well crafted) bentou of kind of love while Sougo returned to Volume Ten of Fruits Basket.

There had, Hijikata decided as he stomped away, damn well better be some high quality molesting in the future for him to be willing to put up with this.

And cat ears, if he had anything to say about it.

* * *


	20. 20 chapters!

DISCLAIMER: Wouldn't it be odd if, after all these chapters of saying Gintama is not mine, I suddenly said it was?

WARNINGS: Spoilers for the Mitsuba Arc; lack of whackiness

TIMELINE: pre-manga, because I like chibi!Sougo and ponytail!Hijikata.

A/N: Another one I have the feeling should have been made better . . .in fact, I almost didn't include it in SS & M because _it has no humor whatsoever. _Weird. Hope you enjoy anyhow. This one isn't really romance, but Sougo still pwns Hijikata in it. . . .

Thanks to everyone who's still reading!

* * *

Sleep

_in which Sougo doesn't until he does_

* * *

The brat's stalking him again. Hijikata can tell by the unnatural way the grass behind him rustles. Really, someone is going to have to teach that kid how to be stealthy – what does he think, that he can go through life just stepping out and forthrightly cutting everything in his way in two? - or he's never going to make it to adulthood. It's not going to be Hijikata that's going to do it, though, because he doesn't believe in doing things that will contribute to making his life more difficult. If Kondou notices, _he_ can deal with it.

Hijikata's washing his face at the well after practice and when the brat lunges he simply moves to one side, letting Sougo get a faceful of the water bucket. He doesn't bother waiting for the brat to disentangle himself, just moves on to the common area, where there's already a brazier burning to ward off the autumn chill that's creeping in even this early. Sougo joins him later, and grumpily spreads out his hakama to dry, curling his bare legs, uncovered by the short practice yukata, under him and absolutely refusing to scoot as close to the fire as Hijikata knows he wants to.

They glare at each other for a while, but Hijikata gets bored easily and rolls onto his back, one arm behind his head so he doesn't have to look at the brat.

"Morning practices finished," he reminds Sougo. "Why are you here, anyway?"

"Why are _you_?" Sougo shoots back defensively. Then he hesitates. "There's nothing else to do," he mutters poutily, poking at the fire.

"Those village kids are always by the river."

Sougo still looks away and doesn't say anything.

Hijikata remembers Mitsuba saying once, "Sou-chan has never gotten along with children his own age," and it's understandable – because the kid is insane – but it also annoys him somehow.

"Brats who always try to kill people don't make friends," he says pointedly, lazily.

And maybe it's been too long since he was a kid, because he's a little surprised at how vehemently Sougo reacts to the taunt, damp-haired head snapping up to glare at him with something a notch more than the usual resentment.

"I have friends. Kondou-san likes me," Sougo states defensively.

Hijikata snorts. "He's ten years older than you."

Sougo's face is red now. "So?" he demands. "Kondou-san likes having me around! Better than you! He would be more worried if I was in trouble than if you were!"

"Because you're a brat."

"No, because –"

Just then Kondou rounds the corner, grinning and branding the new sake he had promised to introduce to Hijikata. "Toshi, it's here!" he says jovially. "Let's – ara? Sougo, you're still here? Won't Mitsuba-dono miss you for lunch?"

Sougo looks betrayed for just a split second, then rushes angrily out of the room.

"Sougo?" Kondou murmurs puzzedly, turning to watch the retreating boy with concern.

"It's just kid stuff," Hijikata says dismissively, getting to his feet and stepping over the drying hakama.

Kondou still looks concerned. "Kid stuff is important when you're a kid," he says thoughtfully.

*

Hijikata isn't surprised when Sougo isn't there when afternoon practice starts. His sulking capacity is well known around the dojo. It's not until almost evening – starting earlier and earlier thesedays as winter closes in– when Mitsuba herself shows up at the training grounds, that anyone begins to realize this time might be different from the usual temper tantrums that have abounded since Hijikata's arrival.

Mitsuba is wrapped in a shawl to keep off the chill of the evening, and she's concerned enough to clutch at Kondou's sleeve when she asks him if Sougo is there.

Hijikata squints out to the fields where rain is started to tumble down in earnest and mutters, "We'd better go look." He doesn't even notice he's the one who said it first.

Kondou sends out everyone who happens to be around, making sure they dress for the rainy night and not bothering to do the same for himself. Hijikata ignores the fussing – it's not like he owns anything beyond what he's wearing anyway – and heads for the road before Kondou can notice and waste time about it.

"Toushirou-san –" He stops at her voice and feels her press her umbrella into his hand. It's her usual gentle kindness, but she's not smiling, and that somehow makes him want to find Sougo – but only so he can thump the brat across the head for worrying his sister like this.

The umbrella helps with the downpour but does nothing for the mud and wet wind. Hijikata stalks along and lets himself be annoyed to his heart's content, because there's no reason _he_ should have to deal with a kid's selfishness. He's doing it for Kondou, really, because he doesn't care about a brat who would run off and scare his sister for no good reason.

Mitsuba, at least, has been convinced to stay at the dojo in case Sougo should return there, which is the most likely scenario since the brat is too stubborn to either get in serious trouble or to _give up_ and let Hijikata win. This last thought almost gives Hijikata pause – it's an odd idea, that they'd be fighting for something, after all – but he can dismiss it as the mind rambling in the cold, growing evening.

The river is rushing a little fast with the sudden influx of rain and the sight of it beyond the tangle of fields and trees reminds Hijikata of the morning's conversation. With a bitten back sigh, he strikes out across the brush, wet bracken tangling in his clothes and pulling at his sleeves. There is a small cluster of trees between the road and the river, and anyone caught in the rain would probably head there.

Sure enough, Hijikata finds him under the scanty trees, a little smear of light color amidst the rain and green. He looks wet and miserable and barely human, like some drowned fairy – except for the anger.

Head down and knees pulled up against his chest, he doesn't move as Hijikata impatiently pads through the muddy grass and comes to stand by him. Hijikata toes him exasperatedly. "Oi, gaki. Get up, or do you want to wait and let Kondou find you instead."

Sougo raises his head at that, and his eyes aren't red-rimmed, just infuriated and a little glazed, probably from the cold judging by the way he's shivering.

They stare angrily at each other for a long moment, the rain whipping Hijikata's hair under the umbrella like a long angry tail.

"Well, you got what you wanted," Hijikata says levelly. "They were worried. We came to find you."

"How do you know what I want?" Sougo asks sullenly, sinking his chin back against his folded arms.

"People who leave home for good, pack. They don't run off half-dressed with no shoes on."

Sougo's head shoots up again, although why he would take offense at that Hijikata can't guess.

"I had shoes! I wouldn't leave them."

The shoes are new, Hijikata vaguely recalls now. A gift from Kondou, to keep up with the growing boy.

"I lost them," Sougo mutters, obviously disliking the admission. "I was going down the hill and tripped on something and they came off somewhere and I _looked_, but . . . ."

Hijikata peers closer and now he can see that the boy's muddy legs, hardly covered by the short muddy yukata, are indeed covered with scratches and one ankle looks a little swollen.

Hijikata hates kids.

"Come on," he growls, unceremoniously hoisting Sougo up and despositing him on his back, at the same time deftly moving his head to avoid losing an ear to the bite with which Sougo protests the movement.

"You said I didn't have to let you find me –" Sougo complains, even though Hijikata can feel how cold and wet he is.

"That was before you were bleeding," he snaps. "Stay there or I'll knock you unconscious and tell everyone you hit your head on a tree."

Sougo believes him (because he's telling the truth) and stops trying to slide to the ground and recedes grumpily, batting at Hijikata's hair and slumping into his back. Hijikata starts walking, one hand awkwardly supporting Sougo, the other moving the umbrella to keep off the worst of the downpour from both of them.

"Mitsuba-san came looking for you," he says, picking his way carefully through the tangled underbrush and keeping an eye out for any stray sandals.

"She didn't come out in the rain, did she?" Sougo asks, voice suddenly worried and clear, proof that he has straightened up to lean over Hijikata's shoulder in earnest emotion.

"No, we convinced her to stay at the dojo."

Some of the tension drains out of the small body and Hijikata forgives him a little, for liking his sister.

"I wasn't trying to run away," Sougo mutters finally, as if he thinks Hijikata might care. "I was just angry and ran and then fell and I wanted to find my shoes."

"Aa," Hijikata agrees matter-of-factly, because that seems more likely. The brat has never been one to retreat for long, after all.

"I wouldn't want her to worry. She would be upset – "

"Aa."

"Even if Kondou-san wouldn't – "

"He was. They all were. Hell, even I –" he leaves the thought unfinished but Sougo takes it the wrong way anyhow.

"Just because I'm a kid," he mumbles tiredly, resentfully.

"That might be true. So what?"

He feels Sougo shiver again. "You should have yelled," he chastises. "If you want someone to find you, you have to help them a little."

"I wasn't _trying _to be found," Sougo corrects, as if there's an important distinction between trying to make something happen and just wanting it to. Maybe there is, at least to a kid.

"Wouldn't you want someone to come after you?" he mumbles later, voice almost indistinguishable.

Hijikata doesn't answer, because he wouldn't. It's not his style and no matter how much he gets grudgingly used to Kondou and the rest, it never will be. He'd rather be alone to lick his wounds and he'd never experiment to see if someone would come for him, because he already knows they wouldn't. That will never change and he doesn't want it to. Waiting, hoping, for someone to appear – that's just for useless kids.

He doesn't answer, because he still wants to believe that he doesn't mind that it will never change.

"If you wouldn't, I wouldn't either," Sougo responds to the undercurrents of the silence, the customary thinking-about-Hijikata pout in his voice.

"Idiot," Hijikata says curtly. "We're nothing alike."

"That's right," Sougo agrees with an unexpected weary satisfaction. "I win because I'm less stupid than you. You don't understand anything."

It could be true, Hijikata reflects.

He walks along, glad that the brat on his back doesn't understand him at all.

Gradually, Hijikata feels the cold body relax and Sougo's head sink against his shoulder.

"Oi, gaki, you asleep?" he said softly.

The answer is immediate, if exhausted. "No, I won't sleep when an annoying guy like Hijikata is around."

Years later Hijikata remembers this as he glares at Sougo dozing on the engawa and wonders briefly if this counts as a victory of sorts. "So you'll never sleep with an annoying guy like me around, huh?" he murmurs. Without moving, Sougo replies, "I'm not asleep."

Sougo's still not asleep, although it's obviously taking everything the boy has to cling to consciousness, when they finally reach the dojo. Kondou arrives soon after and with a relieved glow quickly bustles off to arrange soup and blankets for everyone as Sougo is dutifully handed over to Mitsuba, who of course doesn't smack him and yell like she should, just looks pale and shaken and maybe that affects Sougo more than anything else would anyhow. It certainly affects Hijikata, not that he would admit it.

Sougo sleepily apologizes and explains and won't accept a blanket until she takes another one, and then is asleep within seconds in her lap, cuddled curled up like a kitten, face growing soft and safekept, like a reflection from his sister. She follows Hijikata's frowning gaze and laughs, affectionately stroking the boy's hair. "He's like a different creature when he's asleep, isn't he?" she asks fondly.

Hijikata snorts and think that anything would be an improvement on the awake Sougo, but doesn't say it because there's a chance Mitsuba doesn't yet realize her little brother is a mini embodiment of sadism.

Judging from her small smile, she guesses his thoughts anyway.

"Thank you for finding him, Toushirou-san," she says softly.

He offers a brief nod and waits for Kondou and leans against the wall of the dojo, watching Mitsuba smile in the gathered twilight.

* * *

Years later, the pretty soft-eyed sister is gone and the rules Hijikata has set out for himself mean he has to do fine with that, but Sougo doesn't have those rules and Hijikata's secretly astonished that he's handling it so well. Kondou thinks differently.

"He's not doing well," he says worriedly, watching as Okita acts exactly as normal.

"His sister died," Hijikata grumps. "Of course he's upset."

Kondou shoots him a strange look. "It can't be healthy, crying in your sleep," he murmurs.

He's looking at Hijikata as if he should have something to say, but he doesn't because it's patently ridiculous.

"He did the same thing when we moved here," Kondou answers the unexpressed skepticism.

"Sougo did?" Hijikata demands, because he hadn't known that, and it must be a bad sign when _Kondou Isao_ is regarding you like you're pathetically naïve.

It's at least half about his honor, then, to see if it's true.

*

Sougo doesn't bother with traps or snares in his room like some of the more paranoid members of the police force – not because he isn't paranoid but because he knows he can take care of anything that happens. Still, Hijikata is surprised that he can enter so easily, Sougo not even stirring in his sleep; he must be more tired than usual, because the last time Hijikata entered unannounced he nearly got a sword in the knee two steps in – although admittedly that was still better than what Sougo usually planned for him when the captain realized ahead of time that it was _Hijikata _approaching.

He looks down at the sleeping captain and it's just light enough to catch moisture gleaming at the tips of his eyelashes like something forgotten. Hijikata reaches down – maybe to catch one of the lingering drops – but the movement wakes Sougo – which might have actually been what Hijikata was after anyway.

"What is it?" Sougo asks sleepily. "Does Kondou-san need us?"

"Nothing. He's worried." Hijikata doesn't need to specify why.

Sougo is more awake now and shoots him an almost reproachful look, before burrowing into his pillow, dark eyes sliding over to Hijikata from above folded arms. "That's stupid. He doesn't need to be."

"Kondou-san often does things he doesn't need to," he agrees, "and is often stupid. Not often wrong," he adds, but not too harshly because it's obvious that Sougo has been trying.

Sougo sits up and gives a slumping sigh so worn it could never exist in the daytime. "He doesn't have to worry," he says again in a tone that matches the sigh. "Just because she was the only one who liked me."

Hijikata bites back his own sigh, because he hadn't meant to break anything that day years ago. "Idiot," he says not entirely roughly, and not entirely just to Sougo. "Why would you still say that? As if things are ever that simple."

Sougo just makes an annoyed noise, impatient with the hint of sympathy. "Why are you here?"

He doesn't say _to see if you were waiting for someone to come_. He's uneasy enough about having to live with the knowledge that they had all come after _him_ - in fact only being alive _because _they did – of being _thankful_ they did - that he's not sure at all that he wants to know if Sougo has also changed from all those years ago.

Luckily, he has a much simpler answer.

To demonstrate, Hijikata lifts Sougo's hand and uses it to wipe his eyes. Sougo looks surprised to feel the wetness there.

Hijikata clears his throat uncomfortably, and kind of wishes it was the old days when he could just threaten to bash Sougo unconscious and ignore anything else until it was over. Somehow, although he had managed the first part, the second part is getting harder and harder. Not just in regard to Sougo – it's all them, Kondou, Yamazaki, even people outside the Shinsengumi now. Somehow, he has managed (Kondou has managed for him) to acquire far too many things in his life that he does not want to give up.

"Sougo, Mitsuba wouldn—" he begans, but even half asleep there are some things Sougo won't permit. He cuts Hijikata off, tone hardening.

"Don't talk about her."

"Sougo, she –"

This time it's Sougo's pillow that stops him, hitting him hard in the face. Hijikata spares a moment to be astounded that in the middle of a moment when he was actually trying to be serious, even _nice_, he is interrupted by a _pillow._

Before he can retaliate – as soon as he can think of a way which doesn't involve pillow fighting or even the slightly more dignified usual variation of fists and swords - Sougo sighs and sinks forward to lay his head on the pillow that has fallen next to Hijikata. "I'm tired, stop bothering me," he murmurs into Hijikata's sleeping yukata, hair fanning over the dark material, nose brushing his leg.

Hijikata looks down at the boy lying at his knees and stays as quiet as possible as Sougo's breath evens out and he falls asleep. He's changed in a lot of ways, but without the mask, he still sleeps the same way – sweetly and a little forlorn, as if Mitsuba is still stroking his hair. Hijikata doesn't try to reach out – neither one of them would want that now - but just for the night he lets himself remember, just a little.

Sougo sleeps and doesn't cry, and Hijikata stays there the whole night and only hobbles away on stiff joints when the sun begins to warm the room.

The next day, Hijikata lingers in the common room uncertainly as evening wanes, wondering what he's supposed to do. Then Sougo comes into the room with his futon and declares to Kondou, "Let me sleep in your room tonight. Last night a _pervert_ got into my room."

And Hijikata is once again saved from something like caring – but he remembers the lost look in two sets of the same tired eyes, and Sougo, walking out, turns back just slightly; and when their gazes meet, they share a long and complicated exchange that neither of them quite knows what means.

Maybe it makes them feel better.

-

-

end

* * *

Next: Sougo & Hijikata . . . dating. Each other. With possibly no bloodshed!


	21. still alive! dating

DISCLAIMER: It never fails to surprise me that I'm not Soriachi and none of these characters belong to me.

WARNINGS: A bizarrely lot of suggestive talk about food.

SPOILERS: That great handcuffed together arc.

A/N: I have been trying to finish this frickin' story since MARCH, so I'm finally putting it up in two parts with the hope that it will make me finish the ten words I keep needing to add to the second part.

Also, special impressed thanks to Snow Cover and Trekiae who did tremendous marathon review sessions and yet seem to have not suffered lasting trauma from reading like 20 chapters of this stuff in a row, which frankly I'm kind of astounded about.

* * *

Dating, pt 1

In which once again everyone just talks about Sougo

* * *

"Toshi," said Kondou Isao, stalwart leader of the infamously lethal fighting police the Shinsengumi, whose name even hardened criminals (rarely) dared whisper, and by last poll struck fear into the hearts of between 75 and 80 percent of all evildoers and at least 86 percent of all honest citizens, "we need to talk about dating."

And Hijikata Toshirou, demon vice commander who at least 93.2 percent, 94.9 on a good day, of the populace at large feared, wished that just once thesedays his best friend and commander wouldn't start off every conversation like that. True, he was now uneasily, almost unwillingly, unofficially-_officially_ entangled with the Shinsengumi's first captain and Kondou's surrogate son (percentage of universe terrified by said peacekeeper: 99.99) but did that really have to change _everything_? Sure it was going to make a _little_ bit of difference, especially sometimes at night and after particularly sweaty workouts, when Sougo had that habit of tilting his head back and letting water trickle into his mouth, swallowing on and on and on. . . .

But did Sougo and sex really have to permeate _every single aspect_ of Hijikata's life, to the point where not only Kondou but even random passerbys were asking about it? It was hardly conducive to striking terror into the hearts of man and Amanto alike, when halfway through a fierce shootout with terrorists Hijikata had to put up with Katsura yelling "So, you getting any yet, Bakufuku dog?" to which Sougo would repy "No, but next month he gets to use tongue".

And then the next day they would meet the yokoyuza and Sakata would nonchalantly give him a card for that cheap cross-dressing escort bar in case he needed to practice for using tongue. Which was both insulting and exceedingly creepy since he was pretty sure Sakata still worked there.

The point was, unless there were copious amounts of alcohol involved, there was no reason that Hijikata could see why his private sex life should become a group activity. It was bad enough already that even _Sougo_ was involved.

It was even worse that for all the obsessive discussion of all this, he _still_ wouldn't get to use tongue until next month.

Anyway, _Sougo_ wasn't changing _his_ attitude, was he? Was he? Well . . . it _might_ be intentional that lately he seemed to be trying not to aim for Hijikata's face or groin too much during the routine attempts at killing him. But _Hijikata_ wasn't changing his attitude – much - except for those few moment when he found himself thinking that at least said murder attempts occasionally resulted in physical contact.

So why was it that Kondou, who was only peripherally involved because he considered himself involved in all his friends' lives, whether they wanted it or not, felt the need to start every single conversation they had with some discussion about Hijikata's (lack of) sex life?

Couldn't he for once say: "Toshi, we need to talk about the climate of rising political intrigue in the city?" Well, no, probably not. For one thing, he probably didn't know what "political intrigue" meant. For another, his idea of reacting to political intrigue was "Let's just go clean it up and they'll probably thank us in the morning." Whereas Hijikata's viewpoint was "Let's go clean it up and they'll probably hate us in the morning, but screw them anyway." Sougo . . . he didn't even want to think about what his version of political intrigue was. It probably involved a guillotine and Hijikata's neck.

But still, having to choose between jumping behind a pillar to hide from your best friend or standing still and taking it like a man while he said in a ringing voice that carried all across the courtyard and into the street, "Toshi, we need to talk about penetration!" wasn't exactly one of the perks that came with sort of liking Sougo.

Frankly, even Sougo himself wasn't often one of the perks.

Sougo was, as he had always been, an anti-perk. A bloody-minded, creatively homicidal, entirely devious, absolutely untrustworthy, devilishly pouty, bizarrely fetching, anti-perk with a growing habit of sprawling asleep in provocative poses that made Hijikata grind his teeth and recite all 17 pages (plus appendixes) of Kondou's ever-increasing Rules for the Art of Dating.

(Never date anyone whose father figure has the power to make you commit seppuku if you stare too hard during dessert whenever banana sundaes are served. Damn the tropical fruits season, anyway! It was bad enough when Sougo only had access to dango. . . )

Hijikata sighed, and Kondou mirrored the motion, although hopefully for different reasons.

"I have here – " Kondou waved a collection of various papers in one hand – "a number of complaints we need to talk about."

Hijikata waited. Other people in other less destructive lines of work might have been waiting to see what Kondou would say because they had no idea what he might be talking about. Hijikata of course waited because there were so many possibilities there was no point in wasting time guessing which one it might be.

But whatever it was, Sougo was probably involved.

It seemed somehow that thesedays Sougo was _always_ involved in _everything_ – even things like grocery shopping, which used to a simple affair of telling Yamazaki what Sougo would like to eat, but now involved damnably interesting visions of just how that food might be creatively used – which annoyed Hijikata 99% of the time and annoyed him even more the 1% of the time it _didn't _annoy him. And now that he thought about it, since when were Sougo's favorite foods not only dango but whip cream, oysters, chocolate sauce, bananas, and apparently anything else that was either sticky enough to need slowly licking off fingers or required marked finesse with swallowing?

The only vague consolation was that it – whatever exactly it was – surely _was_ getting to Sougo, too. So sure, he still had fits of trying to bisect Hijikata, but now he actually _apologized_ afterward.

Well, not apologized, exactly. But he sort of implied it by being nicer for a while.

Well, not nicer, per se. More like . . . not nice, but in a less not nice way than usual.

Or something.

Dammit.

"Now, here's a letter from the old Edo ikebana club.," Kondou was saying, pulling out a pastel-colored sheet of paper and squinting at it. "Apparently last Saturday half of their special flower display was destroyed by 'two evil sword-wielding maniacs in black."

"It could have been two _other _sword-wielding maniacs," Hijikata felt compelled to point out, just for the sake of going down with a fight.

"Was it?"

" . . . . No. But _he_ started it," Hijikata muttered, because somehow Sougo always reduced him to the maturity level of a three-year-old.

"Toshi, you know what always happens when you let Sougo get near carnivorous plants," Kondou reproved him patiently.

"Why does an old ladies' flower arranging festival have carnivorous alien plants, anyhow?" Hijikata demanded sourly, wincing at the memory, because some of them had had quite a sharp nip.

"Still, if someone gives you a bouquet, you really shouldn't attempt to dismember them," Kondou lectured. "I've had to talk to you about this before, although I admit with those cosplay stalkers there were mitigating circumstances."

"Kondou-san, I was trying to dismember the _bouquet_ before it ate me. It wasn't my fault if Sougo was still holding it."

Kondou didn't seem impressed by this intelligence, but he did put down the pink letter and moved on to a different paper.

"And the zoo? That Corinthian slimebeast was very rare. Now I know Sougo takes labels like "Fabled Impossible to Kill Beast of Legend" very seriously, but it was an endangered species!"

Hijikata shrugged. "Some things should be on a leash."

"They're in a zoo so they don't have to be on a leash."

"I meant Sougo."

Kondou frowned slightly. "Page 12, subsection B, Toshi. No leather-related goods."

Hijikata scowled. "I _know._"

"And then there was the . . . bowling alley?"

They both shared an image of an enclosed space where heavy projectiles easily capable of cracking heads open were routinely heaved through the air.

"No, well, I can see where that was a mistake," Kondou admitted. "But what about those poor poor street performers the other day? That one was you Toshi, admit it."

"The mime had it coming," Hijikata muttered sullenly. "He was sniggering."

Said ill-advised mime had, in fact, motioned what looked suspiciously like "So, vice-commander, you getting' any yet?" And while there had been a certain horrified anticipation about watching Sougo act out the answer, Hijikata wasn't quite so far gone as to let _mimes_ disrespect him – or let them watch his bo—his boyfr – his _Sougo_ pretending to use tongue.

Kondou shuffled through more paper. He was looking tired, which would have ordinarily brought out Hijikata's (slightly corroded by still functional) protective instincts; but since he had brought all this on himself by unilaterally deciding against all available evidence that Sougo needed sheltering, Hijikata couldn't bring himself to feel very guilty. Not when there was still a towering mountain of doujinshi that Kondou still insisted he read to in order to (as far as Hijikata could tell) a) give him ideas and b) ban him from doing them. Not when Hijikata was forced every night to sit and watch as Sougo slowly lapped chocolate sauce from his fingers while he ate his banana sundae.

Not when he had been dating Sougo for what seemed like a year, and _he still couldn't use tongue until next month. _

Well, except when Kondou wasn't watching.

(That was happening a little more often now that Sougo had mistaken a spying Yamazaki for a spy who _wasn't_ on their side, which served Yamazaki right for being a rotten spy who not only stalked his superior officers, but brought _popcorn_ on his stakeout missions. Since the stalking was under orders, Hijikata could almost forgive it, but anyone stupid enough to bring loud, crunchy food while stalking two armed, violent, and paranoid men deserved all the contusions they got).

"All right. But what about the matinee?" Kondou said patiently, unearthing the next complaint from the pile. Faint soot trailed down from the smudged paper.

Hijikata took a deep breath, reminding himself that he respected Kondou and did _not _want to inflict harm on him, despite how increasingly tempting it was.

"Kondou-san," he said, "we're grown men! I keep telling you, doing _kiddie_ things just doesn't _work. _It wouldn't even work if we _were _kids. If we could just go to a damn restaurant like normal –"

Hijikata hesitated, unsure exactly what kind of noun should finish that sentence. "Couples" was never going to pass through his lips; but the only other description he could think of was "sword-wielding maniacs", which while probably accurate, wouldn't do much to help his case.

"—people," he finally went with, because he was reasonably sure that covered both him and Sougo. Probably Sougo. "Normal people doing normal things."

Kondou shook his head and gazed at his vice-fukuchou matter-of-factly.

"Toshi, you are not normal. Sougo is not normal. You should know that by now. I'm not saying that as a judgment, just as a friend."

Hijikata snapped (he did this about once a week). "Forcing grown men to go to a showing of "Mr. Huggly in Bunnyland" is _beyond _not normal," he growled. "It's beyond _ab_normal! It just _doesn't work_!"

"Even so, there was no need to blow up the theatre." Kondou tapped the slightly sooty letter.

Hijikata wished he had a cigarette, so he could bite through it. "That wasn't our fault. How were we supposed to know that damn terrorist would be there? What kind of a terrorist likes to watch Mr. Huggly in Bunnyland, anyhow?!"

"Toshi, just calm down," Kondou said soothing, apparently completely unaware that he was the one calming Hijikata up. "I understand things are . . . a bit unique . . . between you two and you're doing the best you can. You know I wouldn't ever pry into these matters if it wasn't a matter of my job as a commander. I completely respect your privacy as you nurture your relationship in a well-paced and appropriate way that's completely up to you and your personalized intimacy schedule. After all, I didn't say anything when you and Sougo – contrary to all pre-authorized timetables - disappeared together for those two days, did I?" Kondou pointed out, as he had been pointing out at least twice a day for the past two weeks.

"Kondou-san, that was Sougo masterminding an elaborate subterfuge to make me suffer deep psychological trauma and then plummet down a yawning chaos into the bowels of the earth," Hijikata reminded him with weary and fraying restraint.

"Which is why I said I wouldn't mention it again. Even though our strict agreement was that you were not to be isolated with him for more than 7 minutes or 15 if you can prove via dead bodies or arrested criminals that you were not alone during said time. Even though there were _two full nights_ spent alone together. _Even though_ handcuffs and ice pops were involved."

"I told you –" Hijikata paused. "Since when were ice pops prohibited?"

Kondou frowned. "I hope you don't want me to have to spell it out," he said stiffly. "Ice pops, ramune bottles, and other suggestive summer treats are clearly prohibited on page 15 (subsection K, lines i through iv) of the Spring Edition of your Dating manual. And I already explained to Sougo that plummeting into yawning chasms should not be happening until at least the end of the year."

"Kondou-san," Hijikata said slowly, still with the limited patience that he would only muster for Kondou who yes, he respected, although gods knew why, "Sougo tried to kill me. That's all. Can I at least have attempts on my life be made without being forced to make it seem like a screwed up sexual metaphor?"

Kondou raised an eyebrow. "Sougo said it was very romantic."

"But Sougo is a sadist," Hijikata reminded him evenly.

"Point taken," Kondou agreed, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as if he had just remembered that fact. "But still, try to be more careful, can you Toshi? Between the two of you, you've taken out a third of our city's family attractions. I know Sougo's been lobbying to go to EdoDisneyland, but at this rate I'm scared Micky will go out on a stretcher if we let you two near the place."

Hijikata rocketed forward on his knees to lean over the commander's desk. "Kondou-san," he said with rare, honest feeling and slight desperation, "if you have any respect for me as a man, please do not make me take Sougo to Disneyland."

"Ha, ha! Of course I wouldn't ever "make" you do anything you didn't want to!" Kondou said jovially, slapping him on the back. "Unless of course it was for your own good."

"My own good?" Hijikata echoed, sitting back down and wondering what about _any_ aspect of his life could be considered for his own good.

"Wouldn't making Sougo happy be for your own good?" Kondou prompted blithely.

"What would make him happiest would be my gruesome death," Hijikata muttered, once again trying to remember why he was attempting to go out with an insane bloodthirsty psychopath. It couldn't just be lust or morbid fascination, could it? Surely there were other alluring people in this city who didn't want to murder him, weren't there? Although that might just be because they hadn't met him yet.

Anyway, there was . . . well, Sakata wasn't too bad, sometimes, when he wasn't speaking or smirking or dressed up as that hooker. And, and, Yamazaki might be boring, but he would probably bring him breakfast in bed and cater to his every whim. Although he pretty much did that now, anyway.

But there must be . . . . someone . . . .

. . . . Damn. Were those really the only people Hijikata knew? No wonder he had gone with the homicidal sadist.

Though . . . .

Hijikata hesitated at the door. "He really said "romantic"?"

Kondou just flashed him a double thumbs up, which was one of the most disgusting things Hijikata had ever seen.

Kondou smiled fondly as Hijikata stomped away. They were really so cute.

* * *

A/N. Next part: A date! No, really!


	22. getting closer

DISCLAIMER: If I were Hideaki Sorachi, I would have spelled my name right in last chapter's disclaimer.

WARNINGS: Hijikata might just end up getting a little action in this one!

SPOILERS: Still referencing that great handcuffed together arc.

A/N: Hi all! ::waves sheepishly:: It distresses me mightily that I have had this story hanging around for so freakin' long and all it needed were like four more lines and I just _could not manage it. _I truly believe that Sougo was running psychic interference because he did not want me to write Hijikata even getting _close_ to getting any.

* * *

Dating Sougo pt 2

_in which there is an actual date _

* * *

Due to the "Pretend We're Kidnapped by a Twisted Evil Mastermind (_other_ than Okita) And Then Freak the Hell Out of Hijikata By Seeming to Sacrifice Himself for the Greater Good, All in Order to End Up Being Able to Leave Hijikata Plummeting Into a Deadly Abyss" plan that Sougo had hatched sometime when Hijikata wasn't looking (which was admittedly somewhat impressive given how much of the time Hijikata _was_, grudgingly, looking thesedays), Hijikata was being officially Upset with Sougo.

By making Hijikata actually worry about him, actually _believe_ in him, the twisted little bastard had passed the acceptable level of everyday sadism and entered a realm that required punishment. Therefore, as a mature and adult commander of an elite peacekeeping force, Hijikata was taking the high road and Not Talking To Sougo.

Unfortunately, the only difference with Hijikata being normally upset with Sougo and being officially Upset was that he refused to talk to Sougo, which made him cranky (although talking to Sougo also made him cranky), while it didn't seem to bother Sougo at all.

Or _maybe_ it did. Lately Sougo _did_ seem to be spending slightly more time hanging around places Hijikata might be, sucking lingeringly on popsicles, which apparently Kondou had yet to add to the banned food items list, but Hijikata honestly couldn't tell if that was an attempt to placate him or just jerk him around, because watching Sougo take care of one of those snacks was a process that involved equal parts horror and a need to take an immediate cold shower. And while Sougo _had _at one point offering a half slurped pop to Hijikata, which would have gone a certain way to getting him un-upset, the ever-vigilant Kondou had swooped in and snatched it away,

So, Hijikata remained Upset. And Sougo remained Sougo.

And if Hijikata was Upset in a way that lingered just a bit longer than necessary on Sougo's lips as he licked at those popsicles, and if Sougo was Sougo but with a newly developed tendency to use his tongue in a curling way that could clear a room in 30 seconds . . . well that was progress. Wasn't it?

Most days Hijikata wasn't sure he even wanted progress.

But he also wasn't one to give up, because _someday it would work like it was supposed to and he would WIN. _

Ah, Hijikata, the eternal optimist.

Of course dating Sougo, as Hijikata had expected, was a bizarre and stressful experience. Not just because the captain was still just as likely to try to kill him as be pleasant to him, but because Kondou Isao made one hell of a twisted father figure.

And every time they came back from yet another destroyed symbol of innocence (last time they had gone to the wave pool and ended up being almost eaten by freak sharks which Sougo swore he hadn't trained to head straight for cigarette smoke) Hijikata swore that he would never do it again.

And yet, here he was again, about to swallow his pride and do something stupid which would gain him nothing but frustration and probably flesh wounds.

Depressed, he consulted the list of acceptable 'date places' Kondou had presented him (along with a carefully drawn out and color coded intimacy timetable which meant Hijikata's chances of getting laid this year were next to nil). They had already gone to the zoo (it would be re-opening in a week or two), visited several places of historical significance (as Sougo said, "they look more authentic in ruins, don't they Hijikata-san?"), watched two movie matinees (nothing over G, and frankly Katsura's surprise bomb had been something of a relief after half an hour of trying to figure out how to surreptitiously grope Sougo while surrounded by four year olds and their mothers) and had gone to that flower show with the killer plants, which Hijikata still wasn't sure he should blame on Sougo, but was doing so anyway on the basis that even if Sougo hadn't actually _planted_ the aliens carnivore daisies, he had certainly enjoyed them far too much while Hijikata was beating them off with his swordblade. . . .

So now the next option seemed to be –

"Oi, Sougo. Would you like to go to the . . . park . . .with me?" he asked awkwardly.

Barely looking up from his latest volume of Marmalade Boy, Sougo, as he always did, considered the offer. "No," he said, as he always did. "That sounds boring."

"They have a roller coaster."

Sougo shot him a sharp look. "I don't like roller coasters."

"We can go on the ferris wheel." Hijikata felt a little more of his self-respect dying at each word.

Instead of the derision he expected, however, Sougo simply frowned a little. "You mean like the one at that amusement park back then?" he said thoughtfully. "I didn't get to go on it. That . . . might be not stupid."

Sougo, Hijikata was realizing, didn't have experience with a lot of basic things – at least when it came to the nicer side of life. Between practicing, eating, breathing and sleeping swordcraft as a child, and his sister's ill health and slim finances, he had never done many of the things that families usually did (while at the same time doing a lot of things that sane families never did). Which was why he didn't get particularly ruffled about ordinary life or death fights but might very well destroy entire towns if a plot resulted in a festival being disrupted.

He was a strange mix of ruthless sadist and innocent kid, and there was something almost – not quite endearing, but Hijikata could barely accept cute – about the way he sometimes showed cautious enthusiasm about really dumb things like ferris wheels.

It was a new development that Sougo could be cute, and it was bothering Hijikata a lot – especially at night.

"But you have to promise not to destroy any park property," he added, because as much grief as Kondou had brought upon him by forcing wholesome activities on two of the least wholesome men Edo had probably ever known, he still owed it to the commander to try.

Sougo blinked at him, as if he had said a strange and incomprehensible thing. "Why? Isn't that what we pay taxes for?"

"You _can't_ go around destroying everything you think is boring. I keep telling you that."

(The fact that Sougo had indeed happily and consistently reduced to rubble everything he felt was personally unfulfilling for the last ten years was only marginally balanced out by the lucky fact that he considered people who broke the law to be very disappointing indeed.)

Sougo considered this. "Did you get in trouble about the zoo?"

"_Kondou_-_san_ got in trouble about it."

"Oh." Sougo looked repentant. Well, it might have been repentance. "I'm not planning on destroying anything," he said, which was as close to a promise as he got. "But what if lethal force is required?"

"What reason on a ferris wheel could _possibly_ require lethal force?"

"You mean besides what happened last time? Hijikata-san, really, you of all people should know that ferris wheels are a classic focal point for action sequences." Sougo shook his head slightly, as if marveling at Hijikata's lack of narrative acumen.

As Sougo listed off all the reasons that might require lethal force, Hijikata wondered if Sougo also remembered what he had said once before: "Ferris wheels mean kissing."

God he hoped Sougo remembered.

* * *

It was a rare day when there was no evident crime (although that might have been because Kondou had prudently sent out troops to clear out/warn the other people of the area that Hijikata and Okita were coming through on a date/rampage). They went to the park and strolled lazily through the lanes, talking about this and that and more often than not arguing casually, so that it was almost like any other time when they were out patrolling together, except that it palpably wasn't.

The odd thing was that inbetween saying dispassionate, perverse things, Sougo seemed to sneaking glances at him out of the corner of his eye. Hijikata didn't _think _the captain had set up any explosives, or killer pigeons, or deadly shrapnel land mines, but the looks were making him nervous.

"What?" he finally demanded.

Sougo's eyes snapped forward, his entire demeanor assuming a retarded air of nonchalance that reminded Hijikata that Okita was, after all, much younger than he was. As well as more insane.

Well . . . at least more homicidal, anyway.

. . . Okay, fine. But definitely more sadistic. Hands down.

"I was just thinking that some people might not like going to dumb places like the zoo or the park," Sougo said casually.

"Who would?" said Hijikata irritably.

"Some people might not think it was worth all the trouble, going to dumb places and having to do dumb things. I was just thinking that."

For some reason, Sougo was frustrating Hijikata more than ever right now.

"I always have to do dumb things in dumb places," Hijikata muttered. "That's practically the job description of the Shinsengumi."

Now Sougo's forehead creased in a tiny wrinkle, too. Usually people only saw that expression when they were about to turn into three or four separate body parts, but this time he showed no immediate inclination to go for his sword.

"Some people, Hijikata-san," he said instead, apparently watching a kite in the sky, "would rather do things like drink all night with Danna and not come home until mid-afternoon the next day."

. . . Wait a minute.

As often happened in the presence of Sougo, Hijikata's mind was forced to abruptly change directions.

Was Sougo, Sougo who caused him misery and sexual frustration on a daily basis, Sougo who had pretended to sacrifice himself in front of him and then, laughing maniacally, let him fall to his potential _demise_ . . . upset with him?

For bingeing with Sakata?!

How long had _that_ been going on? Had Sougo been being upset with him all this time? He hadn't even realized, being too busy being upset with Sougo.

"Of course I went out drinking," Hijikata snapped. You dropped me down a pit after I thought you were dying! I was having honest emotions and you _still_ tried to kill me!"

"I don't know why you're still surprised by that when it happens," Sougo said after a minute, looking repentant. Maybe.

"You're right," Hijikata said dourly. "I don't know why I bother. You're so predictable."

"But I was happy to see you again when you didn't die," Sougo reminded him, again looking . . . no, who was he kidding. Sougo didn't _do_ repentance.

"No, you weren't," Hijikata corrected him.

"Don't you remember?"

"NO."

"Maybe you weren't paying attention."

"Sougo, I was _very_ focused on you at that time. And 'Che, what a waste of a good plan' is _not_ acting happy to see someone."

Sougo looked honestly mystified. "I thought I was. I wonder who I'm thinking of? Maybe it was Danna."

(The fallback of everyone being Gintoki.)

"How could you mistake him for me?" Hijikata demanded, now affronted on a whole new level.

Sougo shrugged. "My joy must have blinded me."

That was it. Very short patience breaking, Hijikata's hand shot out, grabbing the younger man's shoulder and causing Sougo to wheel around to face him. "Are you _trying_ to drive me away?" he snarled. "Cause like HELL that's gonna happen! I mean--" he stuttered to a halt as his ears caught up with his words. "Not because I like you or anything. Obviously."

"I've been trying to make it more interesting," Sougo said after a while, not in a conciliatory tone, because Sougo didn't do conciliatory anymore than he did repentance, but in a helpful, informative tone as if every problem to date was just Hijikata misunderstanding him, instead of understanding him all too well.

"By creating destruction wherever you go?" he asked sourly.

Sougo shrugged. "Mostly that just happens." Tone not changing an ounce, he added, "I don't only destroy things I find boring."

"Oh?"

"I don't find Hijikata-san boring. "

Hijikata sighed, rolled his eyes, fished out a cigarette and lit it. "I'm flattered." Trouble was, he actually was. Kind of.

"If I wanted to break up with you, I'd do it cause you're a psychopath," he said eventually, in case Sougo actually cared. " Not cause I'm _bored_."

This seemed to cheer up Sougo, because Sougo was insane. And because Sougo was cheered up, Hijikata was pleased, because Hijikata was a poor sick bastard born under a cruel and twisted star.

"By the way," Sougo said as they passed a stand selling brightly colored balloons, seeming somehow happier, although Hijikata didn't dare think why. "Have I showed you the new thing I learned to do with a balloon?"

Somewhere in another reality, that would have had some kinky connotation. Hijikata wasn't exactly sure what kind, but he knew it would, and he knew he wanted to be in that alternate reality very much.

In this reality, however, he knew (having learned the hard way years ago never to voluntarily buy Sougo anything he asked for) exactly what question to ask first.

"Does it involve strangulation?"

" . . . maybe."

"I'll buy you a hot dog instead."

It turned out that Sougo could do things with a hot dog, too, although he might not be aware of it. Hijikata had to turn away halfway through and sip hard at his soda.

* * *

By late afternoon, Sougo had yet to try to kill him (the sideswipe didn't count) and when they reached the ferris wheel Hijikata was feeling optimistic enough to buy enough tickets to keep them in the air a long time. There had been some almost emotional talking there, after all, and they had quite possibly resolved something or other. That, Hijikata felt, deserved a reward.

Still, he made a point to carefully note all of the handholds on the machine, just in case Sougo decided to try to push him out a window.

Sougo, however, seemed refreshingly homicidal inclinations free. A refreshing Sougo was almost as bad a cute Sougo. There seemed a hint of sparkles around him and a feeling that should the moment arise, a light breeze would blow fetchingly through his hair, even though they were in a small compartment with the windows hermetically sealed.

Hijikata was feeling increasingly strongly that he would like to make an atmospheric breeze moment occur.

"You know, you could have jumped me while we were chained together that time," Sougo remarked casually as they lifted into the air.

"Commanders don't jump their subordinates just to save their own lives," Hijikata said absently, because saying "I was waiting for you to try to attack me before I attacked you" didn't sound nearly as cool.

"No, I meant _jumped_ me," Sougo said. "We were possibly going to die. It would have been a good time for sex."

Why does every conversation I have turn into something about sex? Hijikata silently anguished, until he realized that actually, this was a person he _wanted_ to talk about sex with. Kind of.

"Sougo . . . . " he reminded the captain, "A) Your creepy friend was _watching_ us on the television screen. And B) –" well B) was that after the escapade with getting stuck his zipper, he hadn't been in any condition to jump anyone, but he wasn't about to say _that. "_- and B)," he quickly improvised, "I thought you were going to try to kill me."

"I always try to kill you. That doesn't mean we couldn't have had sex."

"Wait." Hijikata amped up his usual Sougo-glare. "Are you telling me that whole messed up test was an attempt to _seduce_ me, not eliminate me?"

Sougo shrugged. "I was okay with either one."

Hijikata honestly didn't know what to be more outraged about, the fact that Sougo seemed to take the same pleasure out of the prospect of fooling around with him and killing him, or the fact that Hijikata had completely missed that whole opportunity for fooling around but had fallen (literally) right into the being killed part.

But if Sougo was going to start being offended that Hijikata wasn't jumping him in life and death situations (that he orchestrated) then things are going to get even more complicated.

Hijikata thought about that and decided he liked a good challenge. Because he might take loads of physical punishment in the process, but he always, always won in the end.

"I'll remember that," he said slowly.

"The rules might have changed by the next time," Sougo seemed to feel compelled to warn him.

"Maybe I'll change them back," Hijikata smirked, and certainly noted that Sougo chose not to argue the point.

With Sougo peering out the window and interestedly trying to find all of the places where they had arrested people or known criminals were thought to be lodged, they climbed higher and higher into the sky.

"The air is really clear today. I bet even if you were down on the ground I could pick you out and hit you," he said cheerfully.

Sougo liked the view – he was actually smiling and the faint twilight stars reflected on his face and it came over Hijikata that there is no way he was going to stay on his side of the seat, not when Sougo was _happy_ and not noticeably homicidal, and they were hundreds of feet in the air and alone.

And since he reasonably sure Kondou hasn't outfitted Sougo with a mini camera or any automatic stun equipment, Hijikata moved to kiss him and kept kissing him and felt mildly vindicated when Sougo seemed as relieved as he was about the contact. _And_ the use of tongue.

Eventually, the ferris wheel ground to a halt.

"Last call, everyone out," the operator said in a bored tone.

"Keep going," a voice growled from inside the foggy windows.

"Uh, but –"

"This is – Sougo, stop touching that – This is _police business_, okay?"

"Um, right . . . ."

They went one more turn of the wheel and then once more slid to a gentle, swinging standstill.

"I _told_ you—" began the growling voice, now edging a little more toward husky and definitely distracted.

"Uh, but sir . . . the situation has, er, changed . . . ." The operator was speaking carefully, partly because he had once gone to the zoo and seen the fabled deadly Corinthian slimebeast and it had snarled at the crowds and the tone was incredibly similar to the voice coming from the compartment . . . and partly because a group of five thieves had a sword to his throat.

"Hey! We're holding this guys hostage and won't let him go until you give us all your valuables and spare tickets to the park rides," declared one of the thieves in a dangerous voice, although obviously not as dangerous as Hijikata's thwarted-make out session voice, which the thieves would have done well to notice.

"Hmm, is lethal force necessary?" asked a voice inside. A keen observer might have been worried about the amount of hope in the tone.

"No," said the other voice before anyone outside could answer. "Ignore them, they'll go away." This voice was still a bit preoccupied, but with a growing hint of _intensely _frustrated rage.

"No we won't!" said one of the petty criminals, because they were very very stupid criminals. Criminals like that probably lowered the IQ of the criminal populace by quite a few points, so it's just as well that they probably aren't going to last more than a few more minutes at this rate.

"Come out or we kill the conductor!" threatened the second thief.

"Can you wait a few more minutes before that happens?" the oddly cheerful voice called out. "Probably just five would be enough."

"Oi, what do you mean _five_?" asked the angry voice sharply.

"Well, remember Kimiko–san from the Red Lily? _She _said –"

"No! We can't wait! We've got a schedule to keep, here!" said one of the stupid criminals.

There was a long pause, as if someone were weighing the options. Then a very frustrated sword-wielding maniac burst out of the compartment.

Yes, Hijikata's fun was over and even the very stupid thieves were smart enough to quail at the sight of the rabid vice-commander, jacket askew, pants somewhat precarious, and naked . . . blade . . . in his hand.

"Damn it! Why did you bastards have to pick tonight!" Hijikata snarled, nearly alight with internal wrath that was about to become external in a very personal way.

"Uh, sorry?" one of the thieves offered nervously. Behind him, one of his stupider colleagues frowned.

"Hey . . . " he said. "Aren't you that Shinsengumi vice-commander who isn't getting any?"

"Actually," Sougo corrected him, sticking a rather tousled head out of the compartment, "he's the Shinsengumi vice-commander who was really close to getting some until you guys came around. But that's a secret, so I'd ask you to keep it quiet, except it doesn't really matter, cause in a few seconds you won't be in any condition to say anything to anyone."

This was true, because at this point, Hijikata Toshirou did unto the group of tactless criminals what Sougo had done unto the Corinthian Slime Beast (and various assorted innocent or not-so-innocent bystanders throughout the years).

In short, a certain amount of sword-wielding maniacism happened.

A short time later, Sougo finished rebuttoning his jacket, righting the skewed buttons as he walked over to his panting vice-commander and at the same time deftly avoiding the twisted remains of the ferris wheel as it lay steaming and cracked on the lawn of the still somewhat intact park greens.

"You're going to be in trouble when Kondou-san finds out," he said smugly.

"You were the one who felt it necessary to cut the ferris wheel in two."

"It was stupid for that fourth guy to try and climb it. But I meant about what happened before that."

"Before that you smeared the second guy and I used perfectly justifiable force on the other three idiots."

"Hijikata-san . . . you know what I mean."

"Oh, _that,_" Hijikata agreed laconically, lighting up a post-destruction cigarette. "Yeah, could be."

At the moment, however, he couldn't quite care.

* * *

In other organizations, the next morning, the compound probably would have been shaken by Kondou Isao's roar of "TOSHI! Why is half of Edo's most famous park in _SHREDS_?"

This being the Shinsengumi, however, the next morning, the compound was actually shaken by Kondou's roar of "TOSHI! Why does Sougo have a _HICKIE_?"

Hijikata looked up from breakfast as Kondou dragged Sougo in and yanked down his collar to display said mark. Sougo looked away and scratched his nose as Kondou gestured in speechless shock at the proof that someone had not read his timetable carefully enough.

Hijikata felt a bit of territorial pride at the mark, then, catching a glimpse of Kondou's face belatedly tried to look innocent, which was kind of impossible.

"Toshi," Kondou said sternly, pulling out the timetable. "According to the schedule you're still _months_ away from hickies. You're barely at holdings hands!"

"Hijikata-san didn't hold my hand last night," Sougo said a bit petulantly.

"Shit, I forgot yesterday was the nineteenth."

Sougo studied the calendar. "Kondou-san," he said thoughtfully, "according to this we're not supposed to have sex until next year. But does it count if Hijikata-san BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP and then BLEEP with his BLEEP BLEEP?"

"Sougo," Hijikata growled, "I thought we agreed not to tell him that."

"Oh right, sorry. But Kondou-san, I asked him about that last part, so it wasn't really his fault that he BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP."

Hijikata's forehead slapped into his palm as Kondou steadily paled.

"I-I'm very disappointed in you, Toshi," Kondou said stiffly, voice full of hurt. "And Sougo, you are _grounded_ until further notice."

"I'm sorry, Kondou-san," Sougo said.

And dammit, for _Kondou_ he looked repentant.

"We'll deal with this further after patrol," Kondou advised them stiffly, hurt dripping from each syllable. "Sougo, what do you want for breakfast?"

Sougo tapped his mouth lightly, thinking. "I think I'll have a banana sundae," he decided. "With extra chocolate syrup."

Actually, Hijikata decided, maybe life wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

Later that night Yamazaki dropped by to bring Hijikata a message that Sougo couldn't sneak out because Kondou was sitting on his doorstep with his rocket launcher. He also handed over Kondou's revised timetable.

Hijikata studied the schedule, flipped over the first page, and then the second, and the third, and then went to take a very, very cold bath.

Oh well, there was always the ballet next week.


End file.
